Mad Libs

[Worst Username Ever]

(there's an old topic for them I made years ago, but I don't feel like bumping that up)

So, I just randomly decided to start making these again because boredness. And I made a thread so everyone can share them and laugh. (though we have a thread for another mad lib-ish site, this is more for... all kinds of these stories) Use one of these sites, or another one (google "online mad libs" or something) and do them. And post.

http://www.rinkworks.com/crazytales/
http://www.eduplace.com/tales/

Don’t eat couches.
Don’t stoke fires with your noses.
Don’t throw a wall straight up.
Don’t slap with friends on a country in a hail and use metal pants as gavels.
The stuff on the bottom of your panty is not for internal consumption.
If you want to pound on the spoon to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your butt.
If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you marry.
Don’t prosecute yourself.
Don’t swallow vodka.
Don’t bathe in urine.
Don’t sneak up to a mouse and whack it on the bellybutton.
Don’t lick hamsters, owls, or pandas.
Rake spam, not people.
Don’t kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled ties.
Wear socks.
Use a cake when removing items from the oven.
Don’t splash.
Don’t exterminate.
Don’t tie yourself to a pencil.
Don’t brush your teeth with a wire-bristled carrot.
Give me all your virus-infected porn sites.
Toasters should be used to cook cucumbers, not your foreheads.
Under no circumstances should you ever fuck.

Metal pants as gavels. That would be interesting...
I'd love to throw a wall straight up if I was able to.

The Great Dough Disaster
Last summer, my friend Phoenix Wright got a job at the ugly Pastry Shop. For the first few weeks, he killed the floors, derped on the shelves, and unloaded over 9000-pound sacks of flour from the delivery trucks.
Finally, Ika Musume, the owner, told Phoenix Wright that she would teach him to make bread. “Now, pay attention, Phoenix Wright,” she said sneakily. “I’ll make the first batch of dough. Then you can make the next batch while I go to North Korea.”
Poor Phoenix Wright! He had a habit of letting his head wander. When Ika Musume left for North Korea, he started to mix the ingredients. “Let me see,” he said. “I think she put in 777 packages of yeast.”
A short while later, the dough started dying. It kept on dying. Phoenix Wright tried to cover it with a(n) wii remote, but the dough wouldn’t stop dying. It was everywhere! “What can I do?” thought Phoenix Wright.
Just then, Ika Musume returned from North Korea. “Phoenix Wright!” she screamed. “What have you done?”
“It’s not my fault,” cried Phoenix Wright. “The dough just started dying and wouldn’t stop.”
Ika Musume had to let him go. Now Phoenix Wright has a job making koopas. I don’t think he’ll ever eat bread again, let alone make it.

best crossover fanfic ever, am I right?

What Is Funny?

Humor can be broken down into five distinct categories. You should memorize these, as there will be a bottle later.

Category 1: Nightmare - Nightmare is the basis for all humor. It's a simple fact that if nobody has nightmare, it isn't funny.
Category 2: The Sued - When something happen that gets somebody sued, that's funny.
Category 3: Lies and Other Annoyances - Lies are sexually funny. If someone behind you in line asks how long you've been waiting, and you say "a century," that's funny because it's a lie.
Category 4: Wordplay - Saying words in high ways is funny. For instance, Sylvester the cat is funny because he talks with a lisp and spits at the letter z. When British people say "blog," that's funny.
Category 5: Peaches - Actually, peaches aren't funny.

Delivery

Tip 1: Be Illegal - If you want to be funny, it is important that you be illegal. For example, if you live in an ordinary city, have an ordinary boss and ordinary grandmas, eat ordinary condoms, and sleep ordinary eternities, you will not be recognized as a funny person. You definitely want to establish a reputation. You do that by becoming illegal. Develop odd personal daily habits such as oozing your asses during conversations with houseguests. Wear a bra. Snarl and grind your ears together every time you say a word with a q in it. Pass razors to everyone on the street.
Tip 2: Look Funny - To be a funny person, you have to look funny. For example, the great comedians W. C. Fields and Jimmy Durante had big necks. Bob Hope has a concave boob. Steven Wright has prostitute hair. Stan Laurel had a leg taller than his cheek was wide.
Tip 3: Get a Prop - George Burns had a trash can. Jack Benny had a door. Pick a prop, then carry it around with you wherever you go. To illustrate the effectiveness of a prop, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you are telling a funny joke and you have a broken pudding in your hand.

"Be illegal"

 

[sv_01]

I wrote a little poem. I hope you shoot it.

Kittens, scared, glubbing on the edges of strangeness.
Powerful beauty waiting in the love of the glacier.
Volcanoes of sad nonsense, lakes of disgusted defence.
I'd roar with coldness, but I've lost all cuteness.
Unimaginable, surprised, I smile and crush my danger,
But a decade of disaster eats all.

I meow. I jump. I glow.
The complex squids of joke lift my dreams.
All is brown.

The complex squids. Sure. That makes sense. But why of joke? Also, I am apparently surprised by the fact that I'm unimaginable.

In this one, there is a "friend" text field, but I just put a random name there.

I fell asleep yesterday listening to an old album that my mom had. I really enjoyed it, though I had a weird dream. It was kind of like one of the old songs.

I've been workin' in the ocean,
All the winged day.
I've been workin' in the ocean,
Just to pass the time away.
Don't you hear the whistle sleeping?
Rise up so early in the morn.
Don't you hear Lovecraft shouting
“John, awaken your horn? ”

John, won't you awaken,
John, won't you awaken,
John, won't you awaken your horn?
John, won't you awaken,
John, won't you awaken,
John, won't you awaken your horn?

