In Progress Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

[Shadowstar]

A/N:Okay, this is the revamped edition of 'Warriors:Great StarClan!'. I'm hoping it will be at least 3 stars.

SHIPPINGS:
ShadowXThunder
CloudXSun

OCs:
Thunder-
Sunclaw:Blackstar and Darkclaw's kit. Formerly ShadowClan.
Shadow-
Moonpelt:White warrior, ruthless and cunning.
Loners-
Darkclaw:Blackstar's mate, Sunclaw's mother. Exiled from ShadowClan.
Star-
Star-star:Leader of StarClan.
FIC!
----
One day, at Bluestar's house, which was given to her by Thunderstar, she was simply sitting around, in her favorite t-shirt. It had a star design on it and said 'The best of us', her favorite band. She resumed watching TV. A few muinetes later, she got a letter from Star-star's messenger, Starpelt, her silver fur wasn't as shiny as Star-star's.
"Oh place of no stars, I'm late for the meeting." panicked Bluestar.

She hurried past some kits that never suvived to six moons and met the others at an opening in the ground. "Woah. We actually have to send someone down there?" asked Tellowfang, her blackish-blue fur seemed to be silver at this time or night.

"Hey, Bluestar, scince you were here last, you have to go." the white tom by the name of Star-star meowed.

And thus, Bluestar decends to the island below.

It was time for the gathering, and the cats were either sitting in groups and having conversations, Blackstar was speaking to Moonpelt, it seemed like Moonpelt pretended to listen. "Blackstar, you know very well that ThunderClan won't give in! Besides, even if you DO use the Star jewel at the Sun-drown-place-"started Moonpelt, her white fur gleaming the moonlight.

"Shhhh! The meeting is starting and my plan will be put in motion!" hissed
a large white tom with black paws that goes by the name of Blackstar, as Firestar spoke and everycat fell quiet.

"All clans, it has come to my knowlage that three peices of the crystals in the center or StarClan have fallen to us. If any cat uses them, Star-star himself will appear.
But this comes at a price, you will have to fight the temptation of the crystals, don't use them for greed." Firestar's voice was strong, his ginger fur was dull and his green eyes looked amber in the moonlight tonight.

Suddenly, a golden sphere that appeared out of nowhere decended and took the shape of a cat. The she-cat opened her blue eyes, her blue-gray fur was gleaming-especially her muzzle and the tip of her tail- must remember me."she meowed.

"B-Bluestar!"Firestar was overjoyed.

With a flick of Blackstar's tail, rouges appeared and attacked, Moonpelt pounced on Firestar, Blackstar pounced on Bluestar, and soon, all the cats of ThunderClan, RiverClan, and WindClan were pinned to the ground...

... And so it begins...
----
Sorry, tab won't work and spacing doesn't appear. What do you think? Better? Worse? Give me you COMPLETELY honest opinion, just post in the thread.

 

[Keltena]

The problem I have with this is, I honestly can't tell what's going on. Everything happens incredibly fast -- stretch it out more, add some description, give your readers a chance to breathe. c= It doesn't have to be all dialog and the bare necessities of description -- tell us about where the characters are and what they look like (never assume your readers know everything.) Everything happens way too suddenly; the most extreme example is where you describe a few cats pouncing on others, and then suddenly "all the cats of ThunderClan, RiverClan and WindClan were pinned to the ground"? Tell us how this happened: did all the ShadowClan cats leap on them, did rogue cats assist them? Just... write more. Jumping from action to action is difficult to read.

I have no idea what the Star Jewel is... did you intend it to be unclear and you're going to explain later, or does that just need work?

You've made a few grammar errors... for example:

started Moonpelt, her white fur gleamed in the moonlight.

should be "started Moonpelt, her white fur gleaming in the moonlight" or "started Moonpelt. Her white fur gleamed in the moonlight." Also, don't have more than one person talking in a single paragraph: make a new paragraph when a new person speaks. Watch out for things like that, and typos too, because you've made quite a few: missed spaces, misspelled words, and that kind of thing. Spellcheck is your friend.

