Arylett Charnoa
Barely existent.
- Pronoun
-
I don't know what just happened or if anyone cares. But it feels like a dream. This is going to be very long because I just have to talk about it.
For most of my life, I have struggled with crippling social anxiety, extreme emotional sensitivity, loneliness, and more issues that I can count. Lately, I've been feeling suicidal, and thinking very muchly about wanting to kill myself. I haven't done anything yet, but I was getting very close to that point.
Nobody around me knew anything. I kept it a perfectly closed secret. My mom was completely absorbed in my sister's bizarre misadventures and constant switching of boyfriends, so I just fell through the cracks, forgotten, and everyone thinking I was fine.
Everyone except my internet friends.
I don't have barely any real life friends, actually, I only have one. And I didn't even tell her as much as I did my internet friends. I told them about nothing was worth it anymore, and I just wanted to drop off the face of the earth and stop living. I told them that they were the only things worth waking up for, and I felt motivated to do absolutely nothing. They knew I had serious issues, and they told me, day after day, Arylett, go see a psychiatrist.
And I said: "No... I can't. Everyone will think I am weak. Everyone will think I'm stupid for having emotions and being sad... I can deal with this by myself." I obviously couldn't.
Time came around that I forced myself to make a decision not because it felt right, but because it was easy. I made myself apply to a college close to home due to the convenience, but my heart was in a place much farther away, where they taught of Graphic Design. Everyone else around me was so happy and always talking about the future and smiling when I felt like I had no future and just so unhappy and like some Special Kid who can't do anything on her own. I'm not independent, and I can't move away because I'm a lot more immature than most people my age. And for a very long time, I'd be depressed about everyone telling me this. And how different I was. And how I wouldn't survive if I want to that far away school to live on my own. I felt so alone. And like nothing could save me. I just felt like life wasn't worth it anymore.
Day in and day out, I'd just sit there. Putting things off to related to applying to the college. And my mom would yell and scream and call me lazy. I didn't really want to go there, but I felt like I had to. It was the only thing that was affordable. I put it off to the very last minute in getting textbooks for some classes, the day right before, which was today.
I started freaking out and panicking, especially when I checked and it told me it'd be dropping some classes and some financial award I got wouldn't get through. I told my mom this and she flipped, yelling and stuff, really loud. Suddenly my dad came in and threatened to take off the internet.
And that's when I fell apart.
I couldn't take it anymore. I cried so hard and I told my mom everything - about my depression, about how that school just didn't feel right, about how I thought about ending it a lot. At first, she started freaking out and was angry. She said that what I wanted was impossible. But then I told her about how serious this just felt... and she, I think she understood. For once, my mom seemed to understand something.
And for me, that's a big deal. Because there's a big language and cultural barrier. My mom speaks Spanish and I speak English. In her culture, she doesn't seem to understand what sarcasm is. She seems to freak out and just yell about every little thing I tell her - even something so stupid as towels, she yells filling up the whole house with her screams. And I had the thought that she was just this impossible person to talk to, someone who could not and would not understand, and would overreact about everything.
I told her about how important my internet friends were to me, how they made me smile through all the hell and pain and struggle within me, and I told her that I just wanted to take a year off... because I honestly need to get my shit together, I'm sure you guys would agree from reading the first half of this. I know people say it's bad, and they just have been telling me not to do it, but it feels like I just am struggling and too depressed and conflicted to do anything right. I don't care what anyone says: I need it.
I said: "I just want a psychiatrist, mom. Please. I want someone to help me. I want to feel better before I can go to school."
And she agreed and said it was a good idea when I asked her if it was. Now my whole life has changed... the whole direction of my life has changed. Just a few hours prior, I was worrying and panicking and thinking about ending it and just being so afraid and worried about school and everything and thinking my whole life was going to be a disaster and that I would never get better, just be stuck in my little Alone Orb where I don't ask for help.
Now I'm finally, after an entire life of just having panic attacks about asking people I barely know for help or even talking to them... and having just so many issues and not knowing things... I'm finally going to get help. And I know that it can't all magically be healed and cured within a year, but I just want to get it to the point where I can at least tolerate my life and be able to make independent decisions and talk to people a little more.
It's just the thought that finally, after so much fear and pain alone, so much suffering... someone is going to help me. I don't have to be alone in my pain or tell people who can't do anything about it. (I love my internet friends, I do, and whilst they make me happy and feel better, they can't really do anything about it) It's just that hope. That hope that things are finally going to get better and that I can just... relax now and think about what I'm going to do with my life rather than having to rush and feel like I have to compete and keep up with everyone else. I'm doing what I need to do, what I know feels right. Not what other people are telling me.
I just never realized that. I always thought about things I should do, and schools I SHOULD go to, but in the process... I forgot one very important thing. It's not about what I should do, it's about what I WANT to do. Because as good intentions as people in my life have, they don't know what I want, and they don't know what's best for me, and they don't know what feels right. This is MY life, not theirs, and... even though people will doubt me, I just have to do what feels right inside of my heart, and not listen. No matter how insane or crazy it is or impossible it seems.
That's part of why I'm just... not an independent person. I rely so much on other peoples' opinions and guidance to tell me what to do... when I just don't listen to myself. But now I am. Even though I'm scared... and even though the future seems really unclear, I've taken the first step. And for now, I'm just going to live in the present, and see what I can do to try to untangle my life. Then I'll concern myself with the rest of everything else.
I don't really feel jump off the walls happy... but I just feel... it's more of this feeling of wow, you know? Just... wow. It's a good feeling, and I just had to tell someone about this. I apologize for the length.
