One-Shot Trixie

[DarkAura]

(This will be like a My Little Pony episode, but focused on Trixie. And yes, this is Trixie narrating, but in her regular third person. >>)


"Citizens of Ponyville! Gaze your eyes on the Great and Powerful Trixie!" Trixie yelled. For some unfathomable reason, they booed at Trixie.

"This again? We've had enough of you Trixie! GO AWAY!" A cyan pony with a short, rainbow mane yelled. Trixie was appaulled at how her fans didn't want her onstage. Trixie merely thought that the cyan pony was the only hater, so Trixie continued as normal.

"For my first trick, I shall need a volunteer!" Trixie continued. More boos. A white coat pony with curly purple hair scoffed at Trixie.

Trixie ignored it and looked around for a volunteer. Trixie finally noticed the perfect volunteer: Princess Celestia! Her and Princess Luna were visiting Ponyville to check up on things.

"Princess Celestia, would you care to be a volunteer in Trixie's act?!" Trixie yelled.

Celestia blushed. "Oh, I'm not really in the mood for volunteering for a magic act."

"But this is no act! Trixie will make the greatest magic show in Equestria!" Trixie persisted.

Luna nudged Celestia, and Celestia reluctantly agreed. While Princess Celestia was flying over, Trixie noticed Luna stifling a laugh.

"OK Trixie, what'll you magic act be?" Celestia asked weakly.

Trixie turned to the audience. "Citizens of Ponyville! Trixie will perfect the perfect act! Princess Celestia shall be locked in a box-"

"What," Celestia rebuttled.

"-And will have only one minute to escape before the flames engulf the box! Trixie shall use her magic to get her out!"

"Trixie, I don't think-"

"Trixie is sure of herself, Princess Celestia! Now get in the box." Trixie nudged Celestia in the box and locked it tight. She set up a match and set it next to a rope, igniting it. The rope slowly progressed to the box.

"Now be amazed as Trixie uses her magic to get the Princess out of the box!" Trixie shot a ray of blue magic at the box. "Now! Once Trixie uses her magic on the spot next to her, Celestia shall come out magically unharmed!" Trixie shot another ray of blue magic at the destined spot.

But Celestia isn't there.

Confused, Trixie checked the box. "Princess Celestia?"

"I'm waiting Trixie," she replied.

The fire then connected with the box. BOOM! Trixie was shot back into the crowd while the explosion settles down. When the smoke clears, Celestia was standing there, wide eyes, mouth agape, and her coat singed and black. Princess Celestia glared at Trixie.

When the audience found out that Celestia's OK, they started to boo and laugh at Trixie. It was one thing for a few haters to boo at her, but even Princess Luna booed and laughed at her.

Trixie couldn't take it. She ran off, into the Everfree Forest.


She ran.

And ran.

And ran, until she started having flashes of flashbacks.



"Daddy? I brought you a card for Father's Day," Filly Lulamoon said, handing the card to her father.

"Are cards going to win us the lottery?" Lulamoon's father snapped as he kicked the card out of her hooves, and gave her another kick to her face.. "Now get me something with money or leave me be."


"Mommy? Why did Daddy leave?" Filly Lulamoon asked.

"Oh honey. He left because... I-I'll tell you when you're older dumplin'."


"Hey Mom? Y-you told me to ask you why Dad left when I'm older. I'm older now, but... I guess you can't answer that now..." Child Lulamoon said to her mother's tombstone.


"Windswept? Want to see my newest magic trick?" Child Lulamoon asked her friend Windswept.

"Trixie, I've seen all your magic tricks, and they've failed. Just give up." Windswept answered.

Two ponies walked over to Windswept and whispered in her ear. Lulamoon couldn't very well hear what they said, but the two gave terrible looks to Trixie, and Windswept left with them.

"But..." A tear went down Lulamoon's face. Something inside her then snapped. "If they don't like Lulamoon... They're going to love Trixie..."