Also... StarClan cats in T-shirts and watching TV? I'm not sure how they'd wear shirts or control a television... I'm not telling you to do anything, just pointing out that this is very cracky; I'm not sure if that's the direction your story is going in or not.

Just FYI, there is a different afterlife for the cats who severely break warrior code, like Brokentail. It first shows up in The New Prophecy, so I understand if you'd rather find out for yourself, but in case you don't mind... They go to a dark forest with no stars in the sky. StarClan can go there, but the evil cats can't leave. They can, however, walk in cats' dreams like StarClan.

I'm not sure what Bluestar meant when she said "BlackClan"... care to explain? =)

That's what I can think of so far... I hope it's a little helpful.

 

[Shadowstar]

Okay, I'll modify and stuff.^^

BlackClan was my presumation of the opposate of StarClan;StarClan=heven or netreal, BlackClan=hell. *starts revising*

P.S;The proluge(did I spell that right?) is sopposed to be almost pure crack.^^

 

[Autumn]

BlackClan was my presumation of the opposate of StarClan;StarClan=heven or netreal, BlackClan=hell. *starts revising*

The actual name is the Place of No Stars. Before the name was announced, most people thought it would be a Clan (Place of No Stars sounds like a Tribe name, actually), but it wasn't.

 

[Shadowstar]

Ah. It's edited and could somebody tell me what Blackstar looks like so I can be in detail for him? The official website doesn't say.

 

[Keltena]

Blackstar is a big white tom with black paws.

 

[Shadowstar]

Thank you, I needed to know that so I could add detail.^^

 

[OrangeAipom]

All cats are the same besides hair color? That's odd. Then again, I haven't Warriors.

 

[Shadowstar]

Not... Really... Eye color, personality, clan, to name a few differences...

You should read it, it's awsome.^^

 

[Darksong]

I have one question: Is this supposed to be silly or serious?
And the correct way to spell it is "prologue."

 

[Shadowstar]

I have one question: Is this supposed to be silly or serious?
And the correct way to spell it is "prologue."

1.Mix of both.

Thanks.^^ (NEXT CHAPTER IS ALMOST DONE!)

 

[Shadowstar]

A/N:New chapter! Well, first real chapter, accually.XD

Thank you for your reveiws, and thank you whoever rated it four stars, I try my best and it only makes me write more!

Let's hear it for me!
Also, one new ship, LeafXDust, last one.

Unless you guys want me to add more.

Also, one last OC, a ShadowClan kit named Starkit

What? The writing guidelines say I can double post when posting a new chapter, and I am.
----
It had been one quarter moon since Blackstar had fought at the Gathering. He had broken the warrior code. Worse, Firestar didn't know what he was up to.
Firestar was scratched and scraped. Moonpelt had been very rough when pinning him down, and she had also dug her claws hard into his shoulder. Leafpool was obviously buisier than ever.
Many ThunderClan cats came in with infected bites or scratches, the most serious treated first. The worst of them was Dustpelt, with broken front right paw, but Leafpool didn't mind.
She was the Medicine Cat, after all. "Thank you, Leafpool..." thanked Dustpelt.

"You're welcome," Leafpool replied, her amber eyes gleaming. Her eyes shone with great contrast to her light brown pelt, and her white paws and chest contrasted even more.

Just then, an unexpected visitor came to the entrance of the medicine cat den, it was Onestar. "What do you want, Onestar?" asked Firestar.

"I come because many WindClan warriors have rebelled against me, and I don't know why." replied Onestar.

"Hey, Firestar! How did the story go, you know, how the clans formed again?" asked Cloudtail, coming over from a group of warriors who, apparently, were disscussing it.

"I have an idea. We can tell the story of how the clans formed!" Meowed Onestar, his dusty brown pelt looking somewhat golden in the sunlight.

"Good idea, all the leaders will join in telling it to the native rebels," meowed Leafpool.

"They haven't done any damage, but they need to be reminded," meowed Onestar.


It was a full moon again, and all the clans gathered where they normally did;on the island. Well, exept ShadowClan, only a small kit who was barely four moons snuck over to the gathering.
"Who are you little kit? Where's your mommy?"asked Cloudtail to the white and gray, blue-eyed kit.

