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One-Shot The Best Legendary (R)


busy dizzy lazy
Staff member
Rating: Rated R for strong language (no seriously) and extreme silliness.
Author's Notes: A slightly late birthday present for Butterfree. A while ago it occurred to me that Molzapart would probably be the protagonist's favorite legendary, because in addition to being an uber-powerful elemental mashup thing, it also has a connection to Mew, and what could be better than that? And if it decides that Molzapart is the best, Nate would of course be forced to disagree... and in their monumental immaturity, the discussion would go a little something like this. Hopefully it works out to be amusing.

To understand this story, I'm afraid you'll have to be familiar with Molzapart and Chaletwo from Butterfree's The Quest for the Legends, and there are some references to "Molzapart and Rainteicune" in here, too. The characters, on the other hand, are from Salvage, so you'll need to have read that too to have a clue what's going on. Basically, the audience for this one consists of, like, two people, but putting it here was easier than HTMLifying it properly to throw on my site, so here we are.

Happy 25th, Butterfree! May you enjoy many more years of writing about silly legendaries you made up when you were twelve. ;)

The Best Legendary

The child starts at the noise, hand jerking and leaving a blue crayon streak clear across the paper. It turns a slow, deliberate look of loathing on the great Nathaniel Morgan, who's panting and staring wildly around the room like he doesn't know where he is. Bad enough that he has to sleep all afternoon while other people are actually getting things done, but he can't even be quiet about it. He ought to learn to sleep at night like a normal human.

The human's roaming gaze finally passes across the child and sticks. His frantic expression settles into a scowl, and after taking a moment to catch his breath, he asks, "What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?"

"I am making art," the child says, as though it weren't obvious. "You messed me up. Do not yell like that."

"Yeah?" The great Nathaniel Morgan props himself up on the bed, peering at the drawings scattered around the child. "Well what're you drawing, Picasso?"

"A legendary pokémon."

Nate scrutinizes the pictures for a few seconds. "What, like the Johto dog-things?"

"No," the child snaps. "I said a legendary. A new legendary. The best legendary."

"That so? And what's that?"

"It is a combination of the legendary birds. It's got fire like Moltres and then it is all spiky like Zapdos and it has got a big tail like Articuno, see?"

The human tilts his head slowly to the side, squinting. "Uh-huh. So, what, in that one it's like, freezing the hell out of everything?"

"Yeah!" The child grabs another picture and holds it up for inspection. "It can do fire and ice and lightning and also it has psychic powers!"

"Huh." The drawing's covered in enthusiastic yellow scribbles. Lightning is the the funnest thing to draw. "Psychic powers? What the fuck's that got to do with the fucking birds?"

"They are from Mew. Because Mew was playing with the birds in the Seafoam Islands when she found this magical stone with the power to make any pokémon evolve. They thought it was a geodude, so they all hit it with their best attacks, but actually it was a stone that makes anything evolve, so it evolved their attacks--"

"That's bullshit."

"It evolved their attacks," the child says with a stern look, "and they turned to life and became a new pokémon. It is as strong as Articuno and Zapdos and Moltres combined and also it has Mew's psychic powers. It is the strongest legendary ever and it is psychic- and fire- and electric- and ice- and flying-type so it has no weaknesses."

"What, you mean besides rock?"

The child stares at its own picture for a few seconds, furiously aware of the great Nathaniel Morgan grinning in its peripheral vision. "No weaknesses," it hisses.

"Ooh, scary. Run for your fucking life."

"Anyway its name is Molzapart and it is the strongest ever and it is way better than anything you could ever come up with, so there."

"What? Oh come the fuck on. I could come up with a legendary to beat your fucking psychic chicken any damn day of the week."

"Oh yeah?" The child smiles its biggest smile. "Go ahead and try. Molzapart is the best. You are never gonna beat it."

The human blinks. "Uh, wait, for real? We're actually doing this? Umm..."

"See? I told you so!"

"Nah, nah, piss off," Nate says, struggling up to a proper seated position. "Just give me a minute, goddamn. Uh, let's see." He stares into the middle distance, brow furrowed. "So yeah. Uh, once upon a time there was this... other legendary. And it was like, hmm, Mewtwo, you know? Except... more powerful."

"That is boring!" The child laughs. "Mewtwo but more powerful. What does that even mean? Your legendary is stupid."

"Shut the fuck up! My legendary owns your legendary's ass! You ain't gonna argue with something that can blow your head up from like 3,000 yards away."

"That is Mewthree. Like in the movies? You could not even come up with your own legendary."

"It ain't Mewthree," the great Nathaniel Morgan snaps. "It looks like Mewtwo and shit, but it ain't even a clone. It's got these... It's got these special eyes, right? Like whenever it looks at somebody it like just totally fucking murders them with its eye lasters or whatever the shit. So my legendary looks at your legendary and it dies. The end, motherfucker."

The child stares at him, speechless, while he gives another one of his self-satisfied smirks. When it gets its voice back, the words come out much too close to a squeal. "But that is not fair! You cannot do that!"

"Oh yeah? You're just jealous I came up with it first."

"I am not! I am not because it is a stupid idea and bad and not fair."

"Sounds to me like you just can't come up with any way to beat it."

"Can too!" the child says, face flushing with anger and embarrassment. "Molzapart is better than your dumb Mewtwo thing any day. I mean, it is psychic, and it can drain the powers of other pokémon. So it will just steal Mewtwo-thing's stupid unfair eyes and use them on him instead!"

