One-Shot The Grand Battle

[Sylph]

AN: This was inspired by an awsome RP I'm in.

~The Grand Battle~​

Strength is the ultimate goal of any fighter, to be the strongest among the rest. One works hard towards that goal, to be the strongest means that you will never be the victim to anyone. Many wanted to be the strongest, more so when they entered the ring of the underground. I wanted to be strong, but not for the reasons most do. As I sit in the covered cage, waiting for the fight to begin, I hear her voice whispering to me.

“You’re going up against a Persian. He never lost once, please be careful Halan”

I smile to myself, my heart melting to the sound of her sweet voice. I never knew how I fell for her in such a way when the rest of her kind abuse my own kind in such ways as the underground, but I never regretted it for a moment. My ears flick as I hear the bell, signaling that the fight was to begin. I crouch down, readying myself to leap out of the cage with great speed. When the door of my cage opened, I leapt out and lunged at my opponent. A golden Persian, I never saw one with such a rich color, but I’ve also never seen a Persian missing a limb either. I punch forward, but miss when the cat moves with more speed than I thought he’d have. I then feel sharp metal claws tear into my back, the pain rippling through me. I collapse to my knees, the smell of my blood filling the air. I then stumble back to my feet, slowly breathing in to steady my heart. I hear her cry, but I’m too late to react when the Persian’s jaws snap onto my shoulder. I let out a howl, furiously beating the beast on my shoulder off. I see the world around me start to blur at the edges as my warm blood spills onto the floor. I collapse to all fours, my breathing ragged. The last thing I see before I blacked out was her face, her tears falling to the floor. I close my eyes and whisper her name softly to myself as the Persian zeros in on the kill.

“Please Ming…don’t cry for a weak soul like me…”

I wait for the blow, listening to the quiet creaking of the metal limb. I hear a scream, a pained scream close to where I laid. My eyes open in time to see the Persian’s claws sink deeper into Ming’s shoulder. I lie there for only a moment that seemed like hours, watching as she drops to the ground and the Persian grinning sadistically down at her. My heart stops, my mind blank as I slowly rise to my feet. I shake, anger overcoming my very being as I lunge at the Cat. The next thing I know, I’m standing in front of Ming, staring down a pissed feline.

“Why are you protecting her?! She’s the enemy!”

I glare down at him, my fangs bared. I look over my shoulder at her, locking my eyes on her frightened ones that scream pain and fear. My heart beats, the scene of protecting her over coming me. I feel a warm sensation envelope me, calming me. I bring a fist in front of me.

“Why do I protect her…? Simple, it’s because I love her”

I lunge forward and strike him, feeling the power of my love for her fuel the blow. I watch as he lands in a heap, becoming very still. I walk over to him and crouch down, lift his head.

“I know you can hear me. I will not kill you for I don’t kill those I beat. I will never forgive you for hurting her, but in the end I won. Halan is the name of the one that beat you, Golden one.”

The Persian coughs, blood dripping out of his mouth. He opens one eye and glares at me.

“…Edward. That is my name, and don’t forget it. I’ll be the one that will never rest until I beat you…and regain my pride…”

I let got of his head and turn away from him, the roar of the horrible humans screaming for blood and death. I shutter in disgust hating these filthy creatures. My gaze then rests on the one human that differs from the rest. I walk over to herm lifting her into my arms and carry her out of the ring. I look down at the woman in my arms, studying her silently. I then smile, leaning to lick her face a bit. Many try to be strong for many reasons, but my reasons are to protect those I care for from those that wish to harm them.

“Ming…you are my strength”

~End~​

After notes
- Halan = Male Lucario
- Ming got hurt because she jumped into the ring to protect Halan from the last blow
- Halan use Return on Edward.

 

[Dragon_night]

On the plus side, you did set the mood right in here. The way you used the words just kind of set the atmosphere.

But, the two things that struck me the most when I read this, was that you don't seem to keep a lock on, on tense. First, it's wanted, and needed; then it's hear, and I walk, and then it's back to being in past tense. Choose one tense and stick with it, as it can be a little annoying while reading.

The other, was that you had a giant paragraph (the third on in) that could have used a lot more breaks. It's just a wall of text that's unneeded.

And although you're description is good, but it'd be nice to see more of it in certain places where it seems lacking. Like here, for example:

I wait for the blow, listening to the quiet creaking of the metal limb. I hear a scream, a pained scream close to where I laid. My eyes open in time to see the Persian’s claws sink deeper into Ming’s shoulder.

Where did Ming come into the picture? How does she enter? Is there any traits that set her apart from her species? Did you even describe this character at all? You didn't really give much to Ming. I think she may be a Lucario, but it's never mentioned or shown in the story.

And then there's you flow. It seems choppy at parts like this:

I crouch down, readying myself to leap out of the cage with great speed. When the door of my cage opened, I leapt out and lunged at my opponent.

It does give us a picture of Halan getting ready to strike, but could you word it out better so it could fit in? Like, going back to the description, you could even write about Halan's muscles tightening and surging, instead of just telling us he was ready to leap out at great speeds (which is kind of telling btw)

After notes
- Halan = Male Lucario
- Ming got hurt because she jumped into the ring to protect Halan from the last blow
- Halan use Return on Edward.

Do you really need this? I can understand if it's for an ASB, but not in fiction. In fiction, you are supposed to describe so you don't have to tell the audience what's what. Show to us what you want to show us, don't just tell us.

Finally, it seemed kind of short, and I felt there was a lot more you could add on in the writing (like I said above) that would lengthen the story out, and most of all, make it a more enjoyable read. Right now, it feels condensed, to the point that everything seems to go by so fast.

Although, I don't want you to get the impression that this fic sucks from my review, it is good, it can just be better. But, that's my opinion.

Keep it up!