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In Progress Pokemon Brass and Bronze

Severus Snape

Severus Snape

"Detention, Potter,"
(This is the story of the secret project that I mentioned in my sig)


Chapter 1 (Part 1) - Rose Town

Rose Town was a beautiful place where trees and plants blossomed. It was summer, and they were in full bloom. And however sad the villagers felt, they still showed a happy face. However, evil had entered the hearts of many in the region where Rose Town was. Tauom used to be a place which Arceus was said to have gifted with the most amazing landscapes ever. Well, it wasn't. I, Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town has finally travelled to this amazing region after my long journey.

Well, I went to Professor Palm's lab and found three orbs called PokeBalls. Inside held a single Pokemon. Professor Palm obviously gave out three starter Pokemon - one Grass, one Fire or one Water. Which I would choose was a different matter. Misty and Brock decided to travel with me in this only localy charted area. I decided to take Cheeck, the Fire Starter while next to me Brock chose Babeetree and Misty chose Ninjell. This would seem like a great adventure.

I talked to the village locals and found out something interesting and worth knowing. Team Rocket wasn't the evil team around Tauom. It was a team more evil. The villagers dared not to say a word about the evil team's Pokemon, let alone their names and obviously not the team's name itself.

So I, Brock and Misty set of with a map, a Pokedex and six PokeBalls.
New Pewter City, I read to myself.
And so it seemed where our next stop was New Pewter City. Joy spread over my face and we started to run.
"Let's go!" I cried happily and the others ran behind.

Next: Chapter 1 (Part 2) Brock's Home
Then: Chapter 2 (Part 1) A Legendary Forest
After: Chapter 2 (Part 2) A Cave To Light
 
Let's see if I can do crit.

Grass Pokemon Master said:
Chapter 1 (Part 1) - Rose Town

Rose Town was a beautiful place where trees and plants blossomed. It was summer, and they were in full bloom. And however sad the villagers felt, they still showed a happy face. However, evil had entered the hearts of many in the region where Rose Town was. Tauom used to be a place which Arceus was said to have gifted with the most amazing landscapes ever. (That's some pretty lame exposition there. Well, at least the landscape is beautiful!) Well, it wasn't. (WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME???)

I, Ash Ketchum (oh no) of Pallet Town has finally travelled to this amazing (not really) region after my long journey.

Well, I went to Professor Palm's lab (who, due to a lack of description, I will assume is a humongous hand with a thousand eyes) and found three orbs called PokeBalls. (Because out of all the things in this story you could describe, clearly the shape items called Pokeballs is the thing you must focus on.) Inside held a single Pokemon. Professor Palm obviously gave out three starter Pokemon - one Grass, one Fire or (you mean and) one Water. (Quick question: why would the humongous hand with a thousand eyes be giving starter Pokemon? They're generally reserved for new trainers, and all three of them are seasoned trainers who have Pokemon already.) Which I would choose was a different matter. Misty and Brock (oh god no) decided to travel with me in this only localy charted area. I decided to take Cheeck, the Fire Starter (who, due to a lack of description, I will assume is a dude with a Che Guavara shirt who likes to peck people) while next to me Brock chose Babeetree (who, due to a lack of both description AND typing, I will assume is a Ghost/Dragon-type tree that uses Babelfish) and Misty chose Ninjell (who, due to a lack of... you know the rest) . This would seem like a great adventure.

I talked to the village locals and found out something interesting and worth knowing. Team Rocket wasn't the evil team around Tauom. (Yay! We won't have a crappy generic evil team that goes around talking about how evil they are!) It was a team more evil. ...shit. The villagers dared not to say a word about the evil team's Pokemon, let alone their names and obviously not the team's name itself. What, is the team named "that Scottish play" or something? ...then again, considering how this story's been going so far, I kinda doubt you read enough to even know what "that Scottish play" is.)

