Your Past Self

[Valerunner]

(So you have one hour with your past self, your choice of age. What happens?)

(12 vs 18)
Cool, a time machine!
Don't fucking touch that. Anyway, I'm here because my life could be better and yours is not bat either, come to think of it. I'm gonna make it better.
So this is like a prophecy?
No. First things first, be fucking normal. That ninja amputated arm shit isn't gonna last past Year 8. And you will be the laughing stock.
But the Sixth Formers like me!
They see you as runts that do tricks. Focus on your work and don't let it get to you that it's easy; you just had a few lessons early.
So I'm not smart? At least I'm actually tall here.
HAH. Biggest load of bullcrap I've heard. They have massive growth spurts and you will be dwarfed by Kieran.
He's like the size of a plate.
And he will jump to 5"6. You will stay at 5". So drink your milk damn you.
Anything else? Like how to be popular?
Lose your ego, keep your shame. Everytime you face strangers, your thought is "blank slate. I can do anything." Then do anything. You will be applauded. Also, stick with Phill, Woody is an asshat, Tom is an asshat, Tracy will break you, Harry is an asshat, find other friends, pick Sarah over Kim, and just see what happens.
So do I get to change my name?
Don't fucking start. You're still changing, but to something decent. You're keeping John. And you need to take care of your skin. You're gonna be putting a lot of makeup on it.
What?
You dress up. Once you hit my age, you'll hit it into hyperdrive; you'll go out in heels and a catsuit in London and pass. Then you'll plan to live with that identity. Look up "bigender". And ask for a fucking desktop.
Weeeird.
Oh, and be more discreet when you dress up.
I don't do that stuff! That's weird.
If it didn't have any consequences I have the right mind to break your arm and feed it to you.
Eew. So am I going to university?
Ask me in a month's time, kid. You're aiming for Theatre Studies.
Isn't that like plays and Shakespeare? That's gay.
Riddle me this, you runt: what type of people do theatre?
Gays and girls.
Girls and gay guys, right. Now are those girls going to be dating the guys?
No, they're gay!
There. You have the whole field to yourself.
OHHHHH.
Speaking of gender, you become bigender.
WHAT
Bigender. You have a male and female side to you. Well, different sides of the same you. Like a piece of paper. One side is male, the other female, but you're still one piece of paper.
So I wear dresses and stuff OUTSIDE?
Only done that once. And it was a relative success. My feet fucking hurt, though.
GAAAY.
*18 year old me has 12 year old me in an ankle lock, he taps out*
The hell was that for?
Being annoying. Bye.
Wait, what?

Just realized I am such a bully.

 

[Mendatt]

(13 vs 13 five minutes ago)
So...
Hi..?
Wassup.
Not much. How did you get here.
Time machine.
Ah. Umm. Wouldn't this cause a bunch of paradoxes and stuff, possibly involving weird dragon things eating people?
No.
Okay. Ooh, time machine!

 

[octobr]

'fuck off you insufferable shit'
'oh'
and then i stop existing because past me has jumped out a window or something

 

[Superbird]

That made me realize, Mendatt, that talking to yourself five minutes ago and then not being able to go back for an hour would cause a bigger paradox than just going back in time and killing your mother before you were born.

Anyway...

Oh hey, a time machine.
Hi, past me. I have some advice for you.
Oh? What might that be?
Don't promise Emma you'll tell her. Just don't.
Huh? Why—oh. So that would happen?
I see you've already figured out the other side of the 50/50. Yeah, it will happen, and with an unfaborable outcome at that.
Okay then. Thanks for the warning. But how am I supposed to deal with Emma then?
Be creative. It's your future, after all.

...Not that interesting. Also I'd probably take that back if a better opportunity came up.

 

[....]

That made me realize, Mendatt, that talking to yourself five minutes ago and then not being able to go back for an hour would cause a bigger paradox than just going back in time and killing your mother before you were born.

Actually, the former would just become an endless loop. Mendatt [A] would go back five minutes to visit Mendatt . Five minutes later, Mendatt would become Mendatt [A] and the cycle would never end unless Mendatt [A] told Mendatt to not go back in time, in which the loop will break.

With the latter, you would just be erased from existance.

-

Anyway, I'd just play hide and seek with my past self for an hour.