For most of my life, I have struggled with crippling social anxiety, extreme emotional sensitivity, loneliness, and more issues that I can count. Lately, I've been feeling suicidal, and thinking very muchly about wanting to kill myself. I haven't done anything yet, but I was getting very close to that point.
Nobody around me knew anything. I kept it a perfectly closed secret. My mom was completely absorbed in my sister's bizarre misadventures and constant switching of boyfriends, so I just fell through the cracks, forgotten, and everyone thinking I was fine.
Everyone except my internet friends.
I don't have barely any real life friends, actually, I only have one. And I didn't even tell her as much as I did my internet friends. I told them about nothing was worth it anymore, and I just wanted to drop off the face of the earth and stop living. I told them that they were the only things worth waking up for, and I felt motivated to do absolutely nothing. They knew I had serious issues, and they told me, day after day, Arylett, go see a psychiatrist.
And I said: "No... I can't. Everyone will think I am weak. Everyone will think I'm stupid for having emotions and being sad... I can deal with this by myself." I obviously couldn't.
Time came around that I forced myself to make a decision not because it felt right, but because it was easy. I made myself apply to a college close to home due to the convenience, but my heart was in a place much farther away, where they taught of Graphic Design. Everyone else around me was so happy and always talking about the future and smiling when I felt like I had no future and just so unhappy and like some Special Kid who can't do anything on her own. I'm not independent, and I can't move away because I'm a lot more immature than most people my age. And for a very long time, I'd be depressed about everyone telling me this. And how different I was. And how I wouldn't survive if I want to that far away school to live on my own. I felt so alone. And like nothing could save me. I just felt like life wasn't worth it anymore.
Day in and day out, I'd just sit there. Putting things off to related to applying to the college. And my mom would yell and scream and call me lazy. I didn't really want to go there, but I felt like I had to. It was the only thing that was affordable. I put it off to the very last minute in getting textbooks for some classes, the day right before, which was today.
I started freaking out and panicking, especially when I checked and it told me it'd be dropping some classes and some financial award I got wouldn't get through. I told my mom this and she flipped, yelling and stuff, really loud. Suddenly my dad came in and threatened to take off the internet.
And that's when I fell apart.
I couldn't take it anymore. I cried so hard and I told my mom everything - about my depression, about how that school just didn't feel right, about how I thought about ending it a lot. At first, she started freaking out and was angry. She said that what I wanted was impossible. But then I told her about how serious this just felt... and she, I think she understood. For once, my mom seemed to understand something.
And for me, that's a big deal. Because there's a big language and cultural barrier. My mom speaks Spanish and I speak English. In her culture, she doesn't seem to understand what sarcasm is. She seems to freak out and just yell about every little thing I tell her - even something so stupid as towels, she yells filling up the whole house with her screams. And I had the thought that she was just this impossible person to talk to, someone who could not and would not understand, and would overreact about everything.
I told her about how important my internet friends were to me, how they made me smile through all the hell and pain and struggle within me, and I told her that I just wanted to take a year off... because I honestly need to get my shit together, I'm sure you guys would agree from reading the first half of this. I know people say it's bad, and they just have been telling me not to do it, but it feels like I just am struggling and too depressed and conflicted to do anything right. I don't care what anyone says: I need it.
I said: "I just want a psychiatrist, mom. Please. I want someone to help me. I want to feel better before I can go to school."
And she agreed and said it was a good idea when I asked her if it was. Now my whole life has changed... the whole direction of my life has changed. Just a few hours prior, I was worrying and panicking and thinking about ending it and just being so afraid and worried about school and everything and thinking my whole life was going to be a disaster and that I would never get better, just be stuck in my little Alone Orb where I don't ask for help.
Now I'm finally, after an entire life of just having panic attacks about asking people I barely know for help or even talking to them... and having just so many issues and not knowing things... I'm finally going to get help. And I know that it can't all magically be healed and cured within a year, but I just want to get it to the point where I can at least tolerate my life and be able to make independent decisions and talk to people a little more.
It's just the thought that finally, after so much fear and pain alone, so much suffering... someone is going to help me. I don't have to be alone in my pain or tell people who can't do anything about it. (I love my internet friends, I do, and whilst they make me happy and feel better, they can't really do anything about it) It's just that hope. That hope that things are finally going to get better and that I can just... relax now and think about what I'm going to do with my life rather than having to rush and feel like I have to compete and keep up with everyone else. I'm doing what I need to do, what I know feels right. Not what other people are telling me.
I just never realized that. I always thought about things I should do, and schools I SHOULD go to, but in the process... I forgot one very important thing. It's not about what I should do, it's about what I WANT to do. Because as good intentions as people in my life have, they don't know what I want, and they don't know what's best for me, and they don't know what feels right. This is MY life, not theirs, and... even though people will doubt me, I just have to do what feels right inside of my heart, and not listen. No matter how insane or crazy it is or impossible it seems.
That's part of why I'm just... not an independent person. I rely so much on other peoples' opinions and guidance to tell me what to do... when I just don't listen to myself. But now I am. Even though I'm scared... and even though the future seems really unclear, I've taken the first step. And for now, I'm just going to live in the present, and see what I can do to try to untangle my life. Then I'll concern myself with the rest of everything else.
I don't really feel jump off the walls happy... but I just feel... it's more of this feeling of wow, you know? Just... wow. It's a good feeling, and I just had to tell someone about this. I apologize for the length.
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