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[In Progress]Growth: a trans Spider-Man fanfiction


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me

I won't lie and say that this fic isn't escapism for me right now. This story is set before the events of Spiderman: Homecoming (and CA: Civil War to a point), but if they were already 16, almost 17, and stuff was a bit different.. I reserve my right to artistic liberties - it's not really canon-adjacent. The premise is based off the trans spiderman headcanon that I personally have (along with plenty others) about Tom Holland's MCU Spider-Man.

Chapter One's a bit of a prologue/tease, tbh. I'm posting the chapters here as I finish them, so this is obviously a rough draft.

Chapter One: Alchemax​

In the corner of a dimly-lit underground pharmaceutical compounding agency, a glowing arachnid crawled into a cardboard box filled with sterile vials.

“Oh, they were over here,” the pharmacist called to her assistant as she picked the box up and carried it to her and her partner’s workstation.

“Oh, what a relief. Although the base parts were ridiculously cheap from Alchemax anyway, so it wouldn’t have been a big hassle to reorder them if they got lost.” Her assistant, a young, blonde man with ear gauges, opened the box and lifted the tray of chemicals out to set them down on his workstation.

“That was odd, wasn’t it? I mean, lucky, for sure. But it feels like they were practically giving their stock away –“

“Well, that’s a win for both us and our patients. The sliding fee scale can only be slid so far, unfortunately.” He spoke that last sentence as if he knew that pain firsthand.

They both worked together to compound the testosterone cypionate, exchanging light banter between themselves here and there. They failed to notice the miniscule arachnid, who had already pierced the top of one of the vials and injected it with venom.

The pharmacist’s assistant picked that vial up and scrutinized it for a moment. “Does this vial seem to be more… luminant? than the others?”

“I wish you’d stop complaining about the haphazard lighting in here. We’re trying to keep overhead to an absolute minimum.” That wasn’t what the assistant meant, but he took that as his cue to shut up and get back to work.


sounds like someone's about to get multiple superpowers in one shot, huh

will be looking forward to more!


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
Chapter Two​

Peter sat down with Ned at their usual lunch table. “Ned, I’m just… I’m just so desperate to get on T, dude. “

“It’s been that bad lately?”

“Yeah, I mean, usually it comes in waves, but lately it’s just been full force pretty much all the time.”

“Damn. Your dysphoria needs to be nerfed, I swear.”

Peter started picking at his nuggets and mac and cheese. “I can’t put May through the stress of starting me on testosterone, though. Not for a long time at least. She’s already working so hard, and since our insurance doesn’t cover it for minors, it would all be out of pocket... I dunno man, I feel selfish for not being patient enough to wait till I’m 18.”

“Dude, it’s literally like having an untreated medical condition. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to get medicine. I know the situation sucks, though. Do you have any other options?”

“No, informed consent is only for adults,” Peter said dejectedly.

“But don’t they sell it online? Somewhere? You can find like, anything online.”

Peter had never thought of that before. “Would… would that be illegal though? Getting it without permission?”

“I dunno man. I don’t think anyone’s gonna arrest you for it.”

“… I’ll look into that, I think. Thanks for the idea, Ned.”

“Anytime, dude,” Ned said, smiling.


“Come on,” Peter said. It was near impossible to get the school wifi or his data to work in the single-stall bathroom, but it was the only “unisex” one in the building.

Peter glanced at the time. He only had 2 minutes to get himself to class, but he couldn’t sit through US History with Ned’s question shoving around his last two braincells for an hour.

Google popped up after an impatient second. It showed a couple relevant results for “nyc buy online testosterone hrt.” He tapped the first one, and a webpage that looked like it was from 2007 popped up.

HRT Compounding Pharmacy in the Bronx – Mail Order Supplies – Prescription Optional

Peter’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He scrolled down quickly, skimming over the information, before shoving his phone in his pocket and running to his class on the other side of the building with more energy than he’d had in months.
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doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
in the sense that minors can't get HRT without their parents being in on it, yeah. it's not as simple as informed consent for minors usually, although i can only speak from my experiences and knowledge in the south - im sure there's varying levels of pathway difficulty across the us.


finding the thing you were googling for in one go, top link? that's got to be a superpower-

let's see the patch notes for that dysphoria! or would they be... needle notes


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
Chapter 3​

That evening, Peter facetimed Ned to tell him what all he had discovered.