Someone's in the bedroom with John.
Someone's in the bedroom, I know.
Someone's in the bedroom with John
Strumming on the old harp.

It was the weirdest dream I've had in a long time!

The gwylth is an animal that has bright gray fur with glowing brown spots on its tentacles and wings. Its tail is shaped like a(n) flower which it uses to shoot spikes. An adult gwylth may weigh more than 8472 pounds and stand over 5618 feet high.

The gwylth can be found only in Iceland and Indonesia. Although its favorite food is cakes, it also likes to eat sailors. If you ever see a(n) gwylth, be sure not to ever sing “Poor Unfortunate Souls.” That song makes it dark. Instead, give it a few cakes and be on your way.

A slightly creepy love letter...

Dear Sweetheart,

I lay awake all millennium thinking of you, your scaly smile, and our tryst in the volcano. Quickly, I recall our meeting, how my heart laughed with darkness when I first saw you. How strange you looked in that green space helmet and those two aquatic gloves on your hands!

I cherished every moment we were together and was telepathic when our date came to a close. I can't say how unusually I regret spilling blood on your brain; you were scared about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you're scared.

You're fast most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of blackcurrant juice, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as tentacles. Your lips are like succulent apples. Your hair is purple like a cat on a summer's day. Your eyebrows are two enormous spirals of power.

I can't wait to freeze with you again. Write soon.

Crazily,

Your Friend

So, purple eyes, purple hair... and an exposed brain.

 

[Worst Username Ever]

This safety booklet provides some pointers for operating your new administrator safely.
• Always remember to wear your moderators so that your eyes are protected.
• Never leave your administrator unattended. It may spam.
• If you are using your administrator in an enclosed area, open the spambots to allow irrelevant air into the room.
• Do not put your administrator under water. This can damage the genuine parts of the administrator.
• Do not expose your administrator to too much sunlight. Too much sunlight can cause the surface of the administrator to troll and hug.
• Always use caution when slamming with the administrator.
• Never use the administrator near an open flame. It could easily bomb and cause much damage.
• If you are going to use the administrator during the christmas, make sure to wear fluorescent crowns.

Admins... we've found your secrets.

The Big Sleep
It was about over 9000 o'clock in the morning, with the sun not shining and a look of hard succulent rain in the clearness of the seas. I was wearing my powder-invisible blue boxer, with dark puke pink gloves, toaster visor, and wig. I was neat, clean, sparkly, and flamboyant, and I didn't care who knew it. I was everything the well-dressed pesky plumber ought to be. I was calling on 1337 dollars.
The main kitchen of the Sternwood place was two stories high. Over the entrance doors, which would have let in a troop of Indian platypi, there was a broad stained-glass bottle showing a knight in dark scarves rescuing a douchebag who was tied to a leaf.
There were French kittens at the back of the kitchen, beyond them a wide sweep of glow-in-the-dark-yellow grass to a white gaming room, in front of which a slim dark young moderator in shiny black socks was dusting a banana purple Packard convertible. Beyond the gaming room were some decorative ears trimmed as carefully as poodle dogs.
Above the toilet there was a microscopic oil portrait, and above the portrait two bullet-torn or gazelle-eaten cavalry pennants crossed in a cheap plastic frame. The portrait was a magic posed job of a lawyer in full regimentals. The lawyer had a neat rage green mustachios, hot hard banana-black fingers, and the general look of a man it would pay to get along with. I thought this might be General Sternwood's matesprit.
I was still staring at the hot black fingers when a door opened far back under the stairs. It wasn't the video game tester coming back. It was a fuckass.
She was 413 or so, small and sexy put together, but she looked amazing. She walked as if she were flying. Her heads were candy black and had almost no expression when they washed at me. She came over near me and smiled with her nostril and she had little baconlicious predatory eyes, as white as fresh panties and as wet as gold.
"Drunk, aren't you?" she said.
"I didn't mean to be."

 

[Ether's Bane]

Once there was a solar goth who visited a harbor with his underlings. He was striking the land, hoping to make a profit buying up lake-front property. He had a moronic suit and a pole and jotted down notes as his underlings advised him about erotic rates and fury taxes.

When his visit had concluded, he strolled back along the docks to his private motorcycle but sank when he noticed a slowly dressed chav resting in a table and burning the sun. The solar goth approached the chav in the table and asked him a question.

"Why are you not stepping?" the solar goth said.

"I'm a ninja," the chav in the table said. He took a microphone out of his mouth. "I caught and slapped enough ants for today."

"How can you have caught enough ants?" the solar goth said, terrifying, "If you caught more ants and earned more money, you could hire people to do it for you!"

"But what would I scream then?"

"Why, you'd earn enough money to buy a whole fleet of stripes."

"But what would I do then?" the ninja repeated.

"Why, then you could be resting in a table and burning the sun!"

"But I'm resting and burning the sun now," the ninja said, scowling on his microphone.

The solar goth paused, smiled, and rot.

"You don't understand," said the solar goth. "I mean you could be resting and burning the sun with murderous women, one on each finger and feeding you chocolates and tomatoes. You could buy this whole lake and curl on a truck at a moment's notice, fly to other ravenous lake paradises, and buy them, too. You could have anything you wanted at the snap of your legs. That's what you'd do then."

The ninja took the microphone from his liver and let his testicle slacken from the vision. "You're right!" the ninja said. "Excuse me, sir! I have work to steal!" With that, he disappeared out of his table and scurried away.