 

[Zero Moment]

Actually, the former would just become an endless loop. Mendatt [A] would go back five minutes to visit Mendatt . Five minutes later, Mendatt would become Mendatt [A] and the cycle would never end unless Mendatt [A] told Mendatt to not go back in time, in which the loop will break.

With the latter, you would just be erased from existance.

-

Anyway, I'd just play hide and seek with my past self for an hour.

Wouldn't it be [A] visits , then goes on his way: becomes [A], visits , and goes on his way...?

 

[....]

Wouldn't it be [A] visits , then goes on his way: becomes [A], visits , and goes on his way...?

I'd assume that [A] ceases to exist and becomes the new [A].

 

[Mendatt]

Why..? I see no reason for A to cease to exist. B may become the new A, but B becomes the new A before the point where B becomes the new A, therefore... This is giving me a headache.

 

[....]

Well, physically becomes [a].

 

[1. Luftballon]

see, this is why time travel tends not to end well for anyone involved. well, other than hitler, perhaps.

 

[Superbird]

For that scenario I was assuming that you're required to stay there for a full hour.

And for going back in time,
You go back in time and kill your mother before she had you which means you were never born which means you never went back to kill her which means she's still alive which means you were born which means you go back in time and kill your mother before she had you which means you were never born which means you never went back to kill her which means she's still alive which means you were born which means you go back in time and kill your mother before she had you which means you were never born which means you never went back to kill her which means she's still alive which means you were born which means you...

...That's a paradox if I ever saw one. Or an infinite circle, at least.

 

[Zora of Termina]

19 year old me vs. 15 year old me, c. July 2007


...Is that a time machine?

Yes it is.

Can I-

No. Now listen up sweetheart. I'm here to make your life better. I'll be blunt, I'm you from the future.

But how can you-

Look at me. Don't turn away. Look. You survived. You got through it all. Now listen to me. Don't you ever let any of your classmates get to you. 'Specially not Shanyka.

Well why not, she's a-

I know, she's a bitch now. She will be for a while yet. But she winds up pregnant in a few months time. You, well... you don't. She'll move downstate, and you'll only see her once after that. She'll make amends.

...Okay...?

Now then. That roleplay you just joined. You know the one. You don't know it yet, but that will become an integral part of your life years later, crazy as that sounds. Don't lose your patience with Flareth when she nags, promise me that.

She... nags? Why do I have to put up wi-

You'll see. I'll say this. She may just turn out to be your best friend, years later. And by the way... that CC kid? Don't.

But I lo-

No. No you don't. He's taking advantage of you, he doesn't give a shit. There's... better people around. *knowing smile* Better women, to be specific.

...You mean I'm a lesbian?!

Got a problem with it?

Not really, but...

Good. Also... try to make amends with Leisha. You'll regret it if you don't.

Why...?

I'm not at ease to say... by the way. Try to be better to Sue.

Gollwitzer or Nelson?

...Soon it won't be Gollwitzer anymore, but... Mrs. Nelson, mostly. She genuinely cares about you. I know you hate your job, but she tries her damnedest. Don't be so mean to her.

But I don't like herrrrr D:

Not an excuse. Hell... treat everyone better. I'll be frank. Past me, you're kind of an insufferable bitch.

WHAT?! Why you... *charge*

*grab by the hair, throw into the wall* Don't you pull that with me. That's exactly what I mean. You can't keep charging people like this, it's not going to get you any sort of respect.

But... they're mean to-

Because you pull shit like that. Take it from me. Right now you're just a joke to them. Mellow out.

I-

No excuses.

Okay...

There we are. Now... please, tell Nick I said hello. He won't be around here much longer... and you know you'll miss him.

He... leaves? But this place just won't be the same without him!

Moves back to Barrington. Show him you appreciate him. Also... you may have noticed already, but stop trying to change yourself. Blue hair just won't look good on you.

But I /hate/ my hair!

No you don't. You've got one of the most unique hair colors there is.

But... but Jazz keeps making fun of me for my hair...

But... it's Jazz. You're really gonna let something he says get to you?

But-

Come on. He's an asshole.

Okay, but-

No excuses.

...fiiine...

Good girl. Now I gotta go. There's a marathon I wanted to catch. *warp away*

 

[Lord of the Fireflies]

And one of the reason why people should not attempt to travel in time. Ever.

