More quotes for the club:
[interviewing Santa]
Brad Sherwood: What about all of you animal friends?
Colin Mochrie: Animal friends are just there to be animal friends, if they can't handle being a carpet.
[the audience gasps]
Colin Mochrie: I may have said too much.
Colin Mochrie: I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage, and you're crap!"
Drew Carey: Ryan, you are looking for a virgin to sacrifice to appease the gods. If you come near me, I'll kill you.
Drew Carey: [giving hints to Greg that the answer for Colin's "party quirk" includes gravity] What holds you to the Earth?
Greg Proops: Why, my love for you, Drew.
Drew Carey: Now let's go on to a game called "African Chant". As we know, Africa's a big country...
[Greg starts laughing]
Greg Proops: Or a *continent*, if you're a geographer.
Colin Mochrie: The Beatles! Rolling Stones! Barbra Streisand! Bruce Springsteen! These are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Drew Carey: What penguins are really thinking?
Wayne Brady: Does this tux make me look fat?
Ryan Stiles: Geez... it's cold!
Colin Mochrie: One day I'll get that Batman!
Drew Carey: A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
Ryan Stiles: Of course, some of us needed a wide ankle lens.
Drew Carey: And some of us needed a zoom.
Drew Carey: [for Scenes from a Hat] Here we go!
[pause]
Drew Carey: Lines from Drew Carey's diary.
Ryan Stiles: "Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today... how I wish that I were sitting on his lap and not behind that desk..."
[buzzer]
Ryan Stiles: "Dear Diary, when will people find out I'm not a man?"
[buzzer]
Drew Carey: "What our audience is thinking".
Ryan Stiles: ...I wonder if that's all true?
[buzzer and laughter]
Colin Mochrie: You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
Colin Mochrie: [Whose Line- The Alamo] Give me your knife, grab that rock. When I give the signal we're going to yell out the worst sounding battle cry ever. Ready?
Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie: [They read the card] SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!
Brad Sherwood: [as a drill sergeant, to Wayne, Ryan and Colin] I just wanna stand here and stare at my privates!
Ryan Stiles: [scenes from a hat, latin american sports anouncers on their day off] I'll have a cheeseburger, two large fries and a COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: [returns to stage] You forgot my COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: [returning] Where the hell is my COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE?
[Two-Line Vocabulary]
Ryan Stiles: What do I look like?
Colin Mochrie: I'll tell you what you look like: A big stick with a big nose!
Drew Carey: [playing Scenes from a Hat] "People you wish would just shut up..."
Wayne Brady: [steps out] People you wish would just shut up...
Greg Proops: I'm Alex Trebek, and this is Jeopardy.
[Buzz]
Greg Proops: Oh, I'm sorry, that buzz was too late.
Chip Esten: [Drunk Mother Hoedown] Well, I knew Colin's mother / And let me tell you the truth / When she was nursing Colin / Her milk was 90 proof / She tried to kick the habit / She didn't know what to do / But if your baby looked like that / Then you'd be drinking too.
Colin Mochrie: My mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange/But her behavior gets very strange./She acts like she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus./Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.
Drew Carey: [playing scenes from a hat] What Robin Williams is really thinking.
Robin Williams: I have a career, what the hell am I doing here?
Ryan Stiles: [singing the gambling hoedown] I just heard that Vegas just went broke./Apparently it all happened cause of one single bloke./I never thought that they'd ever see this day... /... but that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet!
[Drew Carey then attempts to punch Ryan]
Drew Carey: [Scenes From A Hat] Inappropriate anecdotes told on a celebrity talk show.
Wayne Brady: [laughter] ... no, so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone is like, "Ooh, what's that smell"?
[buzz]
Colin Mochrie: ...so, things are tough, I'm a big ho. And...
[buzz]
Robin Williams: ...so I said: "Get off me grandma, I'm done"!
[buzz]
Wayne Brady: ...so, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his grandma, and I'm like...