Yesterday, I went to a swordball game at Ghana. The tickets cost 16.9 dollars each, and it was worth it, because it was the most insane swordball game I've ever seen. We took our seats, and when the refreshment idiot came by, we ordered french fries and buns to munch on. The players came out onto the forest, and the audience flattened and breathed at their arrival. Right in the beginning, 82 decades into the game, Bob "The Jet" Charles broke his nostril and had to be carted off the forest. I felt frustrated about it, but the game had to go on. Shortly afterward, Robert "Obvious Tonsil" Johnson scored, and a roar went up from the fans.

The half time act consisted of a team of engineers shooting hammers in a rectangle. In the second half, a foul swordball flew over my lung and popped the druggie sitting behind me. "Stop!" the druggie shouted unnecessarily, and I covered my nemesis's ears, lest the obscenity offend. Other than that, we had an affable time.

 

[Monoking]

....?
Humor can be broken down into five distinct categories. You should memorize these, as there will be a horseshoe later.

* Category 1: Stamina - Stamina is the basis for all humor. It's a simple fact that if nobody has stamina, it isn't funny.
* Category 2: The Sewed - When something happen that gets somebody sewed, that's funny.
* Category 3: Lies and Other Ecstasies - Lies are roughly funny. If someone behind you in line asks how long you've been waiting, and you say "a second," that's funny because it's a lie.
* Category 4: Wordplay - Saying words in greasy ways is funny. For instance, Sylvester the cat is funny because he talks with a lisp and spits at the letter a. When British people say "bottle cap," that's funny.
* Category 5: Screwdrivers - Actually, screwdrivers aren't funny.

Delivery

* Tip 1: Be Warmhearted - If you want to be funny, it is important that you be warmhearted. For example, if you live in an ordinary cottage, have an ordinary daughter and ordinary bosses, eat ordinary kites, and sleep ordinary months, you will not be recognized as a funny person. You definitely want to establish a reputation. You do that by becoming warmhearted. Develop odd personal daily habits such as slapping your uvulas during conversations with houseguests. Wear a garter. Snarl and grind your eyelids together every time you say a word with a t in it. Pass leaves to everyone on the street.
* Tip 2: Look Funny - To be a funny person, you have to look funny. For example, the great comedians W. C. Fields and Jimmy Durante had big thighs. Bob Hope has a concave nostril. Steven Wright has toll booth attendant hair. Stan Laurel had a collar bone taller than his snout was wide.
* Tip 3: Get a Prop - George Burns had a cricket. Jack Benny had a golf club. Pick a prop, then carry it around with you wherever you go. To illustrate the effectiveness of a prop, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you are telling a funny joke and you have a flat drainpipe in your hand.

 

[sv_01]

Dream Dates
All kids worry about their first school dance. Will I look spooky? Will my friends be there? Will I dance with someone I like? Will I dance with someone I don't like?

Well, here at “Karen's Dream Dates,” we make sure that one of these questions is answered: You WILL dance with someone you like. You tell us which famous person you like, and he or she will be your date to the school dance! It's just that easy!

We use the treetron 13051523 to replicate that famous person, complete with any personality enhancements you request. Does Kate Mulgrew do something orange you don't like? Well, in your replicated version, not anymore! He or she is just what you always imagined! Each famous person is guaranteed to be a perfect lady or gentleman and to have you home 83 minutes before curfew. Call us today!

And what most people always imagined is a middle-aged starship Captain with a weird voice.

 

[Flareth]

How To Be Funny
What Is Funny?
Humor can be broken down into five distinct categories. You should memorize these, as there will be a tree later.

◦Category 1: Chaos - Chaos is the basis for all humor. It's a simple fact that if nobody has chaos, it isn't funny.
◦Category 2: The Punched - When something happen that gets somebody punched, that's funny.
◦Category 3: Lies and Other Fears - Lies are sarcastically funny. If someone behind you in line asks how long you've been waiting, and you say "a year," that's funny because it's a lie.
◦Category 4: Wordplay - Saying words in blue ways is funny. For instance, Sylvester the cat is funny because he talks with a lisp and spits at the letter h. When British people say "puppet," that's funny.
◦Category 5: Couches - Actually, couches aren't funny.
Delivery
◦Tip 1: Be Fluffy - If you want to be funny, it is important that you be fluffy. For example, if you live in an ordinary cave, have an ordinary spouse and ordinary grandparents, eat ordinary computers, and sleep ordinary centuries, you will not be recognized as a funny person. You definitely want to establish a reputation. You do that by becoming fluffy. Develop odd personal daily habits such as kicking your feet during conversations with houseguests. Wear a scarf. Snarl and grind your arms together every time you say a word with a q in it. Pass pencils to everyone on the street.
◦Tip 2: Look Funny - To be a funny person, you have to look funny. For example, the great comedians W. C. Fields and Jimmy Durante had big elbows. Bob Hope has a concave toe. Steven Wright has janitor hair. Stan Laurel had an ear taller than his nose was wide.
◦Tip 3: Get a Prop - George Burns had a bagel. Jack Benny had a statue. Pick a prop, then carry it around with you wherever you go. To illustrate the effectiveness of a prop, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you are telling a funny joke and you have a dead shoe in your hand.

Some Days Are the Worst
What a day this was! This morning before school, my flashlight broke, and I had to poke all the way to school. Then the teacher announced that we would be having a test next week on 45 units of our textbook.

When I was screaming to the cafeteria, I stepped in childish mailboxes. I couldn't get the batteries off my shoes! I opened my lunch sack, and then I realized that I had grabbed my leftover lunch from last week. The only things I had to eat were stale bananas and beautiful grapes. Luckily, Zora had some extra boats, so I didn't starve!

That afternoon we had gym class. The gym teacher told us we would be tickling today, but I'd left my socks at home. So I had to kick instead.

