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Evil Overlord List

Slartibartfast

Slartibartfast

The word 'Nerd' is a compliment.
Rules for Evil Overlords

A very humorous list of mistakes not to make as an evil overlord. Examples:

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

and over 100 more.
 
Old, but it's a classic and always worth bringing into the lives of those who have not yet been introduced to it.

I must say I'm still rather fond of the one about the clear plexiglas visors. Maybe partly just because the fact it's the very first item on the list makes it seem more important than it should be.
 
My favourite:
142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
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Classic.

And yes, turbler, the full page also contains a list of rules for heroes, as well as damsels, sidekicks, evil minions, evil scientists, rebels, etc. None of them are as good as the Evil Overlord List, but let me see if I can get that page.

EDIT: Well, that was quick. Here it is. There's also a third extension on the Evil Overlord List (the original went to only 100).

"158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad."

and this one

"220. If I have a single vulnerability, I will fake a different one -- for example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

are the best things ever
 
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
Duh...
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
LOL
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
Good Idea, shame, means Bossk is out of the picture...
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
Doofenshmirtz should read this one...
113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
Yeah...
118. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
Stupid levers...

Anyways, lolpage!
 
"Oh, Perry the Platapus, how unexpected. And by unexpected I MEAN COMPLETELY EXPECTED!!"

"What are you doing Perry the Platapus? You're not turning the reverse switch are you? Why do I even put those things on my inventions anyways?"

"Why does someone keep finding my self-destruct button?"

"Curse you Perry the Platapus!!"
 
Ha, I Stumbled this a while back =) Had a few laughs.

On a vaguely related note (in that it's about evil overlords and that I Stumbled it once) I may as well contribute this.

EDIT: Oh, my one was actually shorter =D It only went up to 100, but they look to be the same upto there. See, the 100th one on THIS list starts with "Finally,".
 
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hahahaha, I remember this.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
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^ Those are awesome. xD
 
140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

xD

Those were brilliant, I should check out the others too..
 
Ah, this again. It's a classic, and even a rough guide for those seeking to subvert standard villain conventions.

However, some of the items on the list could be harmful to the story. If a baddie easily defeats a hero, there's no drama or suspense in that, and the more "regular Joe" audiences would be disappointed.


48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
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Others, like the clear visor one and the above quote, give the villain a more realistic and intelligent image while not taking away from the story. Due to that, my favorite items on the list are the ones that would make the bad guy more challenging to take down, but not downright impossible to defeat.
 
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Can we do quotes form the Hero list as well? If so:

30. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.

42. If she doesn't already know, I shall train my True Love in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield she can slam her heel between his legs.

43. Likewise, if she doesn't already know, I shall train my True love in the art of armed combat, to the extent that her natural talents allow.

44. If through skill or luck I defeat a better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons.

52. I will wear different outfits from day to day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance.
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Haha, I've read this before. STILL HILARIOUS!
My favorite is this one:
The List said:
109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
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