Trixie ran until she came across a larger than normal tree. Tired, Trixie slumped on it, and actually started to cry, if you can believe that much. Trixie usually doesn't cry, but this time made her feel hurt and unwanted.

"W-what is Trixie doing wrong..." She said to herself.


A tree fell down in the distance. Then another that wasn't as far. Then another. When a fourth tree fell, Trixie identified the cause of it to be a Canis Major. It's much more deadly than an Ursa Major.

The Canis Major paid no heed to Trixie. It instead headed for Ponyville.

"It's not Trixie's problem..." But a nagging feeling in the back of her mind tried to convince her to help. "...Maybe if Trix-... If I do this, everyone will like me again!"

Thankfully, the Canis Major isn't that fast, so Trixie... I-I mean I'm able to catch up with it. I noticed Twilight and her friends trying to come up with a plan until she noticed me.

"Trixie, get out of here!" Twilight yells, probably still angry that I exploded her mentor.

"No. The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't... I-I mean, I don't run away from any Canis Major." Trix- I said.

While Twilight noticed the change from Trixie's third person to her first person, the Canis Major slashed at me, rocketing me to a nearby house, leaving me dazed. Tri- I stood up, wobbling, and went back over to the Canis Major. I wouldn't give up to anything like a Canis Major. I wouldn't. I shot it with a ray of blue magic from my horn. The Canis Major, bored and unhurt from Trixie's magic, slashed at me once more before leaving. I slip into unconciousness when I hit the building.

---

I woke up in an unfamiliar place. The entire room was made of wood with books stacked neatly in order. My guess was that it was Twilight's library (Who else is that organized?). Trixie could hear voices from outside of the room, most likely Twilight and her friends.


"Twi', ya'll know that I trust the decisions ya make, but this is a terrible idea!" The one called Applejack protested.

"AJ's right. Trixie's a terrible mare who gets everything she wants. She deserved to be hurt by the Canis Major! She's nothing but a spoiled brat, so why are you letting her sleep in luxury?!" The one called Rainbow roared.

Twilight glanced in the library, unaware that I was awake. She turned back to the others. "I don't believe her life was in luxury. Besides, didn't you notice how she wasn't talking in third person and actually helped without expecting anything in return?"

"But that mare made my haaaaair green!" The one named Rarity whined.

"Rarity! You're hair looked extremey-weemy awesome!" A pink pony known as Pinkie chirped.

Rarity sniffed. "Y-you really think so darling?"

"Of course!" Pinkie then whispered to Fluttershy, "naaaah!"

"I still think keeping her here is horrible!" Rainbow persisted.

"No matter what you girls think, this is my Library, so she's staying here!"


I thought deeply about myself. Not about Trixie. Of Lulamoon... I got a sheet of paper from a notebook next to me, got a quill, and started writing...



"um, girls? Y-You might want to look in the library..." Fluttershy observantly said.

The other five looked in and were shocked to see me gone.

"AHAH! See?! I was right! That mare is too inconsiderate to even be here when she needed care!" Rainbow yelled.

"I gotta say, that Trixie always had somethin' up 'er sleeve." Applejack scoffed.

Everyone except Twilight left. Before Twilight started to walk out, she noticed a note on Trixie's bed, and started reading it.


Twilight:

I'm... sorry, for all the pain I caused. Trixie just doesn't...

Look, I'm sorry. I'll be going away, but maybe I'll come back one day and we could be... friends...

-Lulamoon


Twilight smiled.







So how was this?

 

[hyphen]

"appaulled"? It's "appalled." Did you use a spellchecker or dictionary?
I also noticed a few grammar mistakes. "Gaze your eyes," for example.
Colourful text isn't really nessasary.
And I know that it's a one-shot, but something about it makes it seem too rushed.
Otherwise, it's very...nice. Characters are in character, and it gives a lovely glimpse into Trixie's backstory.

 

[DarkAura]

Spellchecker put the red squiggly line below it, but I always thought it had a "u"...

