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One-Shot The Return

Darksong

Back in action!
I throw my head back in a lonely howl as the snowflakes drop on my long pelt. Finally, after what seems like forever, I open my eyes, my pure white fur being dampened by the flakes, the children of heavy clouds that had drifted over this cold forest. It was obvious why my name was Yuki; with my snow-colored fur and icy eyes, it looked almost as if I were born from the cold.

I prick my ears as a call, and answer from another wolf, echoes among the bare trunks. The gray blanket builds up more, the numbing of my paws crying out that it's time to keep moving. And all at once, like a comet, I race through the woods, faster than any rabbit prey. I'm practically a bird, gliding over the ground. There's almost no explanation for how my feet step so fast. Though my pads are worn from moons of walking, searching, my muscles were strengthened. Even though I lacked prey, I was strong enough to pull ahead of the constant ache that clung to my stomach.

And now, it is the day I will finally reach home.

My paws push me faster and faster still, like a diving falcon. And finally, as the weak morning sun rises, I skid to a halt in front of the group of wolves facing me. The one furthest forward, the alpha, is gazing ahead with his gray eyes. He appears blind, but I am the one who knows the secret behind his eyes. I have returned to my position as beta in the pack of Fallen Leaves, and I only need one word to welcome myself and announce my return: the name of the alpha.

"Sol."
 
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I think it should have paragraphs so it's easier to read.

I don't think you should describe the fur and the eyes of Yuki so much at the beginning, because all you're doing is repeating their colors.
 
You're good with details, but you should make it longer. For example:

I throw my head back in a lonely howl as the snowflakes drop on my long, white pelt. Finally, after what seems like forever, I open my sky-blue eyes, my pure white fur being dampened by the flakes, the children of heavy clouds that had drifted over this cold forest. It was obvious why my name was Yuki; with my snow-colored fur and ice blue eyes, it looked almost as if I were born from the cold.

I prick my ears as a call, and answer from another wolf, echoes among the bare trunks. The gray blanket builds up more, the numbing of my paws crying out that it's time to keep moving. And all at once, like a comet, I race through the woods, faster than any rabbit prey. I'm practically a bird, gliding over the ground. There's almost no explanation for how my feet step so fast. Though my pads are worn from moons of walking, searching, my muscles were strengthened. Even though I lacked an abundance of prey, I was strong enough to pull ahead of the constant ache that clung to my stomach.

And now, it is the day I will finally reach home.

My paws push me faster and faster still, like a diving falcon. And finally, as the weak morning sun rises, I skid to a halt in front of the group of wolves facing me. The one furthest forward, the alpha, is gazing ahead with his gray eyes. He appears blind, but I am the one who knows the secret behind his eyes. I have returned to my position as beta in the pack of Fallen Leaves, and I only need one word to welcome myself and announce my return: the name of the alpha.

"Sol."

Try to make the next chapter longer, and include a few more details, such as more about Yuki. Add on to the story, tell us more, etc.
 
Fallen Leaves? Sol? =D

Pretty good, but kinda short, even for a one-shot.

Also, 'lacking an abundance of prey' seems redundant. Maybe 'lacking prey'?
 
All right, thanks. I'll fix those. It was an assignment, but it wasn't criticized in time.

No, Dragon, this does not have to do with Warriors. I just think "Sol" is a better name than "Solar," and if I called it "leaves" my class would probably get it. It's supposed to be vague.
 
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