"I came alone, I sneak out and hunt all the time, too." the kit replied, her blue eyes were gleaming with pride. She obviously didn't know much about the Warrior code yet.

Firestar began to tell the story. He was joined by Onestar and Lepordstar at some points. It was Onestar that concluded the story.
"... And thus began the clans." he meowed. All leaders called out one by one, and the kit joined them to fill in for Blackstar. Wispers could be heard at the sight of a kit no more than four moons climbing up the tree.

"ThunderClan, feirce and brave!" called Firestar, getting cheers from all clan cats

"Windclan, swift and loyal!" called Onestar in response, also getting cheers of clan pride from all.

"RiverClan, cunning and clever!" called Lepordstar in suit, reciving cheers from the cats again.

"ShadowClan, wily and proud!" called the kit, reciving no cheers, but plenty of akward stares from all the cats. Finally, meows and hissed of disapproval could be heard.

"What? What's the matter, why aren't you guys cheering for ShadowClan? Why are you hissing at me?" asked the kit, about to cry.

No cat spoke, and watchful eyes appeared at the edge of the island.
-----
A/N:Yeah, I felt like including that. As you can see, the chapters are getting longer. I made the RiverClan one up, I made it as close to the one in the Warriors Video on the official site as I could.=D?

 

[Autumn]

"You're welcome."Leafpool replied, her amber eyes gleaming, her eyes had great contrast with her gingerish-striped-with-black pelt.?

Are you going by the way she looks in my avatar? She's actually a light brown tabby with white paws and a white chest.

 

[Shadowstar]

Okay, I'll edit.

 

[Keltena]

Okay, one thing you really need to work on is your run-on sentences. Adding a comma and then writing more does not necessarily make a sentence correct -- don't be afraid to use words like "and" and "but", use semicolons, or start new sentences. Really. Are you writing this in Microsoft Word or something of the kind? Use the spelling and grammar check -- it's by no means perfect, but it will tell you in general when you spell or phrase something wrong.

Also, you're still having the problem of making the story move too fast: write description in between the dialogue. Say where your character are. Say what they're doing while they talk, and how they're talking. Etc.

Also, you do realize you don't need to list what 'shippings are going to happen? If they're in the story, we'll see them when they come along, so it's not at all necessary. Same with where you put "scene change" and "timeskip" -- instead of doing that, say at the beginning of that section "it was full moon again, and cats were gathering on the island" or whatever. Like always: show, don't tell.

Um, let's see. Those are my pointers for now, I guess. Hope it helps!

 

[Shadowstar]

Yeah, I always seem to have problems with run-on scentences...*edits*

Fixed chapter 1 and Prologue, feel free to point anything ele out!~^^

I don't have MS word...

 

[Darksong]

I was the one that rated it 4 stars! :)

I see a lot of improvement here, but there are a few things that need to be fixed.

It had been one quarter moon scince Blackstar fought at the gathering. He had broken Warrior code. Worse, Firestar didn't know what he was up to.

On the second sentence, the capital W in Warrior doesn't need to be capitalized. You should also say "He had broken the warrior code."

Firestar was scratched and scraped, Moonpelt was very rough when pinning him down, Moonpelt dug her claws into his sholder.

After "Firestar was scratched and scraped", there should be a period, not a comma. There should also be a semicolon after "Moonprly was very rough when pinning him down".

Leafpool was obviously buisier than ever,
Many ThunderClan cats came it with bites, scratches, or broken bones. Worst of them was Dustpelt, broken front right paw, but Leafpool didn't mind,
she is the Medicine Cat, after all. "Thank you, Leafpool..." thanked Dustpelt.

There should be a period after "Leafpool was obviously busier than ever". Also, it would be correct if it said "The worst of them was Duspelt, with a broken front right paw[/B]. But Leafpool didn't mind. She was the medicine cat, after all.

"You're welcome."Leafpool replied, her amber eyes gleaming, her eyes had great contrast with her light brown pelt, white on here paws and chest.

You should say "Leafpool replied, her amber eyes gleaming.