So I, Brock and Misty (You mean Brock, Misty and I. Unless your name is I, which would be kinda cool. I guess.) set of (off) with a map, a Pokedex and six PokeBalls (I'm going to guess that all of these items magically materialized in their hands as they left Genericville.).
New Pewter City, I read to myself.
And so it seemed where our next stop was New Pewter City. Joy spread over my face (I'm going to some random city named after some cheap metal alloy next? I'm just overflowing with excitement.) and we started to run.
"Let's go!" I cried happily and the others ran behind.
Click to expand...

I strongly suggest you actually describe what stuff looks like. What the hell is a Ninjell? You assume I'm going to know, but I don't know, nor do I want to waste time figuring out what one is.

Also, the plot is pretty much "the Pokemon anime, but in a region that's sorta different from Kanto". Be more original.
 
Dude, don't overkill on the crit. ISH NOT NICE. LANG ZI SAYS: RESPECT OTHERS AND GOOD WILL COME YOU WAY. But yeah, the description of Pokemon are lacking and right now, the city names aren't very original. What region is this anyway? New Kanto?
 
Patar, if you think that's overkill on criticizing, you have never seen people attacking Turbo's stuff, have you? Kam was being quite mild in comparison to what was going on in the Eric Damon stuff.

Regardless, I must point out that reusing a plot that's shown up in the anime is no more original than putting up a trainerfic that follows the plot of the games. Plots need twists to be interesting, otherwise, no one will want to read it. I suggest reading Facia's Xanthic Growlithe Contract, or Negrek's Clouded Sky to see what I mean - Clouded Sky starts off in a new region, but it could never be called generic.

Also, in case you haven't realized yet... more description. Using anime characters does not mean you can't describe them. If you're going to put fakemon in - or have a fake region - that makes it even more important to describe. What's the climate like? Is the vegetation different? The fakemon's descriptions and behavior need to be shown.

I'm going to suggest reading through this as well to avoid overdone plots and cliches.
 
So this is the kind of region you we were PMing about... uh... um....

Kammington said:
Let's see if I can do crit.

Grass Pokemon Master... and technically Kammington in bold said:
Chapter 1 (Part 1) - Rose Town

Rose Town was a beautiful place where trees and plants blossomed. It was summer, and they were in full bloom. And however sad the villagers felt, they still showed a happy face. However, evil had entered the hearts of many in the region where Rose Town was. Tauom used to be a place which Arceus was said to have gifted with the most amazing landscapes ever. (That's some pretty lame exposition there. Well, at least the landscape is beautiful!) Well, it wasn't. (WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME???)

I, Ash Ketchum (oh no) of Pallet Town has finally travelled to this amazing (not really) region after my long journey.

Well, I went to Professor Palm's lab (who, due to a lack of description, I will assume is a humongous hand with a thousand eyes) and found three orbs called PokeBalls. (Because out of all the things in this story you could describe, clearly the shape items called Pokeballs is the thing you must focus on.) Inside held a single Pokemon. Professor Palm obviously gave out three starter Pokemon - one Grass, one Fire or (you mean and) one Water. (Quick question: why would the humongous hand with a thousand eyes be giving starter Pokemon? They're generally reserved for new trainers, and all three of them are seasoned trainers who have Pokemon already.) Which I would choose was a different matter. Misty and Brock (oh god no) decided to travel with me in this only localy charted area. I decided to take Cheeck, the Fire Starter (who, due to a lack of description, I will assume is a dude with a Che Guavara shirt who likes to peck people) while next to me Brock chose Babeetree (who, due to a lack of both description AND typing, I will assume is a Ghost/Dragon-type tree that uses Babelfish) and Misty chose Ninjell (who, due to a lack of... you know the rest) . This would seem like a great adventure.

I talked to the village locals and found out something interesting and worth knowing. Team Rocket wasn't the evil team around Tauom. (Yay! We won't have a crappy generic evil team that goes around talking about how evil they are!) It was a team more evil. ...shit. The villagers dared not to say a word about the evil team's Pokemon, let alone their names and obviously not the team's name itself. What, is the team named "that Scottish play" or something? ...then again, considering how this story's been going so far, I kinda doubt you read enough to even know what "that Scottish play" is.)