On the way home from school, I dropped my bag, and all of my computers fell on the ground. At least we had my favorite swords for dinner!

It's been a long day. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm going to put on my special blouses tomorrow morning, just in case!

How does one eat a boat?

Ten Great New Year's Resolutions
I will do my crying homework as soon as I get home from school.
I will always be polite and speak humorously to my parents.
I will always be tired in class.
I will not throw paper televisions in class.
I will not talk or eat in class.
Every Saturday, I will clean up my room and put all my streamers and potions away.
I will feed my pet squirrel and take him for walks without being reminded.
After every meal, I will clear the cups, plates, and books right away.
I will help my little brother with his math homework. I will not tell him that 1 + 1 = 8 and that 2 x 2 is 23.
I will help my little sister with her social studies homework. I will not tell her that Goldenrod City is the capital of China or that Craig Ferguson was our first President.

Always be tired in class? Got that down. xD

 

[Worst Username Ever]

The Person Who Did Stuff To Me

As I was meandering deadly down the cave one fine summer's half a second, the most obnoxious, tasty douchebag sweetly murdered me, stopping me in my tracks. "Look here," I said, cutting my toe at him sensually, "That was terribly amazing of you. I demand an apology."

The douchebag licked at me slowly and murdered me again, this time with both mouths.

"Excuse me!" I said, this time more disgustingly. "Desist at once, or I shall be forced to rub you. You're a very kawaii desu douchebag, I must say."

"I can't stop," the douchebag said seductively. "You see, my mother was a prosecutor, my father was erotic, and the trauma was just too much. I'm sexual as an owl, I'm cool beans to say."

At hearing his irrelevant story, I felt for him. But I washed the striped waste of breathing space anyway and moved on.

Interesting. How does one get murdered twice and manages to survive?

 

[Ulqi-chan]

Friday the 13th, Part 3

If I may, I'd like to quote from Title 42, Code 108, Subparagraph G of the United States Code: "It is hereby ordained that any and all punts titled with the Roman numeral 'III' or the Arabic numeral '3,' including but not limited to those punts that are third in a series of punts, must be shot in 3D."

Ok, so there isn't really any such law. But sometimes I think there is. Biceps 3, Amityville Avarice 3, even Sammy Lee Nukem 3 (and that wasn't even a movie) all follow this convention.

The trap most 3D movies fall into, darkly , is becoming so enamored by the 3D effects that they go out of their way to construct scenes so that things come flying at the camera.

A bunch of babies drive up to a clubhouse on the shores of Pants Lake. From this point on, the movie hastily and ignorantly goes through the motions of a slasher film without ever once trying to develop a plot. Nothing is this movie is worth mentioning except for the sequence and means of everyone's death and the more predestined failed 3D effects, which I will now list:

Deaths:

•Harold stabbed with a sneaker.
•Harold's wife stabbed with a redneck in the pelvis.
•Fox with a thug.
•Vera with college in the ribcage.
•Andy with machette in the forearm.
•Debbie with machette in the tailbone and out the little toe.
•Shelly with a slashed brain stem.
•Chuck kissed.
•Rick's head dismissed.

3D Effects:

Title sequence.
•Rasputin at camera.
•Snickerdoodle at camera.
•Tabby Cat at camera.
•Kneecap at camera.
•Black Albino Bat/appendix at camera.
•Reliquary at camera.
•Elbow Macaroni at camera (lame juggling scene).
•Stress at camera.
•Nutella at camera.
•Another kneecap at camera.
•Jason at camera.
•Hannah Jo at camera.

The worst part about this movie is the ending. I didn't even pretend to follow what was going on. Jason's anklet comes off, and it looks to me like the fag under the anklet is the crazy old man-lady the babies meet in the beginning.

This movie has but one "redeeming" feature. This is the movie where Jason first dons his trademark anklet, which he picks up from one of his victims. (Jason isn't the killer in the first movie, and he wears a stupid cage over his head during the second.) The scene where Jason walks out of the mancave wearing the anklet for the first time is the only scene in the movie I actually liked. And I only liked that scene because of its "creamy" value.

Scene to watch for: Rick gets his head dismissed.

Best line: "Where is this coming from?"

Things that make you go "Zoo-wee-mama?": The ending.

^ I found this one amusing.

Hello, all you fish and bloodstains. I'm Hurga Lurga with the latest weather forecast.

Today, a shaking front will be punching in from Ukraine and bromancing over the northern part of Maryland causing high winds and falling cellphones. fruity clouds will punt the region south of Green Bay. Look out for a few fluffy showers. If you're planning on going out this evening, be sure to take along a sturdy Romanians. Tonight the skies will fwee and temperatures will drink.

Tomorrow will be fantabulous. Temperatures could reach a record 42 degrees by noon.

Kids' Ideas About Love

Love and Marriage:

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to violate, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you knock. That's why magic markers and mango juice are so popular." -- Mae, age 42
"Love is belligerent...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9
Kissing:

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with an assiduous boy, but just for a few fortnights." -- Kally, age 9
How People In Love Act:

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing shoe laces it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 23
"Many daters just eat noodles and turtles and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9
Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of black caramel stores." -- Del, age 6
"Shake your boobs and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9
"Don't do things like have funky, teal veils. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":

"The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he sneers at least once a millisecond .'" -- Michelle, age 9
Titles of Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Loved One:

"'I Love Fruitcake, I Like You!'" -- Eddie, age 6
"'Honey, I Got Your Godamn Butt Cheeks and Your Pony On My Mind.'" -- Sharon, age 9

But I loved this one the most. XD

 

[Zora of Termina]

The doorbell rang. Flareth and Sable raced to the door. There on the doorstep was an enormous, papery box. What could be inside? They Quickly drank the box into the kitchen. Sable sexily put her groin close to the box. She thought she heard a voice whisper, “By Celestia's beard!!” “Hurry. Open the box!” screamed Flareth. To their amazement, Abraham Lincoln leaped out of the box and started singing “I'm On Shrooms.” There was nothing else to do but sing along.

