Descriptive help

[Chief Zackrai]

So I've decided to write a pokemon fanfic, but I can't be bothered by myself in the rough draft to describe things. That, and I'm having creative trouble with the actual description. Like, my character goes to New Bark Town, and I'd like to include a gentle breeze in his entrance, but I''m just stuck on a way to describe it. Help with this would be appreciated.

Also! help with how to describe the pokemon world would be appreciated (I am so being lazy right now) So if you could include a brief description of New Bark Town with your help, that would be cool.


But, wait! There's more! I'll include the Prologue at its current point, for you to get the idea of the story and the character (again, not very descriptive, so I don't really want to hear that as help)

Prologue​

Zaque​

Zaque took in a deep breath. Ahh, what a nice day it is, he thought to himself. He had just stepped out of his home in Olivine City, located in the Johto Region, and was headed to the Local Gym, lead by the skilled Jasmine, to watch some battles. Sure, he was Four- teen, but his Pokémon journey had yet to begin. As he strolled towards my destination, Zaque’s pokégear rang. One, twice, and then he decided to answer. It was his mom.
“Zaque, dear, this is your mother. I suppose you knew that, though… I called to tell you that Professor Elm called. He said he needed see you for something, but I couldn’t imagine what. I’ll let you take Persephone for your trip to New Bark Town. Go there right now to see what’s up.” With that, his mom hung up. Zaque let out a depressed sigh, and turned around to go home. He arrived, only to find Persephone’s Pokéball and a note left by his mom.
Zaque-
I went out to buy some groceries, so I left Persephone with this note so you could go on your way as soon as possible. I’ll be back soon enough, but I figured you would want to see what Professor Elm wanted quickly. It’s not every day you get to go to his lab!

Love,
Mom​

Zaque sighed again, and picked up Persephone’s Pokéball. He tossed it into the air, and with a near-blinding light, the familiar face of his mom’s Quagsire appeared before him.
“Alright, Persephone, we’re going to New Bark Town, so you have to protect me. It’s a long way, and we might have to camp out tonight. I’m going up to my room to get a few things and I’ll be right back. Don’t do anything while I’m gone.” Zaque went to his room, grabbed his side bag, a few dollars, and a small tent, and ten Pokéballs. He then packed up, and went back downstairs to go on his way with Persephone.

thanks for all help submitted!

 

[Sandstone-Shadow]

Like, my character goes to New Bark Town, and I'd like to include a gentle breeze in his entrance, but I''m just stuck on a way to describe it.

Have you tried writing it yet? If you haven't tried yet, then there's no way anyone can do it for you. It might not be so hard once you actually get to that point.

Also! help with how to describe the pokemon world would be appreciated (I am so being lazy right now) So if you could include a brief description of New Bark Town with your help, that would be cool.

Again, this is not something anyone can do for you. If you want to write a story, then you have to get over your own laziness and just write it. Believe me, I can act very lazy when it comes to writing. But no one can write it but you. It's really not so hard when you put your mind to it.

Also, just a tip: when you post stories online, don't indent. It doesn't show up well on a forum and it makes your story look clunky. Instead of indenting, skip a line between each paragraph and leave all lines unindented. Your paragraphs posted online should begin (in appearance) like this paragraph that you're reading now.

About your prologue: first of all, it's "fourteen" and not "Four-teen." Also, the conversation with his mother seems incredibly rushed. Zaque does not get one single word in before his mother hangs up, and this could work if his mother is a very brusque and demanding person. However, her dialogue doesn't match this. The "I suppose you knew that, though..." and the "but I couldn't imagine what," make his mother seem more fluttery and not so strict. It doesn't really seem like a realistic phone call.

Also, the pace of this prologue throws me off. He just stepped out of his home; didn't he notice his mother's note and Pokéball? And if he was home, why didn't his mother tell him before she left for the grocery store? She obviously knew about the trip if she had time to leave the note before she left. It just feels awkward.

If Zaque is so depressed about going to New Bark Town, why doesn't he put up some kind of protest? He's very, very resigned to doing something that he doesn't want to, and a resigned character is not very interesting to read about. If he really doesn't want to go, show it. Have him loiter around, go to the gym first, or perhaps ignore his mother's request entirely.

 

[Music Dragon]

First, a few errors in grammar/spelling:

As he strolled towards my destination, Zaque’s pokégear rang.

I'm fairly sure you want "my" to be "his" (unless there's a lot more to this story than it seems), and you may want to spell "Pokégear" with a capital P, since you do that with "Pokéball".

One, twice, and then he decided to answer.

Once.

I don't normally write reviews, so I honestly don't know where to begin. I can see lots of things you need to work on, but ironically, I'm finding it surprisingly hard to put them into words, and there are plenty of people here who could do it much better than me, so.

I'm not sure how you want us to help you because you explicitly asked us not to comment on the lack of description in your "prologue" (which, really, feels more like the beginning of a first chapter than a prologue). Also, this...

Also! help with how to describe the pokemon world would be appreciated (I am so being lazy right now) So if you could include a brief description of New Bark Town with your help, that would be cool.

... makes it look like you're actually expecting someone else to write the story for you, which would be completely pointless.

At this stage, the best advice I can give you is this: read more books. The more you read, the better your understanding of how fiction works - plus, you get lots of inspiration from it. It'll definitely improve your descriptive powers, too.

It's great that you're writing and I strongly encourage you to keep doing it, so don't get me wrong when I say that this story feels extremely plastic and dull. I know you're aware that your description is lacking, but without description, you've got nothing. No plot in the world is worth a jot if you can't actually make it interesting. You need to get a sense of how a good story should read.

By the way, that thing about the gentle breeze meeting the character as he enters New Bark Town? Just describe it as a gentle breeze meeting the character as he enters New Bark Town. It's not exactly something you need to elaborate on unless it's significant to the plot.

 

[Chief Zackrai]

Well, I was mostly being lazy/having writers block when I posted this, so.

And he sighs because he wanted to spend some time at the Gym, but he knows he should listen to his mom, or something like that.

the thing with the confusing wording of perspectives, I converted it from my his point of view to his point of view, and I suppose I missed that. (no, he just has three personalities, and he changes between them whilst telling stories![/sarcasm])

Maybe his mom is weird too? I don't know. I kind of wrote that part quickly.

With the thing with the phone call- she called him after she left the house, which was after Zaque left.

Also if nobody noticed (and I might want to go there right now to fix the paragraphs), I did post my first paragraph with the prologue in the writing forum, if you're interested.