Space is hard enough.

EDIT: aaah skipped a post.

 

[Chief Zackrai]

--CURRENT Sizz-Lorr began pestering PAST Sizz-Lorr at ?:??--

CSZ: You are awful at thing called making friends, dude.

PSZ: What are you eluding to? I have plenty of companions.

CSZ: See? That is why people don't like you.

PSZ: What? My expansive vocabulary? I thoroughly enjoy confounding people who do not choose to utilize their intellect to it fullest extent. It eliminates the derelicts from my circle rather efficiently.

CSZ: No. Just, no. I like being like that too, but you only have like seven actual friends. Three of which don't even go to this school. You need to broaden your horizons.

PSZ: Why would I elect to do that? I enjoy my friends, no matter how inconsistent and sparse they may be.

CSZ: Because, you'll never make any more friends this way. And you know that.

PSZ: Again, what exactly are you getting at?

CSZ: The fact that you'll never really be happy this way. Yes, I do enjoy that side of us, and I wish I could access it more often, but it doesn't need to be the only side of us.

PSZ: I see. Perhaps you could elaborate further?

CSZ: That's all there is to it, you imbecile! Not everything has to have a second part and meaning.

PSZ: I don't believe you.

CSZ: Of course you wouldn't! Agh, why did I even think of this? Whatever. You'll figure everything out eventually.

PSZ: Of course I will! It's obviously something I'm smart enough to figure out. You did. And I'm you!

CSZ: God you need friends.

--CURRENT Sizz-Lorr ceased pestering PAST Sizz-Lorr at ?:??--

 

[Tailsy]

--CURRENT heinousFirebrand began pestering PAST heinousFirebrand at 03:13--

CHF: how old are you?

PHF: huh?
PHF: ... 14?

CHF: it gets so much better than this.

--CURRENT heinousFirebrand ceased pestering PAST heinousFirebrand at 03:15--

 

[Dannichu]

Hi, younger self! I'm gonna level with you: you still don't know what to do when you grow up. But I wouldn't worry about it, you've spent your whole life thus far just sort of doing what seems like a good idea, and you've had a pretty good time of it. Speaking of which, university was fantastic, you'll love it. And I completely envy you for being able to watch Buffy for the first time.
Future Grabby says hi and that you should get a haircut. She's right.

 

[Autumn]

i actually wrote a short story in which Polymetric from June 3rd, 2011 went back in time to visit Polymetric from October 18, 2009. Six days later I wrote an addition in which June 9th, 2011 Polymetric goes back to October 18th in order to inform both October 18th Polymetric and June 3rd Polymetric (who's still in that time period, having just finished her conversation with October 18th Polymetric) of the stuff that would happen in the six days between the story of June 3rd Polymetric was written and June 9th happened.

technically I should really make a third edition with July 26th Polymetric popping in to inform all three of the other Polymetrics of all the other shit that's gone down since June 9th... hmm

(not posting any stories because they'd be long and dumb lol)

 

[Blastoise Fortooate]

Dear me at around 11/12: Don't be so hung up about being changing around other guys at camp. They've all probably got what you do, and waiting for everyone else to leave doesn't work if a bunch of other kids are doing the same thing. Also, start washing your face to get in the habit.

Dear me of two and a half days ago: Don't buy that mini-gong. It's not as cool as you hope it is. The owl is though!

 

[Michi]

Me to myself from 2009:
2011me: Turn on a goddamn radio. You're depressing, egotistic, have almost no friends, and are a jackass. There's a woman on the radio who will totally change you, and who you'll pretty much worship.
2009me: ... On the radio? Who? Music on the radio sucks.
2011me: Her name's Lady Gaga. Just trust me on this. Oh, and you're gay.
2009me: I'M NOT A FA-
2011me: Shut the fuck up, you are and you know it. *lectures 2009me for 50 minutes about that* Also, drop the emotionless act and start wearing brighter clothing. You won't regret it. *Poofs back to 2011*
2009me: *ignores everything I said and life proceeds as normal*

 

[RespectTheBlade]

Current 14 year old me to 11 year old Past me circa 2007-2008-ish

-- CURRENT dignifiedSlicer began pestering PAST dignifiedSlicer at 21:42 --

CDS: Yo, wat up?