The colorful text distinguishes the flashbacks. (That and because I wub the colors)

After reading it a second time, I noticed that the time when the rope was ignited to the explosion should've been longer, because it didn't seem like a minute when I read it a second time. I see what you mean when you say it's rushed...

All in all, thanks for reviewing it. I'll take your reviews in consideration if I decide to write something again. ^^

 

[Sandstone-Shadow]

After reading it a second time, I noticed that the time when the rope was ignited to the explosion should've been longer, because it didn't seem like a minute when I read it a second time. I see what you mean when you say it's rushed...

I think that part is fine. What makes it seem rushed is that very little happens (Trixie performs a magic trick that doesn't work, then she runs off into the forest, has a few flashbacks, then suddenly she's decided to change and help the other ponies fend off an attack) and there isn't much in the way of her thoughts in between.

I think that when reviewers say, "it's too rushed," writers assume that they need to add more events, make more things happen. And sometimes that's the case. But it's not a matter of this being too short; I don't think you need to add more words to lengthen it, because more words doesn't necessarily make it less rushed. What we need is a closer look into Trixie/Lulamoon's feelings, more buildup. I'll highlight a couple of points where I think you could have a more in-depth look at Trixie's thoughts:

Trixie ran until she came across a larger than normal tree. Tired, Trixie slumped on it, and actually started to cry, if you can believe that much. Trixie usually doesn't cry, but this time made her feel hurt and unwanted.

"W-what is Trixie doing wrong..." She said to herself.

I think this would be a great time to expand on Trixie's thoughts. If she's wondering what she's doing wrong, now would be a great time to show the readers why Trixie thought what she was doing was right, or at least why she didn't think it was wrong. Imagine what you would do if you thought the same thing; think of it as a diary entry! Have Trixie try and explain it to herself so we can see her thoughts.

A tree fell down in the distance. Then another that wasn't as far. Then another. When a fourth tree fell, Trixie identified the cause of it to be a Canis Major. It's much more deadly than an Ursa Major.

This paragraph is awfully fast because Trixie's crying and thinking about her life right now. She really shouldn't have any reason to pay such sudden attention to a tree falling; I would guess she wouldn't really start paying close attention until the third or fourth tree. In between the others, you could put more of her thought process.

Also, how does she decide it's a Canis Major? Does the Canis Major have a certain sound, or smell, or is there something characteristic about the way that the trees fall? Show us how she decides it's a Canis Major. Think about how you would go about deciding an animal in the woods was a deer instead of a wolf; you'd notice how fast or slow, quiet or loud it moved, or if it stopped to look around a lot, or if it stayed low to the ground, etc etc. Why does she decide it's a Canis Major?

The Canis Major paid no heed to Trixie. It instead headed for Ponyville.

"It's not Trixie's problem..." But a nagging feeling in the back of her mind tried to convince her to help. "...Maybe if Trix-... If I do this, everyone will like me again!"

What does the Canis Major look like, and what will it do? Does Trixie imagine it heading into the town, destroying things as easily as it pushed over the trees? The "nagging feeling" is especially potential-filled; Trixie's initial reaction would probably be one of, "They deserve it for being mean to me," kind of thing, but perhaps deep down she really cares, so there could be some worry there, too. Show us everything about how she feels. It'll make the transitions and her decisions that much more convincing!

I picked just a few places where I think you could expand on things, but those are just examples. There's really no bad place to put a character's thoughts and feelings. Think about how often you have a sort of "internal dialogue" with yourself before you do something. Your internal dialogues won't be the same, and they might not be the same length or about the same thing; they might not be similar at all! But paying attention to your own internal dialogue can give you a rough idea how often to include them in a story and how to go about writing them.

I hope you decide to write something else! You have nice word choice and believable dialogue (honestly, I think dialogue is one of the biggest sellers for a piece of writing; if a story has flowery, unrealistic dialogue, I can't get into it!) and in any case, actually writing is the only way to get better! It might seem slow, and you might think you're not getting better, but trust me, any time you write, you're getting better. It just takes practice. =) Good luck!