In Progress Insert Title Here. Fanfic I'm starting to write.(Opinions/Help/Criticism appreciated)

[Phantom]

Reading Butterfree's response makes me want to be a better critic....

Sorry about running on about the tense, but I read Butterfree's response to it and she's right. I think this could have some potential... with some shining up.

Ok-

There some gramatical errors here and there. They are nothing too big though, just skim through and you'll find them.

I whirl around, just in time to be knocked over by a strange guy in a jumpsuit, with green hair and a bowl-cut haircut.

"What was that for?!" I yell. But I notice something. I see a small Pokeball on the ground, and it looks like it belongs to someone. Scratched on the side in small writing, is R(S). I decide to take it to Professor Rowan.

If someone bumped into me and then I find something on the floor I try to get their attention, I would assume it belonged to the person who just bumped me; just something I noticed that was odd.

I describe the person to him.

This is an example of a place where there is more description needed. In the next line the prof. obviously is concerned. Did his eyes grow wide as you described the person? Did he seem doubtful? Worried? Nervous?

Otherwise I think that Butterfree hit the nail on the head with that post.

But in my opinion I agree with how she said it was flat. The story seems corny. Too many good things are happening, I don't know if it's just to early in the story or what it is. But I am eager to see how you take our advice and move to the next chapter or how you improve on this one.

 

[Eloi]

No. Something nonsensical is not justified by arguing something else is also nonsensical.

You are absolutely correct, sorry for doing that.

Furthermore, young kids traveling around with Pokémon is considered normal in the Pokémon world, and the professors always have some reason to trust you with the Pokédex, as you run some errand for them before you actually get one and sometimes they've even known you for years. Rowan here is not just violating what we'd consider normal in the real world; he's going against all common sense.

Pretty good reasons too, didn't think of that. Sorry.

Reading Butterfree's response makes me want to be a better critic....

I second this notion. I mean, she managed to pin down everything that was wrong, and then offered awesome advice, without being pedantic (which I have been known to be). I need to learn how to acquire this skill. *scribbles note of that*

 

[opaltiger]

Star Wars played most of its tropes straight and did fine.

Yeah, but that's because Star Wars invented most of the space opera tropes.

 

[Eloi]

Yeah, but that's because Star Wars invented most of the space opera tropes.

And played straight almost everything else.

 

[opaltiger]

And played straight almost everything else.

I assume you're talking about Joseph Campbell-style character archetypes? Because, again, those weren't tropes at the time. You had Tolkien, sure, but that was pretty much it in terms of (straightforward) heroic journeys.

 

[Eloi]

I assume you're talking about Joseph Campbell-style character archetypes? Because, again, those weren't tropes at the time. You had Tolkien, sure, but that was pretty much it in terms of (straightforward) heroic journeys.

I define trope as:
A literary device that can be found in multiple stories.
And Cambellian mythological archetypes was the foundation of comparative mythology, as in, it study other stories in order to bring it into a distilled form. So he didn't invent the tropes he described, he just distilled them in an easily-readable form.
Tolkien didn't invent tropes, he employed them from such sources as Beowulf, The Green Knight from the Arthurian mythos, Odyssey, Iliad, Aeneid, Elder Edda, Younger Edda, and much more. The hero's journey is very, very old.
Really, some of the best work is derivative of older sources.

 

[opaltiger]

Ah, I see we're simply using slightly different definitions of the word trope. Never mind, then.

 

[Eloi]

Ah, I see we're simply using slightly different definitions of the word trope. Never mind, then.

It was why I defined it, because I hate it when arguments crumble to semantics disagreements that distract from the actual conversation. So...well...hey, a resolved argument, who would of thought I can have one of those, aye? ^.^:

 

[Negrek]

I assume you're talking about Joseph Campbell-style character archetypes? Because, again, those weren't tropes at the time. You had Tolkien, sure, but that was pretty much it in terms of (straightforward) heroic journeys.

I hate to come in and comment on something unrelated to the story, but this made me bzuh too much to be ignored. (Buttefree's review did a great job of summing things up anyway.)

I'm not sure how Campbell managed to write The Hero with a Thousand Faces if Tolkien and Star Wars were "pretty much it" in terms of straightforward heroic journeys back in the 70's, given that the book was published in 1949 and so predated Luke and pals by quite a bit. The term "trope" might not have been coined, but the archetypes that would later be labeled as such were very much alive and well, and had been for thousands of years. Star Wars might have defined a relatively new genre, but in terms of storytelling it's pretty much as straight-up vanilla as you can get.

 

[opaltiger]

I hate to come in and comment on something unrelated to the story, but this made me bzuh too much to be ignored. (Buttefree's review did a great job of summing things up anyway.)

I'm not sure how Campbell managed to write The Hero with a Thousand Faces if Tolkien and Star Wars were "pretty much it" in terms of straightforward heroic journeys back in the 70's, given that the book was published in 1949 and so predated Luke and pals by quite a bit. The term "trope" might not have been coined, but the archetypes that would later be labeled as such were very much alive and well, and had been for thousands of years. Star Wars might have defined a relatively new genre, but in terms of storytelling it's pretty much as straight-up vanilla as you can get.

Mmm, like I said, my definition of trope has been influenced far too much by tvtropes. I do, of course, agree.