"I come because many WindClan warriors have rebelled against me, I don't know why."Replied Onestar.

After the first part, there should be a period, not a comma.

"I have an idea. We can tell the story of how the clans formed!" Meowed Onestar, his dusty brown pelt looked some-what golden in the sunlight.

Either "Meowed Onestar. His dusty brown pelt looked somewhat golden in the sunlight" or "Meowed Onestar, his dusty brown pelt looking somewhat golden in the sunlight."

Well, exept ShadowClan; only a small kit who was barely four moons snuck over to the gathering.
"Who are you, little kit? Where's your mommy?"

That's how it should be.

Firestar began to tell the story, and was joined by Onestar and Lepordstar at some points, it was Onestar that concluded the story.
"... And thus began the clans." he concluded, all leaders stepped foward one by one, and the kit joined them to fill in for Blackstar.

Change all of the commas to periods except the first and last ones.

Sorry if this seems like a lot. I'm just trying to help you make your thing better. :)

 

[Autumn]

Nope, Darksong, you actually have some points in your review wrong when it comes to proper grammar. My turn~

It had been one quarter moon scince Blackstar fought at the gathering.

It's "since", not "scince". There should he a "had" after "Blackstar". And finally, Gathering needs to have a capital G.

He had broken Warrior code.

What Darksong said holds true here; there should be "the" after "broken", and "warrior code" doesn't need a capital W.

Firestar was scratched and scraped, Moonpelt was very rough when pinning him down, Moonpelt dug her claws into his sholder.

Perhaps a better way to phrase this sentence would be like this:

Firestar was scratched and scraped. Moonpelt had been very rough when pinning him down, and she had also dug her claws hard into his shoulder.

Not that my example's all that good in terms of the writing style either. Description is key in battle and after-battle scenes.

Leafpool was obviously buisier than ever,
Many ThunderClan cats came it with bites, scratches, or broken bones.

Leafpool was obviously busier than ever. Many ThunderClan cats came into her den with bites, scratches or broken bones.

A bite also isn't an immediate call for attention if it stops bleeding on its own. What does need treatment are deep wounds that bleed profusely or infected wounds. A cat also isn't likely to break a bone during a battle, either. The only time as of yet that any cat has broken a bone was Cinderpelt (and another cat in Power of Three, but you'll see that later), and she got hit by a car. It'd be very unlikely, if not impossible, to break a bone during a battle. And even if they did somehow have a broken bone, I don't think they'd be able to make it to the den, either (the most common sprains/twists and Cinderpelt's break are in the legs).

Worst of them was Dustpelt, broken front right paw, but Leafpool didn't mind,
she is the Medicine Cat, after all. "Thank you, Leafpool..." thanked Dustpelt.

The worst of all of them was Dustpelt. His front right paw had been broken, although Leafpool didn't mind healing him. She was the medicine cat, after all. When she was done dressing the break, Dustpelt thanked her, "Thank you, Leafpool..."

Not that "thanked" is a particularly good word to use when "Thank you" is used in the dialogue.

"You're welcome."Leafpool replied, her amber eyes gleaming, her eyes had great contrast with her light brown pelt, white on here paws and chest.

"You're welcome," Leafpool replied, her amber eyes gleaming. Her eyes shone with great contrast to her light brown pelt, and her white paws and chest contrasted even more.

Infodump, last sentence could be left out. And yellow/orange isn't all that far from light brown anyway.

Just then, an unexpected visitor came to the entrance of the medicine cat den, it was Onestar. "What do you want, Onestar?" asked Firestar.

Period after "medicine cat den", and the next sentence should be "It was Onestar." The text also never actually said that Firestar was in the medicine cat's den, perhaps add that in somewhere?

"I come because many WindClan warriors have rebelled against me, I don't know why."Replied Onestar.

There should be an "and" after the comma. There should also be: - a comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue, - a space between the dialogue and the text after, - "replied" over "Replied".

"Hey, Firestar! How did the story go, you know, how the clans formed again?"asked Cloudtail, coming over from a group of warriors who, apparently, were disscussing it.

"Clans", not "clans". Space between the dialogue and "asked Cloudtail". The word is "discussing", not "disscussing".