So I, Brock and Misty (You mean Brock, Misty and I. Unless your name is I, which would be kinda cool. I guess.) set of (off) with a map, a Pokedex and six PokeBalls (I'm going to guess that all of these items magically materialized in their hands as they left Genericville.).
New Pewter City, I read to myself.
And so it seemed where our next stop was New Pewter City. Joy spread over my face (I'm going to some random city named after some cheap metal alloy next? I'm just overflowing with excitement.) and we started to run.
"Let's go!" I cried happily and the others ran behind.
Click to expand...

I strongly suggest you actually describe what stuff looks like. What the hell is a Ninjell? You assume I'm going to know, but I don't know, nor do I want to waste time figuring out what one is.

Also, the plot is pretty much "the Pokemon anime, but in a region that's sorta different from Kanto". Be more original.
Click to expand...

Yeesh, this is (sorry) bad. I should've known with a pokemon named Krakrush who is a squid with giant eyes. I'm sorry but you really need to flesh this out some more and be more creative. Why is Krakrush Water/Dragon type? Why Giant eyes? How come the only thing special about it is giant eyes? Lemme tell you, giant eyes is not what makes a pokemon, my friend. Anime too... Why? Almost everyone here agrees that Ash and Pikachu should've went back to pallet town a long time ago. And as much as I loved the Kanto region... this... is... *SHOT*.
 
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The first chapter is never interesting -_-.

Anyway, Babeetree is a Tree that is a Baby (Grass/Ghost), Cheeck is a baby chick (Fire/Flying) and finally Ninjell is a ninja jellyfish (Water/Fighting).
 
Well, could you then put the descriptions of those Pokemon in? It isn't that hard. @_@ And no, first chapters can be interesting and used to pull the reader in. >> Saying that first chapters are never interesting is not a good excuse for making your own first chapter bland, dull and completely without description.

Thanks for completely ignoring most of what we've been saying. :/
 
Well, it wasn't. (WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME???)

Agreed. It just is basically stating a false fact. Yeah, I just lied because I typed fast and just used random words.

Slightly vivid? Sounds true to me.
 
Slightly vivid? There is no description. I've linked you to fics with good description and plot. Part of writing is taking criticism and applying it. If you don't fix what we're pointing out - there is an edit button - then it's probably more useful for us to criticize a brick wall.
 
Its not terrible, but I wish you would have used new characters and showed pics of the starters, or at least described them.
 
If I have not told you, pics are unavailable because I have let others borrow them.

And also, I don't have enough time to update because of school work.
 
If I may ask... why are you posting half chapters? I can maybe understand if you just wanted to get an idea of people's criticism of your work, but it looks like you plan to put up a fair bit more, so...

As for the whole "I don't have time because of school and I lied because I typed fast" thing... what in the world would prompt you to do that? If you don't have time to put up the whole thing, why bother putting up part of it? Why not just wait until you can put up the whole thing? You shouldn't rush it just because you want to post it for criticism, because... well, obviously, that would tend to lead to problems with the writing, which further leads to poor criticism. If you don't think something is ready to be posted, don't rush to get it done, simply don't post it so soon.
 
Problem is, I don't have enough time to do it at once. Yes, maybe I could use Word or something but really, it's quite difficult.
 
O_o I write chapters that are 2000 to 4000 words. Of course, I don't have time to do more than 1000 words in a single go, unless it's a weekend. It might take a bit longer to upload them, but if you just add on whenever you have time, it works out. If you're not using some sort of program like Word or OpenOffice... you really should. It'll make it easier by far. Writing out a fic in a forum's posting form is generally a bad idea.
 
Problem is, I don't have enough time to do it at once. Yes, maybe I could use Word or something but really, it's quite difficult.
Click to expand...

... no more difficult than using the editing options when you make a new post. If you're just writing everything straight into a new post and then calling it a chapter, you're doing it wrong.
 
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