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In Progress Digimon Data Squad II

Celestial Blade

Celestial Blade

Banned
It has been ten years since the events of Digimon Data Squad. Kurata is presumed dead due to him interfering with other dimensions of the Digital World. Now, his son, Otaka, wants revenge. Commander Sampson's whereabouts are unknown, and now 24-year old Marcus Damon and his Digimon Agumon, part of the former DATS, have to get the team back together, with some new recruits, to help stop Otaka's plans. Thomas is in Austria with his family, unaware of what was going on in Japan. Yoshino, even though she helped Marcus join DATS and saved him many times, dcides to lay a little low. Keenan Crier's is the first to come back, followed by Homer Yushima's son (Homer Yushima has retired) Lucas.

The new cast
Richie, the new hot-headed leader, who happens to be not only a huge fan of Marcus, but also is Kristy's boyfriend. His Digimon is the Triceratops-like Protomon, whose skills are a mystery.
Emma, the girly-girl of the group, who may be selfish at first, but has a warm heart. Her Digimon is Terriermon, (a different Terriermon than in Digimon the Movie and Digimon Season 3, with a new, different, Digivolution line to suit the fact that this Terriermon is female.)
Lucas, Homer Yushima's son, who happens to be very calm and collected, unless somebody provokes him. His Digimon is Kamemon, who happens t obe the same individual associated with his father.
Keenan and Falcomon will be involved as well.

(As I was typing this, I realized that I had to go elsewhere, so I promise to get more info and the first episode, up soon.)
 
(more supporting roles will be revealed, along with chapter one, Tomorrow!)

Now I need to think of clever names for each episode, so the first chapter will be dealyed until tomorrow.
 
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=/ There's really no point in posting only to say that you'll update tomorrow. I have seen no writing in any of your threads, so I can't be excited that you're updating tomorrow, since I have no idea how you write and if it's worth reading.

And by all means don't delay your writing because you haven't thought of a clever title. Titles will come in time. I often name my stories "(main character)'s Story" until I get the inspiration to name it something else. The title usually comes from the theme of your writing - how will you know for sure what that theme is until you've written it?
 
Here's Episode One

"Monster Showdown of Digital Destiny"

Richie was the first of the new to come to DATS Headquarters. It was February 2nd, 2016. Miki and Megumi were back, with their PawnChessmon typing on the computers next to their human partners like they used to. Richie saw the fight against King Drasil nine years ago, but he was only nine at the time, and Richie looked up to Marcus, and wanted to be one of the greatest fistfighters in Japan. Marcus then walked slowly up to Richie, and said to him "I heard that you saw some strange creatures some years back. You know what those creatures were, right?" Richie shook his head, and said "No, sir." Marcus explained "Those creatures are called 'Digital Monsters', or 'Digimon' for short. At DATS, we try to keep the world of Digimon a secret from civilians, but since you've been hired, don't tell anybody about Digimon, not even your parents or guardians, at least not yet. Anyways, here at DATS, or the Data Squad, as some call it, each agent gets a Digimon partner to help them accomplish missions. I'll let you pick a Digimon that we've raised, since I'm such a nice guy." Marcus led Richie into a special room where where were many Rookie-level Digimon, from Bearmon to Wormmon, but Richie chose one that seemed to stand out to him. It resembled a miniature, green gray and gold, version of a dinosaur like Triceratops, only it stood up on two legs and that its horns haven't fully developed yet. This was Protomon, who was ready for some action. Richie pointed to Protomon, and said to Marcus "This one seems to be perfect for me." Marcus then said "Okay, then, but we don't know much about him, so be careful, he might be overly powerful." Marcus pressed a small red button, and Protomon walked out. Protomon then approached Richie intorduced himself, saying "Hi! I'm Protomon!, sniffed him for five seconds, and added "You smell nice." Richie scratched the back of his neck, blushed a little, and said "Uhh... thank you? And I'm Richie Marshall, by the way.." Protomon then asked "Will you be my dad?" Richie then said "Uh... I guess...." Marcus then said "Protomon is still a young Digimon, so he might be a handful.". Marcus then noticed an alarm go off. Keenan came into the room, and told Marcus that two Digimon were fighting downtown. One of them was like a small, lavender colored snaked with green wings and a yellow horn on its head. Marcus then recognizedthe other Digimon as his Digimon Partner Agumon. Marcus then told Richie "Richie, your first mission is to defeat that snake Digimon, and then bring the other one back here!" Protomon then grabbed Richie by the arm, pulling him all the way to their destination. When they got there, Protomon then said "Oh.. I forgot to give you something!", and gave Richie an emerald colored Digivice Burst. Agumon ran behind Richie, explaining to him about D.N.A (Digimon Natural Ability), and about other functions of the Digivice, including Digivolution. The snake Digimon was apparently called Cobramon, who left Protomon defeated on the ground. Cobramon, like Protomon, was a Rookie Digimon, but Protomon wasn't at his full potential yet. Richie shouted at Cobramon, "WHY YOU LITTLE..... GAAAAAAAAH!", as he ran up to Cobramon, punching it right in the face. A bright green aura of D.N.A. appeared around Richie's fist. Agumon yelled "USE THE DIGIVICE!" Richie then said "D.N.A....... CHARGE!" as he put the aura into his Digivice. Protomon's eyes opened and the dinosaur Digimon said "Protomon Digivolve to....", and he became a black and grey dinosaur like Digimon with a large horn on its nose. It shouted its name "Monochromon!" Monochromon then said "Dad, I'll handle this!" Richie nodded and said "So that's Digivolution, huh?" Cobramon spat acid at Monochromon, but it missed, hitting a nearby tree, leaving behind absolutely nothing of said tree. Monochromon finished the fight, and roared "Volcanic Strike!" as he spat out a fiery blast of energy. Cobramon was defeated ,and reverted to a Digi-Egg, and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Monochromon became Protomon again, and told Agumon to follow Richie. Protomon then followed Agumon. When they returned to HQ, Agumon mauled Marcus, giving him a giant hug. Marcus then said "Agumon. It's nice to see you, too, but I can hardly breathe with you on top of me." Agumon said "Sorry, Boss." Marcus saw the whole fight between Monochromon and Cobramon, and told Richie that it was impressive. Richie thanked Marcus.