“I’ve been researching this for like, the last 5 hours. They have ridiculously good prices – it would only cost me $25 ish dollars for a month’s worth to start, not including shipping, but I think if I talk to Ethan and offer to write his lab report he’d give me at least $10 dollars, he’s loaded, and I could probably save the money May gives me for lunch by buying a little less at the cafeteria every day, and I wrote it all up and I can probably order it in a week if I go buy a Visa giftcard at-“

“Peter this is great but you gotta take a breath dude! You sound like you’re freaking out, even if it’s a good freakout. You sure you’re gonna go through with it? I was half joking, I dunno if it’s gonna be safe… You got that chaos twinkle in your eye again, you sure you’re being rational?”

“I have it all figured out. I’m not the first person to do something like this, you know! I found guides online – well, mostly old forum posts from 2011ish, but they’re still relevant! As long as I start on a low-ish dose, I shouldn’t have anything to worry about. I don’t have high blood pressure in my family, and that’s pretty much the main concern anyway. A doctor wouldn’t even be doing much different if they were the ones prescribing it, at least not until the 3 month mark for blood tests, and I’ll figure those out when I get there if I need to. I’m so, so close dude. I gotta at least try.”

“I’m really happy for you. Just… promise me you’re gonna be careful, yeah? If anything weird happens, you’ll have to stop, just to be safe.”

“I’m gonna be fine Ned. I promise.”

“Ok. Well, I got an English paper to write, I should probably go get started on that-“

“Sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Bye Pete!” Ned hung up, and Peter plugged his phone in and hopped into his bed with his laptop. He intended to look more into the risks and side effects of testosterone, but couldn’t help but end up looking at progress pics for the rest of the night and dreaming about the changes to come.


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
i haven't finished chapter 4 but i'll post what i have anyway cause im about to go to bed


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
Chapter 4​

Peter had woken up at 7 am every day for the past 3 days since he had made the order. When his package came in, he had to pick it up before Aunt May got to it, or else his whole plan would go down the drain. It was a Saturday morning, and he had only gotten 5 hours of sleep before dragging himself out of bed to check the mail.

It seemed like May was still asleep, thankfully. He snuck outside as quietly as possible and went down to the mailroom.

Yes!” Jackpot. Today was the day it came in. He stuffed the small cardboard box addressed to Peter Parker in his backpack and headed back upstairs.

When he walked in, May was in the kitchen cooking eggs. “You’re up early, kid. Whatcha up to?”

Peter froze. “I, uh, got a new Star Wars Lego set in today! And wanted to pick it up as soon as it got here. Me and Ned are gonna work on it later, I was actually planning on going over to his house for the day?”

He felt so, so guilty for lying, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice. He wanted Ned to be there for his first shot anyway, so it wasn’t totally a lie. At least, he told himself that.

“Yeah, sure thing. Want breakfast?”

“Yes please, can I get some scrambled?” May fixed him a plate and he sat down at the kitchen counter to eat. He scarfed the eggs down, changed out of his pajamas, and left for Ned’s house.

When he got on the street, he called Ned to let him know he was on the way. Ned picked up after the fifth ring.

“Hey, what’s going on? I’m still half asleep.”

“Hey man! My stuff came in today, do you think I could come do the shot at your place? I don’t want May to walk in on me or anything.”

“Uhhhhh, sure, what time do you wanna come over?”

“Is… uh, 15 minutes from now ok?”

“Do I have to be awake for it?”

“Only barely.”

“Aight, it’s cool then. I think my parents left for work already anyway.”

When he got to Ned’s apartment, he rang the doorbell and Ned let him in, still in sleeping clothes. “You can come do it in my room if you want. Do you need any help?”

“Nah, I’ve watched like 6 youtube videos on how to self-inject, I think I’ll be fine…”

“Ok. I’ll be your moral support guy, at least!”

Peter unpacked the little cardboard box. It came with a 1 ml syringe, a tiny bottle of testosterone, and a larger and smaller needle for drawing the medicine in and injecting it. “I’m supposed to draw up 0.15 ml to start, and it’ll give me 30 mg of T. That’s low enough to be a safe starting dose, from what I read.”

He was talking out loud to himself, and Ned was already back in bed, barely listening.


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
Chapter 4 continued:​
Peter took out the tiny T bottle and put the larger drawing needle on the syringe. He wiped the top of the bottle, but his nerves were so bad that he didn’t notice that the bottle had a tiny puncture already in the rubber stopper. He put the drawing needle in, injected a bit of air into it, and drew the faintly glowing liquid up to the 0.15 mark. He pulled the needle out of the vial and switched to the thinner, longer needle for the injection.

