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Spiral: Enter the Abyss: The Lady's War

Harlequin

Harlequin

Active member
This is a small excerpt from NaNoWriMo07. It happens way into the future of the novel though it's actually the opening scene. For a little backstory, after the events of the novel, a Lady [an extremely powerful magician] takes over the magical government with her army of Shriekers [powerful magical entities that exist only to cause pain and torment to magical beings]. Basically the Order of Watchers [more extremely powerful magicians whose powers are equal to that of Lords and Ladies but they're very few in number because they keep dying. Oops.]

Anyway. Here goes.



[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Silence. It was a sound – or rather, lack thereof – that everyone welcomed. It was far better than the inhuman, bleak sound of the Shriekers, and much more soothing than the sound of magical warfare.[/FONT]​

​
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The men and women who sat in the trenches waited, their ears protected by various defensive spells and enchantments. A single witch-light sat in the hands of a frightened young warrior, lighting her face with an eerie green glow. [/FONT]​

​
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Suddenly, the light went out, and it was dark again. She looked up into the sky fearfully, and saw that it was raining death.[/FONT]​

​
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Huge and incredibly hot strikes of pure magic were streaming through the skies towards their trench, and she wasn't sure if their shield would hold. Whispering, she gave some of her energy to the shield that protected them, just moments before the magic hit.[/FONT]​

​
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]She almost hid her face, but looked straight ahead into the magic. It smashed into the shield, and she felt the waves of pure magic flood the shield's limits. The shield shimmered as if it was about to fail, but she saw others around her send their magic to help it – it held, and the strikes that their enemy had sent dissipated.[/FONT]​

​
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]She turned to the warrior next to her and smiled; it was a smile of great relief.[/FONT]​

​
“[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]We did it,” she said. The warrior looked behind her, his mouth open and eyes wide. Startled, she turned – and saw only pain, as the most powerful magical strike she had ever seen was coming their way, and their shield was — it was — oblivion.[/FONT]​
 
Wow. That's lots of colons for a title. Since this is just a prologue, I think, I can't judge, but it looks tacky.

By the way, I'm removing your formating. I hope you don't mind.

Silence. It was a sound – or rather, lack thereof – that everyone welcomed. It was far better than the inhuman, bleak sound of the Shriekers, and much more soothing than the sound of magical warfare.
Click to expand...
I wouldn't know what a Shrieker is if I didn't read the introduction. Nothing, even if it's trying to be dramatic, has happened. Moving on.

The men and women who sat in the trenches waited, their ears protected by various defensive spells and enchantments. A single witch-light sat in the hands of a frightened young warrior, lighting her face with an eerie green glow.
Click to expand...
Why isn't there magic protecting everything else?

Suddenly, the light went out, and it was dark again.
Click to expand...
I thought it was the morning until you said the light went out.

She looked up into the sky fearfully, and saw that it was raining death.

Huge and incredibly hot strikes of pure magic were streaming through the skies towards their trench, and she wasn't sure if their shield would hold. Whispering, she gave some of her energy to the shield that protected them, just moments before the magic hit.
Click to expand...
Calling something pure magic makes no sense at all, as it just kills people. You called it warm death rain or something, and I think you should stick with that.

She almost hid her face, but looked straight ahead into the magic. It smashed into the shield, and she felt the waves of pure magic flood the shield's limits.
Click to expand...
There's a sheild? What kind? Magic, metal, or something else?

The shield shimmered as if it was about to fail, but she saw others around her send their magic to help it – it held, and the strikes that their enemy had sent dissipated.
Click to expand...
If they also had the ability to e-mail magic, why didn't they try fighting off the death rain too? I'd call them jerks, but, since they're going to die, I don't know.

Startled, she turned – and saw only pain, as the most powerful magical strike she had ever seen was coming their way, and their shield was — it was — oblivion.
Click to expand...
Then the shield was really sad because everyone forgot about it. Maybe it's because everyone's dead. Who knows?

Oh, and my friend says the paragraphs are too short, but I'm not sure what's causing that. I don't know what this prologue is for, though, so I guess I'll need to find that out later.
 
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Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I am also entitled to heavy disagreement with everything ArtificialFlavour pointed out.
 
It's not a prologue ; ; it's part of a [now unused] dream sequence that the main character has. You're not meant to know what a Shrieker is or why pure magic kills [hint: it's pure magic. Without focus or intent it's a destructive thing by nature].

By the way they're not e-mailing magic. They're sending their magic to strengthen the shield. As in "hey let's power the shield!" and they use their magic to help it. It's like casting a spell.

Most things in this little bit have been reworked, anyway. It's pre-edit. But the Lady's War does take place. I'm thinking of writing it as a spin-off.

[ideas ; ;]
 
Yeah, this extract definitely isn't the best thing I've ever written. The entire manuscript is riddled with errors but I'm going to fix all that. Eventually.

The dashes are different lengths because of when I added them. They'd be the same length if I did some stuff to it but for now I can't really be bothered [and I don't have access to the document].

As for the point about the "as" ... well. I could mean "because" and "while" at the same time. The magical strike is heading towards her at that time and she saw "only pain" because of it.

I should probably reword it, though.
 
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