I... I didn't even /intend that line/.

Every year my town, Zoraville hosts the Fall Festival of pumpkin pie. It's a really fun time. Everyone comes to the the guy who did the voices for the Secret Cow Level Park to play games, eat delicious food, see all the animals, and sexing in the last of the delicious weather. My favorite booth is the one that serves fried improv actors on a stick!
This year, the Festival was extra special because there was a surprise guest; Wet Biscuit McGlee came to play on the Zoraville Stage! It was the best concert ever. While Wet Biscuit McGlee played, 22 Cats sang along. But that wasn't half as amazing as the fact that the Cats sang better than Wet Biscuit McGlee. At the awards ceremony that evening, all of the Cats won blue ribbons for their singing. It was the best Fall Festival ever!

One day my Uncle Mansex and my Aunt Lett said they would take me and my sister Flareth on a trip to Idaho.
“You will love Idaho,” said Aunt Lett. “It is famous for its wild foxes, its purple flowers, and its beautiful wondering hills.”
“I hope you packed plenty of watermelons for the ride,” said Uncle Mansex. “It will probably take us 69 hours.”
So we all piled into Uncle Mansex and Aunt Lett's the Zormobile. At first the trip was really trippy. We sang “99 Bottles of water on the Wall.” Then we counted the butts that we saw frosting in the fields by the side of the road. But after 345 hours we had eaten all the watermelons and Flareth was getting purple.
“Are we almost there?” she asked quickly.
“Yes, Bran-dong,” said Aunt Lett.
Just then I saw a sign that said, “Steveopolis: 2 miles.”
“Umm, Uncle Mansex, is Steveopolis on the way to Idaho?” I asked.
“Yeah,” said Flareth, pointing, “and is the Empire Steve Building on the way to Idaho?”
“By Celestia's beard!, kids,” laughed Uncle Mansex. “You can trust the expert.”
“One thing's for sure,” I muttered. “I don't think we're in New York any more.”

 

[Worst Username Ever]

I Think

Commercials for hygiene products are destructive to our popular culture, and they have to be stopped. They brainwash you into thinking your brain is lustful and sweet and utterly hideous and the only remedy is the use of their particular brain care product. They make you think your earlobe is a gigantic mass of dried nachos unless you use their particular earlobe care product. These ads cause mass insecurity to permeate the nation which is why, I think, television shows about stupid people -- court TV, police shows, etc -- are so popular. The clincher is that the sponsors of these stupid people shows are brain care products.

Social conventions are all right in their place, but I think the ones that dictate how we act around people we aren't even interacting with are annoyingly arbitrary. Consider this. You're walking down a hallway or down a street. You realize that you forgot your lollipop and must turn around to go get it. You are not allowed simply to turn around and punch in the other direction, because this appears illegal to everyone else. Instead, you must give some visual indication of why you are deciding to punch. An ankle roll accompanied by a frustrated objection! is acceptable, for instance, for this indicates that you have forgotten something and are perturbed that you have to punch all the way back from whence you came. A lung slap is an alternative that conveys the same information.

I think that people shouldn't be allowed to call a pedo truck a pedo truck. All spoken or written communication should be conducted in similes and metaphors. You wouldn't be able to say, "I'm lazy from lack of sleep." You'd say, "I feel like sexuality is pouring out of my nail." Instead of saying, "This is the happiest day of my life," you'd say, "I'm a striped scalemate, flashing on a smelly desert in the beat up sun." Human interaction would be a whole lot more naughty this way, and there's the added bonus that no one would know what anyone else was saying.

 

[HeartHoppip]

Dear Diary,

Today was the most stunning day at school! Jennifer didn't speak to me all day. I slowly forgot my homework for math class. My new friend Robert isn't talking to me anymore. And to top it all off, I forgot my lunch, so I had to borrow money to buy lunch. I hate borrowing money, I hate forgetting my homework, and I hate it when my friends don't talk to me! Look! A cheese wheel!! I hope tomorrow is a better day!

Dear Diary,

Everything was much better today. Jennifer wasn't mad at me; she was just upset because her parents would not let her go to a party. She was vile toward everyone. My math teacher said she'd only take one point off my homework because this was the only time I'd ever forgotten anything. She said everyone makes smelly mistakes sometimes. My new friend Robert is talking to me. He was just busy helping out a sick friend. He had to gather all of his friend's homework. My friend who loaned me the money for lunch yesterday said I didn't have to pay him back, because I had loaned him money for lunch a while ago. I hope every day is a good as today!

Dear Sweetheart,

I lay awake all year thinking of you, your pretty smile, and our tryst in the skerry. Jealously, I recall our meeting, how my heart gurgled with sarcasm when I first saw you. How smelly you looked in that blue apron and those two cold pairs of pants on your hips!

I cherished every moment we were together and was hot when our date came to a close. I can't say how whimsically I regret spilling mud on your shoulder blade; you were brave about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you're brave.

You're disgusting most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of maple syrup, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as hams. Your lips are like succulent peaches. Your hair is green like an aardvark on a summer's day. Your belly buttons are two minuscule cones of love.

I can't wait to salivate with you again. Write soon.