"Fuck off, it ain't 'Mewtwo-thing,' it's, umm... Chaletwo."

"Chaletwo?" The child scrunches up its face as it tries to think. "What? What's that mean?"

"You serious?" The great Nathaniel Morgan asks with another cocky grin. "You don't get the reference? Wow, I knew you were fucking clueless, but--"

"No, no, I get it," the child snaps. "I get it. I was just wondering why you picked it for a name, that is all."

"If you ain't smart enough to figure it out, fuck me if I can explain it to you."

"Fine. It is a bad name anyway. And like I said, Molzapart will just take Chaletwo's stupid overpowered eyes for itself so there."

"Not if it can't find him. Chaletwo's a time traveler, so he only appears, like, for one fucking minute out of the whole year. And his eyes are, like, super-powerful and shit, you know? So wherever he is, he'll be able to see Molzapart, even if it's on the other side of the world. So Chaletwo shows up, sees Molzapart, teleports right to him and death-eyes him like bam, in, out, done. Your stupid bird won't even know what hit it."

"Stop it," the child snaps. "Stop making things up like that. Nobody can see through a whole planet."

"Chaletwo can. Legendary, remember? If Groudon can make fucking continents then Chaletwo can sure as hell see through them. He'll see your dumbass bird thing before it even gets close. And, like, blow it up."

The child glares at him, and he just shrugs, smirking. "So yeah, Chaletwo fucking owns. Eat shit and die, psychic-bird-douche."

"Nuh-uh. Molzapart's psychic, remember? It can change people's memories. So when Chaletwo sees it, he forgets why he came there. Then Molzapart finds him and drains his powers and kills him." The child laughs at the great Nathaniel Morgan's scowl, but of course the human isn't done yet. He just never gives up, does he?

"Too bad Chaletwo's fucking immortal, so his eye-beams don't work on himself. Molzapart can stare all it wants, it can't do a damn thing. And the second Chaletwo remembers why he's there, he's gonna tell Molzapart to eat rock slide and die."

"Molzapart is not going to die from rock slide," the child snaps. "And your legendary does not get to be immortal. That is cheating."

"Since when? I don't remember you saying nothing about 'no immortal legendaries.'"

"I did not have to! It is cheating and everybody knows it."

"Sounds to me like you're just pissed you lost."

"I did not lose! Even if Molzapart cannot kill Chaletwo, Chaletwo will never remember to attack it. Molzapart will just stay there and keep modifying his memory forever if he has to. Except he will not, because eventually the real Mewtwo will come along and beat up Chaletwo because he is mad that such a stupid pokémon looks like him."

It glares a challenge at the great Nathaniel Morgan. The human stares right back for a few seconds, then finally shakes his head and sighs. "This is kinda stupid."

It is, a little bit. The child fidgets with its crayons, feeling melancholy and not sure why. "Well," it says at last, "maybe they don't have to try and kill each other. Maybe they can be friends instead."

The great Nathaniel Morgan snorts. "Friends? You fucking kidding me? They were fucking created to destroy each other, Freak. Come on." He flops back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Best they can hope for is maybe they can go their separate ways and never see each other again."

"Well, I think you are wrong." The child goes back to coloring, adding some more lightning bolts. "And anyways Molzapart is still better because it looks cooler."

"Oh what the fuck ever," the human sighs.

"See? I told you you could not come up with a better legendary."

"Fuck it." The great Nathaniel Morgan gets up off the bed. "I'm going to go make sure Kerrigan isn't secretly trying to bring the whole goddamn government down on our heads while you're busy drawing shitty pictures."

"He's just mad he lost," the child observes to no one in particular after the human stomps off. It adds a little more lightning, then holds its drawing up for a critical inspection.

Awesome. It's the best picture ever. The child grins to itself and pulls over another piece of paper. It's going to draw Molzapart using flamethrower next, and it knows just the thing for the best legendary ever to use for target practice.

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This is the best thing I have ever read. I have waited all my life for this, the perfect combination of fics and fanart, and you have completed my dream. Thank you. *u*
OH MY GOD. Everything about this is amazing. Especially the illustration.

You got Molzapart's typing wrong, though. >:/ It has five types, damn it! Five!

Thank you and happy birthday to you too! :D
This is the best thing I have ever read. I have waited all my life for this, the perfect combination of fics and fanart, and you have completed my dream. Thank you. *u*
I do what I can! *salutes*

Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed it!

OH MY GOD. Everything about this is amazing. Especially the illustration.
ty I'm thinking of quitting my day job. :D

You got Molzapart's typing wrong, though. >:/ It has five types, damn it! Five!
"Nice going, fuckwit, you stuck so many types on that thing your dumb ass can't even keep track of them all." / "Can too, I just didn't say psychic because it is obvious and only a loser would not be able to figure it out. And of course it needs all of the types, otherwise it would not be the best. Psychic-types are the best."

Glad you enjoyed it, and happy birthday again!

Apparently certain screen brightness/contrast settings make it really obvious where I had to fuss with the color settings on the image so the text would be somewhat legible. I didn't mean for it to be quite that shitty fml
I have just now beheld perfection itself and I fear nothing else in my life shall ever match up to it. Even if I became an immortal time traveller, I would never see anything this beautiful again. *wipes tears*
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