Tarnished Scars {PREVIEW}

[surskitty]

Well, books that you wouldn't expect to be about writing less than needed.

What? Why would there not be books on writing concisely? And you're not writing what's needed: if you were, then things on writing cleanly and concisely wouldn't be a good idea. You don't want to write anything that does not directly contribute to exactly what you want, especially if you're planning on writing professionally. The longer something is, the more expensive it's going to have to be and the less money you'll potentially make selling it. That is why genre fiction usually does not consist of bricks.

 

[Falthor]

I'm not thinking of writing professionally. It's a hobby, but there is no way in hell that I would make a career out of this. I'll be broke in an instant if people hate description as much as you guys do. I'm new to the writing biz, since I've never really finished a fic because I've received negative criticism and tons of flames. Of course, being the moron that I am, succumbed to the flames and stopped writing. I hate sounding "pretentious," though people think I sound it. I hate it when people think that I think I'm a certain way when I'm not.

Anyway, back to the subject (sorry, my life's a fucking mess right now), yeah, I don't know what to think about the emotional scenes since I haven't gotten to write those yet (I've hit a writer's block due to the criticism. It affects me that way. How could it not?), but I'll give you a scene/preview soon enough. Thanks for the criticism, guys, even if the tone sounded flame-ish, but I really hope I can get my best fic out, considering I'm putting loads of effort into it.

Regarding description, though: people hate it when you don't describe shit, but also hate it when you do so much. Where's the break-even point?

 

[surskitty]

Just because you're not currently thinking of writing professionally does not mean that you should not focus on trying to improve so that, later, you can try selling things and profit off of your hobby if you so desire.

Describe exactly what you need to describe. Don't dwell on unimportant details: focus on writing as much as you need to in order to get your point across without going on about anything else. If it isn't important, don't devote time to it. Also, don't assume that your readers are complete morons and need you to repeat the same general description over and over. If you spend more than a paragraph at most setting the scene, it'd better be important.

Also, if you're writing in first person, then you'd best make sure that it's in first person. If the character wouldn't notice it or think of it that way, then don't write that!

Try not to say anything directly about a character's emotional state in the narrative if you're not trying to either show that the narrator is unreliable or save space. There are times when summaries are okay: saying things along the lines of 'further demonstrating my bewildered state' or however you worded it is not. If he's bewildered, then convey it through thoughts and actions.

 

[Eevee]

Good lord, boy, people give you useful criticism and all you can do is complain about how everyone is mis-judging you and your glorious writing.

If you don't know where the happy middle is, read more. You aren't describing; you are going into painful pointless detail. Use flavor that is interesting or relevant. Don't just pad pages with crap the reader can figure out just fine on eir own.

 

[Falthor]

Just because you're not currently thinking of writing professionally does not mean that you should not focus on trying to improve so that, later, you can try selling things and profit off of your hobby if you so desire.

Describe exactly what you need to describe. Don't dwell on unimportant details: focus on writing as much as you need to in order to get your point across without going on about anything else. If it isn't important, don't devote time to it. Also, don't assume that your readers are complete morons and need you to repeat the same general description over and over. If you spend more than a paragraph at most setting the scene, it'd better be important.

Also, if you're writing in first person, then you'd best make sure that it's in first person. If the character wouldn't notice it or think of it that way, then don't write that!

Try not to say anything directly about a character's emotional state in the narrative if you're not trying to either show that the narrator is unreliable or save space. There are times when summaries are okay: saying things along the lines of 'further demonstrating my bewildered state' or however you worded it is not. If he's bewildered, then convey it through thoughts and actions.

All right, I will. Nothing else to say, really.

Good lord, boy, people give you useful criticism and all you can do is complain about how everyone is mis-judging you and your glorious writing.

If you don't know where the happy middle is, read more. You aren't describing; you are going into painful pointless detail. Use flavor that is interesting or relevant. Don't just pad pages with crap the reader can figure out just fine on eir own.

I'm not complaining at all.

And yeah, I realized that reading the other person's post.

Thanks, everyone.

 

[Music Dragon]

Okay, his writing had a few flaws, but at least it was better than a lot of crap I've seen in my days. I honestly think you guys are being more harsh than constructive. Remember, good critique is about teaching people, not discouraging them from writing. (Apparently you succeeded in doing the latter.)

 

[octobr]

We can't give constructive criticism if the author isn't willing to take it, MD.

 

[OrangeAipom]

If a person really likes writing, it will write anyway.

EDIT: You are male. I never mentioned your name.

 

[Falthor]

I am a male. I am willing to take it. I'm not complaining; you guys are putting words in my mouth. The tone in your posts suggests that. The tone. I never said that you guys were being prudes. I'd rather have you be constructive, but just the tone suggested that. Stop making a connection between tone and person, because they're not even close to the same thing.

 

[octobr]

I'll believe you aren't complaining when I see some of our criticism implemented :V

 

[Falthor]

Good show, mon ami.

 

[Ruby]

I have another piece of advice: the foreword, the dedication, the typography, the title are peripheral to the story. Concern yourself wholly with the story and you will not seem pretentious.

