In Progress The Moon and Sun clan

[Shadowstar]

This story is going to be great. It's how Shadow and Psyko got to The Psypearl Valley.

.:.Chapter 1.:.
There once were 2 clans. One was all umbreons, the other espeons.
These 2 clans were constantly at war with each other. Now a rule has been broken:
Never fall in love with the enemy.

"Shadow, wake up. Wake up."called a voice.

Slowly, Shadow the shiny umbreon opened her eyes. An espeon came in to
focus."Yes, Psyko?"asked Shadow.

"We have to go back to our clans now. Meet
me here tonight." Stated Psyko.

"Bye." said Shadow.

"See ya." said Psyko

At Shadow's clan's camp, everybody was still asleep. No. Not everybody. The leader of the clan, Darkstar, was not asleep.He was staring Shadow straight in the eye. "You... Where have you been?"asked Darkstar firmly.

.:.Chapter 2.:.
In the morning, Shadow awoke with the rest of the clan.
Darkstar was giving a speech. "I have come to notice that a certain umbreon..." started Darkstar.

At this point Shadow, regardless of what Psyko said, went to the place where she slept last night anyway.
When he got there, a jolteon, a vaporeon, a flareon, a leafeon, and a glaceon were already there. "Hello!" the eons stated in unison.

Just then, Psyko appeared out of the leaves and bushes that the path leads through with leaves stuck in his hair. The flareon spoke very high, it was a girl, the jolteon spoke with a low voice, it was a boy, all the rest spoke high but not quite as high as the flareon, they were girls.
The jolteon had a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt on his forehead. The rest looked pretty much how they
should look exept for the spicky hair do.

.:.Chapter 3.:.
"Hi, I'm Flower, the glaceon is Icy, that jolteon is Thunder, the flareon is Flare, and the vaporeon is Wave."stated the leafeon, pointing to each one as she went.

"I'm Shadow and this is Psyko." stated Shadow.

Psyko was surveying the surround ings and listing absentmindedly as he went along. "Trees...berrys...a pond... a cave..." listed Psyko.

"We rebelled against our clans ourselves."started Flare.

"Psyko and I always wanted to rebel againt ours. Maybie you could help us?" asked Shadow.


.:.Chapter 4.:.

So they planned and plannd
for the perfect plot to betray their clans.
"Look! There they are!" cried Darkstar.

"They tracked us, Psyko!" Yelled Shadow.

So quickly they all fled to a tower in the dictance. little did they know, Darkrai was there.

"How long do we have to keep running?" asked Icy.

"We stop here." replied Shadow.

And right in front of them was the tower. It was pure black and some stones were missing. There did not appear to be a door. Shadow was amazed at this. "Go away..." cried a spooky voice.

"Let us in!" replyed Psyko

And when Shadow headbutted part of the wall, a door appeared brhind the fallen stone.

.:.Chapter 5.:.

They slowly entered the tower, wondering what they might find. Flower found a rare flower growing on a vine. Shadow found a cresant moon necklace. Psyko found a Sun necklace. Icy found some Icicles that wouldn't melt. Flare found some hardend magma. Wave found mystic water. Thunder found lightning in a bottle. "Hmmm... I wonder where these came from..."wondered Shadow.

When they reached the top, Darkrai floated towards them. "You are the chosen ones..."wispered Darkrai.

Flower, Psyko, Icy, Thunder, Flare, and Wave blacked out.

Well, do you like it so far?

 

[Nope]

It's interesting, but the chapters are a little short and you are forgetting that the first letter in pokèmon names are written with a capital letter. Jolteon, Flareon, Leafeon etc.

 

[Darksong]

Also, I think that you should tell us a bit more about the characters. For example, do Shadow or Psyko look different from any other Umbreon or Espeon?

Another thing. You should emphasize what's happening a bit more. Right now, I can't really follow the plot, so you should probably add a bit more detail to it. Everything is happening so quickly; so maybe you should slow down and describe the plot a bit more. This should also help lengthen your chapters; however, if you're not comfortable with writing longer chapters, you can just put breaks in between each part instead of adding a new chapter. A break would be what I a line of *'s or -'s [but don't make them too long!] that show that this part has ended and another one will start.
You can also do chapters along with this; where more time has passed than a night or so, add a new chapter, but if it's been a short amount of time, you should put a break. For example, chapters 3, 4 and 5 could be all merged into one chapter, since the plot follows directly from where it left off. And you could also put a break between the parts where Shadow sees Darkstar and when the morning comes, instead of separating the parts into two chapters.

However, I do like this and hope that you continue writing.

 

[Furretsu]

you are forgetting that the first letter in pokèmon names are written with a capital letter. Jolteon, Flareon, Leafeon etc.

Not necessary. Ever read one of Negrek's fics?
(Also, it's Pokémon)

 

[Nope]

Not necessary. Ever read one of Negrek's fics?
(Also, it's Pokémon)

Nope and I like to write pokémon with a è.

 

[Furretsu]

If you are incorrectly using è and are aware that it is incorrect, I'd honestly doubt whether you should be discussing linguistics.

 

[Nope]

If you are incorrectly using è and are aware that it is incorrect, I'd honestly doubt whether you should be discussing linguistics.

I wasn't :P And I think we should quit spamming this thread now...

 

[Stormecho]

Alright, review time! *is procrastinating so I don't have to look at my own poor fics* Well, first thing, description. Yes, we all know what an Espeon, Umreon and the like look like, and we know that you know that we know. But, it just makes it flow better if you describe the characters as if none of us had ever seen one in our life. As said earlier, the plot is a bit confusing because it's moving way too fast. Let us get to know the characters a bit before you reach a turning point or a conflict. Also, when ending a sentence, put a space after the periods. Some are good, but others are squished together, and that annoys me. XD

 

[Shadowstar]

(Also, it's Pokémon)

I know that, I just can't find the insert symbol, so there.