"I have an idea. We can tell the story of how the clans formed!" Meowed Onestar, his dusty brown pelt looked some-what golden in the sunlight.

"Clans" again. "Meowed" should be lowercased. "looked" should be "looking". "Somewhat" doesn't need a hyphen.

"Good idea, all the leaders will join in telling it to the native rebels." meowed Leafpool.

Should be "and" after first comma, and "will" shuld be "can". Comma, not period, at the end of the dialogue.

"They haven't done any damage, but they need to be reminded." meowed Onestar

Again, comma, not period. There should be a period at the end of the sentence.

It was a full moon again, and all the clans gathered where they normally did;on the island.

"Clans". Never "clans". "Clans". Semicolon should be replaced with a colon and a space between said colon and next text,

Well, exept ShadowClan, only a small kit who was barely four moons snuck over to the gathering.
"Who are you little kit? Where's your mommy?"asked Cloudtail to the white and gray, blue-eyed kit.

Well, all of them except ShadowClan. A small ShadowClan kit who was barely four moons old had snuck over to the Gathering, however.

"Who are you, little kit? Where's your mother?" asked Cloudtail to the white-and-gray, blue-eyed kit.

"Blue-eyed kit" is unnecessary, actually. Infodump if you do so. With the layout of the territories, a kit would have not have gotten to the Gathering unnoticed unless she had swam across the lake. Cloudtail would have done more than ask the kit where her mother was -- kits never go to Gatherings, and he would have done something about both the fact that the kit is ShadowClan, and, well, a kit.

"I came alone, I sneak out and hunt all the time, too." the kit replied. Her blue eyes gleaming with pride.

Not something to be proud of when it breaks the warrior code. Comma, not period, and there should be a "were" as "Her blue eyes were gleaming with pride."

Firestar began to tell the story, and was joined by Onestar and Lepordstar at some points, it was Onestar that concluded the story.
"... And thus began the clans." he concluded, all leaders stepped foward one by one, and the kit joined them to fill in for Blackstar.

Firestar began to tell the story, and was joined in by Onestar and Leopardstar at some points. Onestar was the one that concluded the story, however.

... And thus began the Clans," he meowed, and all the leaders stepped forward one by one. The kit joined them in the intent of replacing Blackstar.

I know you haven't read this far yet, but when cats announce for a Gathering at the lake, they're kind of on a tree. A kit would not go unnoticed climbing up a tree to where only three other cats are.

"ThunderClan, feirce and brave!" called Firestar, getting cheers from all clan cats

"Fierce". "Clan". Period at the end of the sentence. Also, not every cat cheers for ThunderClan -- you'd be better off having each Clan cheer when its own Clan is announced, instead of for every one of them.

"Windclan, swift and loyal!" called Onestar in response, also getting cheers of clan pride from all.[/QUOTE[]

Clan. Clan Clan Clan.

"RiverClan, cunning and clever!" called Lepordstar in suit, reciving cheers from the cats again.

Leopardstar~

"ShadowClan, wily and proud!" called the kit, reciving no cheers, but plenty of akward stares from all the cats.

ShadowClan, despite being constantly portrayed as the antagonists, truly are not, and unless nobody's cheering because they are wondering what in StarClan a kit is doing up there, then everybody should be cheering as they cheered for the rest. WindClan, for example, begins to really dislike ThunderClan in Power of Three, and would not be cheering under normal circumstances. But because they are, you should make cats cheer for ShadowClan too (especially considering they, y'know, help ThunderClan win a battle in Power of Three - a first, honestly, having a Thunder/Shadow vs River/Wind alliance...) Also, it's "awkward".

"What? What's the matter, why aren't you guys cheering for ShadowClan?" asked the kit, about to cry.

This could be part of the above paragraph.

Yeah.

 

[Shadowstar]

Thanks, everybody! It's edited.^^

I going to start on the next chapter... Maybie it'll be up later this month, a little later is I get writer's block.

 

[Twilight Dragon]

Listen guys, she didn't post here to get it proofread. There's this thing called typos, you know...

Anyways, all I can say has already been said.