PDS: Um... Hi?

PDS: Why are you, uh, talking to me?

CDS: To give you some pointers.

CDS: How old are you?

PDS: ...11, why?

CDS: Ok. Just listen to everything I say, don't interrupt. You're still at SAA, so two important things: Michael Sprague. You're gona call him, you guys are gunna be best buds. Two, forget about Sarah. That was probably the biggest mistake you ever made

PDS: Michael? I... I never thought about that.

PDS: And, I...I think I love Sarah.

PDS: Wait, how the heck do you know this stuff?!

CDS: I'll explain later.

CDS: And no, you don't. You have a crush on her, she thinks you're a creep. When you leave, she's gonna completely ignore you.

CDS: Which reminds me, you're leaving SAA in about a year.

PDS: WHAAT?!! But... My friends, everything...

CDS: Get over it. you leaving spurs two of the best moments of your life. Contact friends, but you're moving to Indiana. You're skipping 7th grade, goin to 8th.

CDS: Youll get into Science Olympiad, two years straight. Freshman year you'll go to nats.

PDS: Get over it? How the heck am I suposed to get over losing all my friends?

CDS: Just trust me that things will get better.

PDS:....OK... but,

CDS: As a warning, 8th grade's gonna suck. You're gonna want to go on those pokemon forums Michael, Martin and Bryant always talk about. Give you some friends to talk to.

PDS: Something about... dragons, right?

CDS: The Cave of Dragonflies. Go, you'll become an awesome dude who has a reputation for liking swords.

CDS: You'll also make a lot of friends.

CDS: And, talk about Fall Out Boy with someone named Silver. Do it, it's worth it.

PDS: I always did like swords...

CDS: You'll get a lot more into pokemon, that's good too. Never give it up.

PDS: I heard it was good...

CDS: Man, it's awesome. There's gona be a fifth gen and everything.

PDS: Woooah.

CDS: Two things: Romance is gonna be confusing in the future, ask for help. I'm not sayin who you'll meet, But don't close any doors. Love finds a lot of ways to find a person.

PDS: Ok...?

PDS: Wait, I'll meet someone.

CDS: Not givin any details.

CDS: Also, for the love of god, do NOT ask Leanne Marshall to the Semi-Formal dance Freshamn year. You got desprate, asked her, and she let you down. Don't make the same mistake again.

PDS: Wait, how do you

CDS: Also, you're gonna get a rep at school for being a genius. Be cool with it. But don't let homework get over your head, especially in the case of 8th grade Algebra 1.

PDS: But I

CDS: Also, always remember that if you don't think you have a friend in one place, there's always someone to talk to somwhere else.

PDS: Dude how do you know all this?!

CDS: I'm you, Simple as that.

CDS: Final things: Music, go with Fall Out Boy and anything related, you'll end up liking a giant variety. Don't get involved with things you know are stupid, specially liking people at school who you know don't like you back. Also, you're gonna become versed in slam poetry, use the skill well.

CDS: don't give up any hopes to go to MIT, and try and become an astrophysicist.Set your dreams and hopes high, a lot of awesome stuff will happen. Trust me.

CDS: Oh. and your favorite pokemon's gonna be a Gallade. Michael will tell you what that is shortly. You'll find a Gardevoir soon enough. (You'll also know what that means soon enough.) Your name on the forums... what have you thought?

PDS: Uh, I really don't know... Um... Maybe something like Random1, maybe...?

CDS: NO. Go with RespectTheBlade. Just do it.

PDS: That's... That's actually pretty cool.

CDS: I know.

CDS: I got to go now, time constraint and all. Remember my advice, take it well.

CDS: Stay sharp, My friend, er, self.

CDS: (Sword puns, heh heh. I'm freaking HILARIOUS. heheheheh.)

PDS: Um.... Thanks, I guess...?

PDS: I don't know whether to believe this all or not...

CDS: You don't have any real reason to believe this isn't real, do you?

PDS: .....

CDS: Yeah, that's what I thought. Be you in a few years.

PDS: Same, I guess.

CDS: Alright. Later, bro.

-- CURRENT dignifiedSlicer ceased pestering PAST dignifiedSlicer at 22:12 --