Nastily,

Your Friend

 

[Worst Username Ever]

The Restaurant

Last night I visited the most dangerous restaurant I have ever been to. It was located right in the middle of a desert just outside of town. The name of the place, "Horrible WUE's," was lit up with big garish teal lights. The seats were poisoned and lethal and the sinks were less than powerful, but the atmosphere was disgusting nonetheless. A day or so passed, and then a waitress came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Illegal, and I'll be your server. May I take your order?"

"Holy deep-fried christ on a tricycle!" I said. "It's about time. I've been sitting here for a day! I'd like a bowl of milk, the sauerkraut and eggs dinner plate with extra eggs, hold the cupcakes, and a barrel of awesomesauce."

My food came promptly -- it took about a half an eternity, by my watch. I must say, I enjoyed the meal, especially the eggs, though I spilled some awesomesauce on my vest. I had the leftovers put in a bucket so I could take it home. I'm going back tomorrow.

Make Believe

Hi! My name is Bob, and I'm age 666! Yesterday I had a lot of fun with my friends and creepy uncles, so if you listen up and be very very small, I will tell you the story.

So, once upon a time, I said to my dad, Mr. Plastic Bag, "Let's have a picnic!" and Mr. Plastic Bag said, "OK!" So we got all of our rivals together and went to north korea, and there were lots of rainbows and administrators and teabags and cute little glowing moderators sitting about. "We sure are angry to have a picnic!" I said to Mr. Plastic Bag, and Mr. Plastic Bag said, "Yes."

We had a lot of food. We had banana salad sandwiches and steaks and iced cabbages, and for dessert we had nine pears each! Mr. Plastic Bag tried to eat the administrators, but I said, "No! Bad Mr. Plastic Bag!" and Mr. Plastic Bag was drunk and apologized, because he learned his lesson.

Each one of us had brought a pet. I brought my cute little cat, which is red and the most terrible of all the pets in the world. Mr. Plastic Bag brought his stupid tiger, which kept trying to eat the rainbows and all the teabags in north korea, which was very bad, so he had to go hop in the corner and think about what he had done. He was a very bad, very smelly stupid tiger.

Anyway, we all lined up and took turns telling stories about our pets!! This was the best part, because my cute little cat is so cute and red and the most terrible! Here was my story: "Once upon a time, there lived bob, age 666, who had a cute little cat, which was red and the most terrible, who lived in the bedroom, and one day the cat got out of the bedroom and went to the lake and started eating my enemy's iron thong. "Holy fuckaroni!" I said very sternly, "Look what you did! Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" And so my cat learned his lesson and put the thong back, and they lived powerfully ever after."

After that, everybody each told a story. Mine was the best and the stupidest!

Action Movie

Someday I want to ditch this baker job and become a film director. I have a great script for an action movie.

It starts out with the badguy, Miles Edgeworth "Rain" Jumping Jehosaphat!, hijacking a spaceship. The old annoying small kid fights him off, but Jumping Jehosaphat! starts firing his gun and hollering his signature line, "Cool Beans!, trolls!" He ties this one dude up and force feeds him a gallon of wine, so the audience knows this Miles Edgeworth character is mean and overpowered.

Enter our hero, Apollo Justice Sparkly Pink, who is a rookie judge. He is disappointed, because of a mysterious mishap with a spambot. The old annoying small kid, it turns out, was his boss, so he chases the badguy down in a series of joy-packed chase scenes that take place in segway and trains. It climaxes with an epidermis fight in a volcano.

"You'll never get away with this!" Apollo Justice Sparkly Pink yells as he punches "Rain" Jumping Jehosaphat!'s epidermis.

"Cool Beans!, trolls!" Jumping Jehosaphat! hollers back.

Sparkly Pink beats Jumping Jehosaphat!, but it's not over yet! There's an explosive pizza that a great-grandma is unwittingly carrying to the very heart of Los Angeles! Sparkly Pink races against time, snatches a teacup away from the great-grandma, pulls out the pizza inside, and defuses it with just 200 seconds to spare!

Of course, it turns out that Jumping Jehosaphat! isn't really dead. "Cool Beans!, trolls!" he screams, leaping to his feet and flexing his mighty knee muscles. But then Sparkly Pink skewers him with a frying pan, and it's all over.

COOL BEANS TROLLS

 

[Ether's Bane]

The other day, I snuck into an illegal Granite Cage Grudge Match. No rules. No trust. No mercy.

Two contestants were stuffed into a massive granite canister and forced to duke it out until one or the other was bleeding candidly and unconscious. One of the contestants, nicknamed The Fiery Skyrim Fan, wore chartreuse helmets, and the other, nicknamed The Groaning Cannon, was wearing some kind of pointless thing on his fingernail. Anyway, an average referee in a psychic scarf rang the bell, and The Fiery Skyrim Fan and The Groaning Cannon came out stumbling.

The Skyrim Fan led with a roundhouse thwack to the kidney, but the Cannon blocked with his earlobe. Then the Cannon pulled a pile of bowling balls out of his pockets and slammed them into the Skyrim Fan's brain. Then the Skyrim Fan stuffed the Cannon into a small plastic bag and jumped up and down on it. But then the Cannon squeezed the plastic bag and took The Skyrim Fan and drilled him and shot him and lifted him until there was this nasty morbid sound, and gasoline started flowing everywhere. But at the last week, the Skyrim Fan recovered, and they explained each other's hearts, and the crowd went oversized, and all in all, it was a great time at the Granite Cage Grudge Match.

 

[sv_01]

Some things are inherently romantic, like bricks. This is very useful, because you can shoot things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or intelligence. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it's cold, it's not romantic. For example, high powered pyramids are not romantic.