end of Episode
 
*cries* You really learned nothing from BG. And now WE have to deal with you.

At least you haven't put anything up about Eric-the-most-Gary-Stuish-character-ever yet.



*knocks on wood*
 
...Look, I love Nozomi-tachi, but I recognize I'm not a good writer. And that they are probably all Mary-Sues (And a Gary-Stu. Poor Sand is basically the only guy.).

All the advice you got from Bubagarden is advice you should follow to further yourself as a writer.
 
Ketsu, he's been posting stuff of this quality for years, back on the early days of TCoD's Invisionfree forums. No amount of criticism is going to get through.
 
Is episode one called "the (not-so)great wall of text?"

Come on, I know you can do better than that. And if anything, please use the enter button here and there to make it easier to read.

And then after that, maybe you could focus on improving your standards of writing.
 
...What was that other one called again? "Eric Damon's Incredible Pokemon adventure" or something? That topic was good lulz. Keep up this quality humor writing, Celestial Blade! I look forward to future installations!
 
Involuntary Twitch said:
...What was that other one called again? "Eric Damon's Incredible Pokemon adventure" or something? That topic was good lulz. Keep up this quality humor writing, Celestial Blade! I look forward to future installations!
Click to expand...

"Eric Damien's Quest: Pokemon and Revenge"
That name showed up for some reason when I was putting in a title for one of my PMs. Then I realized that it was "that Pokemon fanfic". I found it quite distressing that the only remaining memory my computer has of the old forum is a blob of text with a title slapped on.
 
Okay, I'm not going to do those scathing points at you like I did for your Eric Daimon story, at the very least not yet. Instead I'm going to give you some constructive criticism. If you don't take this on board, though, I'm going to do what I did before and tear you apart.

First of all, as many have more bluntly said, you need to learn to use paragraphs. As nice as it is to see how much you've written, it's difficult to read in a monster of a block of text. Just make a new paragraph when someone is speaking, or when another person is speaking, and when the setting or point of the paragraph ends. So, for example, you'd have one paragraph about Richie joining DATS, and him going to find his Digipartner in another. Then, every time someone new or different speaks in these paragraphs you make a new paragraph for them speaking. You just need to hit the enter key, okay? It'll make your work more presentable and people will be able to read it rather than complaining that it's blinding them.

Secondly, stop repeating things. I'm sure you said "And then [x] said" about four times in a row, when you could have easily just put each of these bits of speech in different paragraphs, to show it's alternating between two people speaking, and just cut out the "And then [x] said" altogether; just have speech on separate paragraphs.

Thirdly, and I know I covered this a lot last time, description. I'll credit you to describing the Digimon, albeit sparsely, but you have done very little elsewhere, you don't describe how the combatants react to each others attacks during the fight, you don't describe how the human characters look, and you don't describe how environments look. Pretty much all I know about the 'destination' our protagonists went to is that there is a snake thing and a tree there, the latter having no reason to exist other than to be destroyed. The lack of description in the fight scene makes it seem less like a real fight and more like a turn based "Protomon used VOLCANIC STRIKE; it was super effective!" type battle. If you have any more fights, I suggest some more in depth description so it doesn't fall flat on its face.

Fourth, this will focus an aspect of the speech that I haven't already covered; the gratuitous amounts of ALL CAPS during the fight. I could maybe understand this if you were only using the word 'said' to describe how characters are speaking, and this would've been covered in my second point, but instead you are using an amount of different verbs to describe how people say things, so I don't see why you need to have speech in all caps when you've already established that someone is yelling or shouting. You should never put any speech in all caps, even if they're shouting. If you want to emphasise a word, use bold or italics, all caps are not necessary for anything other than quoting "DANGER" signs.

And finally, just to remind you, if you don't take any of this on board, if your next chapter is a block of unreadable text which repeats phrases over and over, seems to be hanging in white space due to lack of description and has people speaking in all caps, I will tear your second chapter to pieces, much like I did to Eric Daimon.

Good day.
 
Fucking Christ. Will this shit ever end?

No seriously, that chapter is just one block of text. I honestly hope you didn't forget your enter key.
 
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