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In Progress Project RoX.Io93

guy standing behind you

guy standing behind you

Trying to be active again!
Yeah. Some of you may get the sublte references to things.

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They moved silently through the rubble. They climbed over rocks and debris of what had once been a great city. They had to move fast.

They were both cloaked in darkness. The tight black fabric hugged their skin. It blended in with the darkness around them. The one who was further up signalled to his partner. He pointed up towards the largest pile of debris in the city. His signalled again to his partner, and she ran forward to join him. As she stopped, she slipped a hand into the side of the cothes she had on. She drew out a piece of paper. It was a map. She traced a path with her finger, and put the map away. She ran forward, taking the lead. Her companion followed. She ran to the other side of the pile of debris, which was massive. It was larger than the factories she had seen in her hometown. She slid to a stop a she noticed an odd feature in the side of the broken walls. She waited for her friend to catch up. When he did, she pointed at a hole in the wall. He walked over, and examined the hole. He lifted himself through it, landing on a floor inside. The girl followed. As she landed, she noticed that debris littered the floor in here too. She looked around, and saw a broken robot, a rifle, a duffel bag, and a sword on the ground. The hilt of the sword glittered with gems, but she ignored it. She walked forward, navigting the remains of the building. She stopped when she was in a room with machines lining the walls. She waited for her friend.

When he approached, she pulled off her hood, revealing her long white hair. She was young, only fifteen or so, but she held an air of command. She spoke as the boy approached.

"That one."

He moved towards the machine she pointed at and pulled a small piece of metal out of his clothes. He twisted the end, and it transformed into a long metal device, with two buttons on it. He inserted the end into the machine. The device lit up ,but the glow faded in a moment and the boy pulled it out again.

"Make sure it worked," urged his friend. He pressed a button, and a recoding began to play.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2-0:8--1,1||1.3.2.20
Project RoX13.Io93 Electronic Memorandum via:PR-DOX.IC

Well. I don't know what to say here. They told me to record my past. They want me to save everything so I don't go insane and try to kill everyone. Again. I remember the last time that happened. I killed three scientists and hurt another. The one I hurt was young. He didn't look much older than me. I don't know if he survived. Well. That's gotten a lot out of me. I guess if anyone's gonna listen to this, they need to know what I look like.

I'm thin. Very thin. I'm about five feet tall, and male. My hair is black. My skin is extremely pale. Probably because I've never been outside. My eyes are green. Bright green. I have scars in my arm, and a thin wire that comes out of my ankle and runs up my leg. It goes into the skin of my thigh. I have a small plate of titanium covering a small portion of my back. I also have a round piece of metal on my right temple. It's called my port.

I only own a couple of things. My clothes are one. Another is my Drive, which is very useful. I'll tell you about that later. I also have Paradox.

He's my only friend.

That's all I can say now. I'm tired.

Oh, one last thing, my name is Roxio.
 
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The boy pressed the button again and the recording stopped.

"That's his voice. It's definetly him." He walked over towards the girl. She but remained silent. They pair of them began to exit the way they came. The girl stopped in the final room though. She threw her arm out to stop the boy.

"Wait," she said. She walked over to the sword she had noticed earlier. She picked it up, examining the long blade. She walked over to the duffel bag and the ground, and opened it. Inside, she found a long green jacket, and a strange mask. She lifted it to her face. She looked through the eyes of the mask for a moment before putting it back in the bag. She picked up the gun lying next to the bag, and shoved it through the hole in the wall that they had used as an entrance before heaving herself, the bag, and the sword through. The boy followed her through the hole, and they began running again.

They didn't stop until they were in a forest, and they sat out in a clearing. The girl quickly put down what she was holding, but then opened the bag, and pulled out the mask and jacket. She inspected them more thouroughly. The jacket was rather simple, a plain, green army jacket. The mask was a white domino mask. She lifted up the jacket, noticing a strap on the back. She inspected this for a moment, and then lifted the gun, sliding it into the strap. It fit like she thought it would, even though it did extend a bit far. Whoever had last used these must have been rather tall to need a a gun this long. It streched out four feet. The girl only experience with handguns.

All this time, the boy had been watching her. She slipped the jacket on, but placed the mask back in the bag before she sat down. She looked at the boy.

"Well?" she said. "Play another one. We're not just going to sit here bored." The boy said nothing, put pressed the button on the metal device he held.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2-0:8--1,3||1.5.2.00
Project RoX13.Io93 Electronic Memorandum via:PR-DOX.IC

Well, it's been a day since my last recording. I guess I should tell you my story. I don't know the whole thing, but I know most of it.

It started before I was born. It actually started with my conception. I was an In Vitro fertilization. A test-tube child. I wasn't left undisturbed though. The professors experimented on me as a fetus, adding elements to my body. These still remain. After I was removed from the glass, this counts as my "birth, I was placed under the care of one of the female professors. I don't remember if I was cared for well, but I believe I was. The real damage occurred as an infant. They put wires inside of me. They made me part machine. This was when I started to go crazy. Eventually, I started asking the woman who cared for me why I was there. She said something about a man named Thorn. She called him Lord Thorn.

The next day she was gone. I never saw her again.