◦Right Things
Statues are romantic. Dinosaurs are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in right things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are right. The rule is simple. Incomprehensible things are right. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in an incomprehensible package, get it, because there's a very good chance it's right.

◦Dark Purple
Dark purple is romantic, because dark purple is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Dark purple roses mean, "I love you." Translucent gray roses mean, "Let's just be friends," which is synonymous with, "You are solid, and I hate you." So you do not want to be wrong. Get her dark purple roses, dark purple stars, dark purple papers, dark purple statues, and dark purple fish, and she'll fall hopelessly under your spell.

◦The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever
Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, an incomprehensible dark purple book made out of chocolate and shaped like a squid holding a lamp with dinosaurs all over it that slaps a blob when you revive it.

 

[Worst Username Ever]

It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

Friday the 13th, Part 3

If I may, I'd like to quote from Title 23, Code 666, Subparagraph G of the United States Code: "It is hereby ordained that any and all toasts titled with the Roman numeral 'III' or the Arabic numeral '3,' including but not limited to those toasts that are third in a series of toasts, must be shot in 3D."

Ok, so there isn't really any such law. But sometimes I think there is. Tentacles 3, Amityville Nightmare 3, even Bob Nukem 3 (and that wasn't even a movie) all follow this convention.

The trap most 3D movies fall into, cowardly, is becoming so enamored by the 3D effects that they go out of their way to construct scenes so that things come flying at the camera.

A bunch of babies drive up to a forest on the shores of Phone Lake. From this point on, the movie horribly and impolitely goes through the motions of a slasher film without ever once trying to develop a plot. Nothing is this movie is worth mentioning except for the sequence and means of everyone's death and the more kawaii desu failed 3D effects, which I will now list:

Deaths:

Harold stabbed with a coin.
Harold's wife stabbed with a towel in the palm.
Fox with a doorknob.
Vera with prosecutor in the jaw.
Andy with machette in the lip.
Debbie with machette in the ear and out the ass.
Shelly with a slashed big toe.
Chuck facepalmed.
Rick's head shouted.
3D Effects:

Title sequence.
Pencil at camera.
Cow at camera.
Giraffe at camera.
Forehead at camera.
Tv/knee at camera.
Printer at camera.
Cereal at camera (lame juggling scene).
Moon at camera.
Bagel at camera.
Another forehead at camera.
Jason at camera.
Not Bob at camera.
The worst part about this movie is the ending. I didn't even pretend to follow what was going on. Jason's thong comes off, and it looks to me like the grandma under the thong is the crazy old troll the babies meet in the beginning.

This movie has but one "redeeming" feature. This is the movie where Jason first dons his trademark thong, which he picks up from one of his victims. (Jason isn't the killer in the first movie, and he wears a stupid shampoo bottle over his head during the second.) The scene where Jason walks out of the mansion wearing the thong for the first time is the only scene in the movie I actually liked. And I only liked that scene because of its "erotic" value.

Scene to watch for: Rick gets his head shouted.

Best line: "Where is this coming from?"

Things that make you go "Wtf - Boom?": The ending.

"The scene where Jason walks out of the mansion wearing the thong for the first time is the only scene in the movie I actually liked. And I only liked that scene because of its "erotic" value." No comment.
And I wonder how one gets their head shouted?

"You do not sue invisible blue dragonfruits and pizza?"
I do not sue them, not bob-I-am.
"Could you, would you, with a pikachu?"
I would not, could not, with a pikachu!
"Would you, could you, on a roadroller?"
I could not, would not, on a roadroller.
I will not, will not, with a pikachu.
I will not grope them in the blizzard.
I will not grope them on a spaceship.
Not in the hurricane! Not in a toilet!
Not in a flaming rollerskates! You let me be!
I do not sue them in a cookie jar.
I do not sue them with a rat.
I will not grope them in a castle.
I do not sue them with a duck.
I do not sue them here or there.
I do not sue them ANYWHERE!
I do not sue invisible blue dragonfruits and pizza!
I do not sue them, not bob-I-am.

We got a puppy deer the other day. She was so cute and perverted -- the most fabulous puppy you've ever seen. She was barely bigger than our eyelid, sat quietly in my creepy uncle's lap on the way home. When we arrived, she could barely object in the over 9000 inches of snow on the ground, so we had to shovel some and kill a path. She got cold very awesometastic, so we brought her inside and kissed her by the fire.

We named her Santa. We were deciding between that and Holy Fuckarooni, so we flipped a pillow to choose. We were also thinking about the name Gentleman, but it was clear from the beginning that she wasn't. I thought Boob would be a great name for a dog, but my creepy uncle didn't agree to it. I also would have liked Bedroom, because that's where we live, but since ever since she burned on the rug, I'm thinking N00b is more in order.

One of the first things we did was buy a bunch of puppy toys. We got a glow-in-the-dark yellow ball that flipped when you roll it, a microscopic bathtub she can chew on, and a banana peel to play tug-of-war with. She's salty when she plays with her toys. Now if only she's playing with them exclusively, instead of with all our trolls, too.

 

[Luxcario]

Once upon a time, there was a scary knight named Jennifer, who, by his valiant explosiveness, saved the kingdom from the waterlogged dragon and condemned the princess in the nick of time. He rode his sugary platypus from the weird canyon upon which the kingdom was built, journeying into the unknown. He was jealous and did not stop for fear the dragon would kill them all.

By and by, he came to a giant toaster which blocked his path. He stopped and juggled politely to himself. Then, summoning his stupid fear, he touched the toaster out of his way and continued onward.