“Ned. Ned, I’m nervous.”

Ned heard Peter’s serious tone and sat up. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Just…. maybe hold my knee down. I feel like I can’t make it stop shaking.”

Ned laid his hand on Peter’s left knee and gave his best sympathetic look. “You got this.”

Peter took a deep breath in, held it, and pushed the needle in as he exhaled. He slowly put force on the plunger, and once it was empty, he carefully removed the needle from his leg. He leaned back, relieved.

“Oh, my god. Oh my god. Ned. Oh my god.” He started laughing with joy – he didn’t know if it was psychosomatic or what, but it was like he could already feel himself get a little stronger and have more energy.

“You did it man! Be proud!” Ned gave his buddy a pat on the back, and Peter just went in for the hug.

Peter put his needles in a plastic soda bottle, stuffed the bottle with tissue, taped around the rim and wrote biohazard on the bottle. That would probably be good enough, from what he read. He and Ned spent the rest of the day hanging out and playing video games, and Peter couldn’t wipe the smile off his face all day.


Has been here for nearly a year. TCODiversary.
Ask; Try She/Her
in the sense that minors can't get HRT without their parents being in on it, yeah. it's not as simple as informed consent for minors usually, although i can only speak from my experiences and knowledge in the south - im sure there's varying levels of pathway difficulty across the us.
Ahh yes. My Jerkass Dad wouldn't let me get Estrogen at first (Apparently i had to grow up and i was too young to make desicions when i had been trans for like at least 2 years by then) so i just got this little pump-y liquid thing online that is technically not injections and therefore technically not illegal.

I'm loving this so far! Can't wait to see what happens next!


doctor, I can't tell if I'm not me
Chapter 5:​

If you had looked at Peter's Google search history today, you would have seen a whole lot of this:

"two weeks on T changes"

"ftm voice changes two weeks"

"abnormal T changes ftm sensory sensitivity"

"sticky hands stick to wall ftm testosterone???"

"muscle growth t ftm timeline"

Now, some of these things are certainly not like the others, and Peter didn't exactly find a treasure trove of information on some of his more obscure changes.

Peter was curled up in his bed, tearing through a bag of barbeque chips. He had 17 different tabs open, as per usual, and was trying to find if there was anyone out there who related to some of his… more obscure changes on T so far. He hadn't heard of any other trans guys getting sticky hands before. Or maybe that's what they meant by increased body oil? Who knew. He seemed to be ahead of the curve with regards to increased muscle mass, at least. He was anxious that "unofficial" testosterone might have some unhealthy side effects, but nothing he had experienced so far seemed dangerous quite yet, just… weird. Like being hyperaware of movement, or knowing when someone was about to sneak up behind him… he definitely didn't use to be that observant two weeks ago, but he couldn't find anybody online who seemed to relate to that.

Peter's phone started to buzz. He picked it up and saw that Ned was calling.

"Hey Ned, what's up?"

"Dude did you see the news? They're gonna release a new Mortal Kombat game! I'm super hyped up for it, do you wanna play it with me when it comes out?"

"Oh for real? Yeah man that sounds awesome, I'm totally down. Hey I actually wanted to ask you something – "

"What's up man?"

"Well… I've been experiencing some weird things since I went on T. Like, stuff that nobody really talks about online…"

"Ohhhh, I see. Yeah, male puberty kinda puts you through the ringer… is there stuff you want advice on?"

"No, no, Ned, I uh, I think we're talking about different stuff. I've got the normal two week progress stuff, sure, but like… I'm pretty sure my hands aren't supposed to be this sticky? And I'm a lot more… aware of my surroundings I guess? I know it sounds weird, I'm probably overthinking this."

"That’s… a bit unusual but it's probably nothing to worry about if it's not hurting you, right? You're probably just anxious since it's not from an official pharmacy. I mean, you can keep looking online for info I guess but I don't want you to stress yourself out about it too much. Just give it time yknow?"

"Thanks dude. That does make me feel better, I guess. I'll let you know if anything new happens."

"Aight cool. I'll catch you later, peace –"

"Bye Ned." Peter hung up the phone, and reached into his potato chip bag, but it was empty. Damn. And he had just opened it a half-hour ago.

He threw the empty family-size chip bag in the trash, closed about 14 of his 17 tabs, opened Netflix and tried to relax a bit.