I was given private quarters, and the day after that the big operation began. I was sedated, and they operated for hours, maybe even days. When I woke up, I had a metal plate covering the skin on the back of my left shoulder. My right temple had a strange piece of metal covering it. The metal had a strange hole in it. They called it my port. I would later learn that this was for my Drive.

I went crazy. I injured several of the professors. I was locked up, and they operated again the next day. I woke up with scars covering my arm.

Eventually, I began hearing new whispers. Whispers of a man named Hugo. A week later, the scientists were gone and new ones were there. They spoke of this Hugo person as well. They called him Lord Hugo.

I'm tired now. I can hardly move. Next time, I'll explain about Paradox. And the Drive. There's a lot I want to say about that.
 
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I like it. It reminds me of the book "I am the Cheese." There are some things that you could do to improve it, however:
Wi
- the writing is somewhat simplistic, in the first post especially. For example, you wrote, "She waited for him to catch up. When he did, she pointed at a hole in the wall." It feels choppy and simple when you write it this way. Additionally, it makes the story itself seem simplistic, while it is quite complex (i'm guessing). With a more complex and smooth (as in less pausing) sentence structure, you can make the story seem complex. To make it read more elegantly, you could instead write "when her partner caught up to her, she directed his attention toward a hole in the wall." This removes that awkward pause in the middle of the first action, and gets to the point more quickly.
- leading on from the previous point, you describe actions like waiting and approaching too often. Simple actions like those are easily inferred by the reader, so removing some of the interjections can help emphasize the important actions. This can help make the story more interesting.
- in the second post, you write, "she picked it up, examining the long blade." Writing it this way makes it look like she examines it as she is picking it up. A better way to write this would be, "she picked it up, and examined the long blade." This makes it look like she picks it up, and then examines it. I used to start one action as the character was completing another, but I have since decided that this is awkward. To stop yourself from doing that, try imagining the scene (any scene, not just that one) as you read back over what you wrote, and pay close attention to when the actions start and finish. Decide whether it looks natural, and rewrite if it doesn't (that's what I do).

Other than that, I love how you write dialogue, but there is not enough dialogue in this story to ignore the simple mistakes that you made when describing objects and actions.
I just discovered that I am an editor. Yay.
 
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Some typos make the story seem a little choppy ("dliding it tnto"?) However, some of the typos are really hard to understand-- take "even it it did." Does this mean "even if it did" or "even though it did"? Typos aside, this story's plot is cool and mysterious. I can't wait for more of this...
 
He pressed the button to stop the recording. There was silence for a moment.

"The more we learn about him, the more disturbing it seems," said the boy. The girl nodded in agreement. She looked back in the bag, pulling out the mask.

"I wonder why this was there. Why does anyone really need to wear a mask?" She slipped it onto her face, and looked around. She laid, saying "We should probably get some sleep now. The boy made a noise of agreement and laid down on the other side of the clearing. The girl listened to his rhythmic breathing, trying to fall asleep, but she couldn't. Her mind was thinking too many things. She knew she needed to get sleep. She had to bring the recordings to the boss in the morning. If she didn't sleep, she'd be too tired. And yet, she couldn't empty her mind. She reached into her pocket, pulling out a small watch. She inspected the small numbers, and realized that while she had been lying here, hours had gone past in what felt like minutes. She called quietly across the clearing.

"Hey."

She heard a quiet reply. "What?"

"Can you sleep?"

"No."

The girl sat up and turned towards him. "Can we listen to another recording?" Her friend said nothing, but pulled out the device and pressed the button again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2-0:8--1,6||1.8.2.38
Project RoX13.Io93 Electronic Memorandum via:PR-DOX.IC

Another one of these I guess. I'll just continue where I left off.

Before they all left, one of the scientists gave me my Drive. When the new scientists appeared, they took it from me, but gave it back when they were sure it wasn't a weapon. They wouldn't want me to have a weapon. They explained to me what the Drive was for. It could be attached to a machine and draw data from it. I could then plug it in to my port to put the information into my brain. They told me to keep it, and make sure not to lose it. I kept it safe.

Then the accident happened.

They had been monitoring my brain, and noticed something wrong. They were going to fix it, but they didn't tell me what they were going to do. They just started operating.

I wouldn't let them.

I killed three of the scientists.

I'm tired now. I'll tell you about Paradox later.
 
Good job on fixing the typos and also making the new chapter intriguing! I have so many questions I want to ask: Who or what is Paradox? Why didn't the Drive work? Why are the boy and girl even there?
 
AbsurdAbsol said:
Good job on fixing the typos and also making the new chapter intriguing! I have so many questions I want to ask: Who or what is Paradox? Why didn't the Drive work? Why are the boy and girl even there?
Click to expand...

Paradox is another character from the Fish Jumpers roleplay that this is based on. The boy and the girl are characters that he added. We will find out about them as the story is written.
 
Yeah. Not too much about them, but you learn what they were doing in the destroyed city, and the significance of the gun, jacket, and mask. Also, ELECTRIC STOP WITH THE SPOILERS OR I WILL THROW THINGS AT YOU THROUGH MY COMPUTER. BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT.
 
She had a question, and I answered. You have to look around for a few hours before you find out anything in that roleplay, anyways.
 
How is the roleplay related at all to this story? I was telling her where the character was from. Not anything about what it is.
 
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