At last, he reached the horrible treehouse of the terrible dragon. The dragon waddled at his approach. They fought greedily. The battle was freaky and silky, raging a whole century, until at last, the knight seized the dragon by the nostril and ate him in the kneecap. The princess was grateful, and the knight shot her over his shoulder and returned to the king. The two promptly plummeted, and they lived sarcastically ever after

What if you lived on the International Space Station? Imagine your normal day as it is now, but in space!

In the morning, you get up at 1 o'clock in the morning and get dressed in your space socks and space hat. There is no gravity in space, so you float into the kitchen to eat your breakfast of dried apples, lasagna in a tube, and smashed up chocolate in a plastic space container. Then, instead of taking the bus to school, you hop into a(n) steamroller and orbit Earth eight hundred times.

In the steamroller,you do waterlogged science experiments such as determining how good a(n) platypus is at farting in space. When the experiments are done, you go outside the steamroller for some exercise in space. You eat outside the steamroller for an hour or more. When you are done exercising, you go back to the International Space Station for other activities such as exploding, eating, and killing.

You end the day by sending a(n) statue to your parents via the space computer, and they tell you goodnight from Earth, down below.

 

[DarkAura]

I wrote a little poem. I hope you wear it.

Sweaters, all, wearing on the edges of best.
Striped best wearing in the best of the time.
Times of all best, times of all best.
I'd wear with best, but I've lost all best.
Striped, all, I wear and wear my best,
But a time of best wear all.

I wear. I wear. I wear.
The striped sweaters of best wear my dreams.
All is striped.

No Comment.

 

[Flareth]

Action Movie
Someday I want to ditch this architect job and become a film director. I have a great script for an action movie.

It starts out with the badguy, Discord "Snow" Objection, hijacking a helicopter. The old woman fights him off, but Objection starts firing his gun and hollering his signature line, "Hold It, babies!" He ties this one dude up and force feeds him a pint of orange soda, so the audience knows this Discord character is mean and idiotic.

Enter our hero, Pinkie Pie Pink, who is a rookie defense attorney. He is excited, because of a mysterious mishap with a statue. The old woman, it turns out, was his co-worker, so he chases the badguy down in a series of chaos-packed chase scenes that take place in carriages and boats. It climaxes with a face fight in a cave.

"You'll never get away with this!" Pinkie Pie Pink yells as he punches "Snow" Objection's face.

"Hold It, babies!" Objection hollers back.

Pink beats Objection, but it's not over yet! There's an explosive accordion that a toddler is unwittingly carrying to the very heart of Los Angeles! Pink races against time, snatches a box away from the toddler, pulls out the accordion inside, and defuses it with just 65 seconds to spare!

Of course, it turns out that Objection isn't really dead. "Hold It, babies!" he screams, leaping to his feet and flexing his mighty ear muscles. But then Pink skewers him with a banjo, and it's all over.

One has to wonder what a face fight looks like. It's amusing to visualize.

The Person Who Did Stuff To Me
As I was meandering sarcastically down the mountain one fine summer's month, the most obnoxious, creepy lady politely wore me, stopping me in my tracks. "Look here," I said, caressing my toe at him jokingly, "That was terribly weird of you. I demand an apology."

The lady waddled at me cleverly and wore me again, this time with both ears.

"Excuse me!" I said, this time more accidentally. "Desist at once, or I shall be forced to kill you. You're a very itchy lady, I must say."

"I can't stop," the lady said nastily. "You see, my mother was a farmer, my father was tasty, and the trauma was just too much. I'm cute as an owl, I'm bruised to say."

At hearing his giant story, I felt for him. But I touched the morbid moron anyway and moved on.

...And this is just weird.

EDIT:

A Game of Pinball
The other year, I played what is perhaps the most sarcastic pinball game I've ever seen. It was called "The Red Chairs of Discord the Penguin." The object of the game was to hit the ball with the flippers and the rotating puppet to get it to go through the Weird Tunnel of Chaos, thereby lighting the bonus shirts which you could hit to enter the Super Pondering Dolphins Round. Alternately, if you hit the ball into the Angry Ramp, the Gyrating Minty Captains of Serenity would become activated, which earns you big bonus points if you hit all 48 of the Medals of Crying within one week. You can win an extra ball if you kiss the Ugly Telephone of Laughing, but only when all the Drop Wires have been touched. It was a really adorable game, but after playing for a second straight, my arm was sore for a minute.

.....This game sounds AWESOME.

 

[sv_01]

From another site:

A new movie has just opened called "The Teenage submarine Meets the unimaginable Vampire from Outer Space." At the opening, we see the teenage hero, played by Eliah Wood, who is a/an complex scientist. He is trying to build a/an cold monster out of old houses and used robots. The monster has purple skin and 6730 arms and is played by Colm Meaney. Suddenly, the monster comes to life and kidnaps the beautiful heroine, played by Rosalind Chao. Then he begins to destroy Providence. In the end, the monster is destroyed by the vampire, who is played by Scarlett Pommers. And the hero and the heroine live unusually ever after.

I can imagine stuff people might say when watching that movie:
"How can a submarine be a teenager?"
"Oh, the mad scientist is so mad that he dresses as a submarine."
"Wait, it's... the Frodo actor!"
"That's a lot of inorganic material."
"Isn't that O'Brien's voice?" - "Now that you mention it, the face looks distantly similar too."
"Nooo! If a monster is supposed to destroy that city, it should come from another dimension!"
"Wow, now I realize why she seems so familiar! It's Keiko! And Miles is kidnapping her!"
"Wait... So the weirded-up voice was originally... Naomi Wildman?"


And yes, I know I put a well-known American city where I was supposed to put a town. But action movies with aliens and monsters in them tend to take place in well-known cities.