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Random Chuck Norris Fact/Joke Board

Chuck Norris had a dump in a vat of acid once. The resulting monster became Rick Astley.
Chuck Norris was once given a speeding ticket for doing 250mph in a 30 zone. On foot.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the light on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris falls in water he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as simply "the Islands".

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris doesn't sit down. Chairs just kiss his ass.

The first human alphabet consisted of only the letters C, H, U, K, N, O, R, I, S. Other letters eventually had to be created in order to describe things that were not, in fact, awesome.

“Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Chuck Norris.” “Oh shit.”

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex, because Chuck Norris does not fuck up.

Some kids like to piss their name into the snow. Chuck Norris likes to piss his name into concrete.

Whispering "Chuck Norris sucks" is the quickest but most painful form of suicide on Earth.

What is the only thing deadlier than Chuck Norris with a gun? Chuck Norris without a gun.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

When taking the SATs, just write "Chuck Norris" for every answer and you’ll score over 8000.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
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Chuck Norris' toilet paper:

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in 2 moves.

Chuck Norris only smokes after having sex, and is currently getting through 50 cigarettes a day.
When the police can't handle a problem, they call the FBI. When the FBI can't handle it, they call the president. When he can't handle it, he calls God. When He can't handle it, he calls Chuck Norris. If he can't handle it, the problem doesn't exist.
Chuck Norris tried to sell his brand of toilet paper and failed;it wouldn't take shit from anyone.
During one roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris's foot broke the light barrier.

When Chuck Norris gives blood, he doesn't accept the needle, he uses a shotgun and a bucket

Chuch Norris doesn't write; the words form up themselves out of fear

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and leaping over buildings are warm-up exercises for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the person responsible for defeating Sauron, when he roundhouse kicked him out of existance. Tolkien invented Frodo, Aragorn and Gandalf to portray just 1% of Chuck Norris's power, and the whole 'destroy the ring' plot to make up for the missing 2% of Chuch Norris's power needed to destroy Sauron. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Tolkien.

Chuck Norris once farted. The Sahara Desert remains to this day.

A woman from Atlantis once said 'no' to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris sank Atlantis.

The only people who can move fast enough to block a roundhouse kick are Jedi. Unfortunatly for them, Chuck Norris is both unstoppable and lightsaber-proof, whereas they are not.

Chuch Norris shot JKF. Without a gun.

...This is fun. (The first 4 come from a poster I have seen but don't have, the others I invented)
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There's a 1/765000000 chance you'll be hit by residual energy spread by a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick while walking on the street and die.
Once Mr. T and Chuck Norris walked into a bar. It exploded because so much awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If Chuck Norris cried , his teardrops can cure any disease. Unfortunately he never cries.

How was the Grand Canyon created ?
Chuck Norris just punched the ground.
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