[buzz]
Ryan Stiles: ...anyway, long story short,
[pointing at his wedding ring]
Ryan Stiles: this is the stone I passed!
[Scenes From a Hat - "Weird things to hear from the voices in your head"]
Ryan Stiles: Just cut one brake line and you could be sitting behind that desk...
[Scenes from a Hat - The title for Drew Carey's second book]
Colin Mochrie: [pretending to read the book's cover; referring to when Drew Carey referred to Africa as a country] The difference between continents and countries.
[Improbable Mission: Colin and Ryan are asked to do the grocery shopping for the Prime Minister of Eat-all-you-can]
Colin Mochrie: Wow! The Prime Minister of Eat-all-you-can.
Ryan Stiles: We have a picture of him on our wall.
[He points to Drew]
Drew Carey: Confusing battle cries.
Wayne Brady: Hurt you!
Ryan Stiles: Don't shoot until you see the whites!
Colin Mochrie: Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!
Colin Mochrie: Get my brown pants!
Wayne Brady: Every last one of us will defend the alamo, right?
[looks behind him, sees nothing]
Wayne Brady: What the hell?
Greg Proops: [playing scenes from a hat with worst state mottos] Mississippi: We do too have all our teeth!
Colin Mochrie: Miami: The land time remembered.
Drew Carey: Miami's a city.
Colin Mochrie: Flordia: Not to be confused with Miami.
Ryan Stiles: Montana: How fast can you drive?
Ryan Stiles: Utah welcomes you and your wives
Greg Proops: Texas: Capital Punishment rocks!
Drew Carey: Couldn't agree more!
Ryan Stiles: [Newsflash-nuclear testing site] Colin, I was told that when you first came here, you had hair!
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, well what do you mean by that,Stick Boy!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Versions of hell, other than eternal flame.
Ryan Stiles: Okay, that's a thousand points for Colin, it's time for Hoedown.
Colin Mochrie: Let's hear that Yentl soundtrack one more time!
[when no one laughs, he does his "Lightning Rod of Hate" signal]
Wayne Brady: Mississippi, I'm still in Mississippi!
Greg Proops: Mississippi, *I'm* still in Mississippi!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Bad topics to open a conversation with.
Colin Mochrie: [to Ryan] What color's your poo first thing in the morning?
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Things that make the audience boo!
Ryan Stiles: [to Colin] What color's *Your* poo when you wake up...
[BOO]
Jeff Bryan Davis: The eggs are getting ready, now after we're done fileting the Baby Seal...
[BOO!]
Ryan Stiles: You wait until a car comes, then push the old lady...
[mixed boos and appaluse]
Ryan Stiles: I was waiting for appaluse there!
Jeff Bryan Davis: And the winner of this year's Best Actor Oscar is... Keanu Reeves!
[BOOOOOOO]
Drew Carey: Announcements made over Hell's PA system.
Ryan Stiles: Attention. Will the owner of a Pinto, lisencse plate number...
Wayne Brady: Tickets for Yanni, on sale in the lobby. Tickets for Yanni.
Colin Mochrie: Clean up on aisle five.
Colin Mochrie: [Song Titles- In a Psychiatrist's office] What's New Pussycat?
Ryan Stiles: I've got a feeling
Colin Mochrie: Feelings?
Ryan Stiles: One.
Colin Mochrie: What's the buzz, tell me what's a happening!
Ryan Stiles: Nowhere, man.
Colin Mochrie: [stumped] Really, that sucks!
[Buzz]
Wayne Brady: [singing] Really that sucks, really that sucks...
Brad Sherwood: Hello and welcome to the six o'clock news. Veteran rock musicians Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon, Pete Townsend, and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital today and set free all of the doberman pinschers. The police said they that they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.
On a related note, one of the first episodes I saw had the H-O-R-W-A-R-D joke.
By the wya, this is definitely the
best Let's Make A Date ever