 

[Falthor]

I eradicated everything up till Chapter V, since everything seemed similar. This thing's gonna be on major hiatus, just to let you know. Don't tell the guys at SPPF if you are part of that forum; let them thirst for the story. I'll consult some of you guys over time in this thread, perhaps (most likely, actually), asking for tips on passages I will provide you. Who knows? I may just give you the whole chapter to beta read as a group before I finalize it in the Fan Fiction communities on the Internet.

 

[Falthor]

Sorry to double-post, but I've been working on the fic from the beginning and have begun the prologue. Here is what I have so far. I know it's descriptive, but if there is anything here that needs to be fixed, I should start early. The POV is going to be in third-person the whole time. But the focus of the narrator will change at times (the Prologue establishes the plot and the main antagonist, Chapter I establishes the protagonist), as you will discover.

“It’s time,” a voice whispered in the black of night. A low growl responded obediently, and a whoosh followed shortly thereafter. The beast dashed through the shrubbery without any hassle, whereas its human master failed to maneuver with ease. Branches, twigs, and other forestal objects struck his face every step the person took. After colliding with a tree trunk a second afterward, painful groans echoed through the forest. A patrolman shined his flashlight through the bushes to the area where the figure was, and, to his surprise, no one was there. A tiny leaf gently flew through the light zephyrs and touched the ground softly. The cloaked man stealthily slid down the tree he collided into and regained his composure, then surveyed his surroundings. He saw his target: the large, looming skyscraper almost half a kilometer away. His journey would be difficult, but he managed to come this far; he did not come here to fail. It wasn’t an option: his life depended on it.

The hound, which was coated in black fur, skulls, and devil’s horns, sat next to its master, anticipating any further commands. It looked up and saw the reminder of the thief’s last encounter with this beast: a large scar that covered half of his face. He touched it, looked up, and ran towards the building, gesticulating that the dog follow him.

The two had planned this attack for years: every precise movement, every outcome, every possible event that would occur, they had studied. Their mission was of prime importance, and failure to do so would end in termination. Nimbly moving about, the two shadows glided along the sidewalk and managed to reach the fire escape in record time. The man looked at his watch obsessively, calculating every nanosecond that passed. Everything had to be precise, or else all would fail.

 

[Ruby]

That is better written and easier to read. You should create a new thread, though, if you want many replies; the criticism from earlier has probably stigmatized this thread.

I have only a few points to make.

You've used colons properly but frequently. If you use the colon too often its dramatic effect will wear off: if you use the colon sparingly and aptly it will work every time.

A low growl responded obediently, and a whoosh followed shortly thereafter.

A growl cannot respond. Thereafter denotes continuous action. That is, thereafter means from then on not afterward. If you want to keep the clumsy structure of the original sentence use this or something similar: In response came a low growl, and a whoosh followed a moment later.

Their mission was of prime importance, and failure to do so would end in termination.

Failure to do what?

 

[Vladimir Putin's LJ]

The beast dashed through the shrubbery

I do think this is better, but there are mistakes, like Ruby pointed out. I really think the best thing to do is to apply Orwell's Effective Writing a little:

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
6. Break any of these rules sooner than saying anything outright barbarous.

Flowery language was all the rage back in the 19th century, early 20th century and rightfully so, since the best Romantic-style novels existed back then. Nowadays language that is clear without being excessively so (to the point where you make the reader feel like you think they're stupid) is the best kind of writing because we're not in a Romantic era anymore.

Sorry if I use the wrong terminology but I studied the terms in my Portuguese class so I'm making direct translations :I

 

[Falthor]

I don't like assuming my reader is stupid (using concise language). I assume the reader is intelligent enough that he (being grammatically correct here, not politically) actually wanted to read the piece of fiction. I see where I made mistakes, but thank God the first three paragraphs were good enough, unlike the original Chapter I, where no one could even read it from the first paragraph. But we'll let the original judges be the judges. ><

 

[Tailsy]

Concise language works so well because not everyone sits and reads their thesaurus. Readers want to be entertained by a story, not confused or frustrated by it.

 

[Falthor]

I know you're being sarcastic, but I don't read my thesaurus. Um. Yeah, I don't think I was too verbose (in terms of complex vocabulary), but I may be wrong. I can't be the judge of this, but you guys can. How's it lookin' in terms of language? Has it improved somewhat? Improvement's good; degradation is not. Am I using the right word as an opposite?

 

[Tailsy]

I think it's mostly a case of you're telling and not showing. For example, you shouldn't just state what the Houndoom (it IS a Houndoom, yes?) looks like or what the background scene is; it makes your writing seem flat and as though you're trying too hard to set the scene.

I can't really help you with that though, because I tend to omit most of my character's physical descriptions entirely because I can't get it to flow naturally. I'd try describing things while combining them with actions:

"So, like, then Danny was all like 'whoaaa' and I was like 'uh, what?'," she said, her blonde hair swinging back as she moved her head expressively; Rebecca had a terrible habit of looking sort of like a duck when she talked.

Or something like that. :B