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Anti-Jokes

Vipera Magnifica

Vipera Magnifica

Aquatic Artiste
Pronoun
he/him
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Domestic violence is a crime. She should leave her abusive partner and seek help.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He was an electrician.
Why don't vampires like garlic?
You have to be real to like garlic.
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a loaf of bread.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where is my tractor?"
If olive oil is made from olives and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.
What was the pirate's favorite letter?
Many pirates were illiterate and so did not know any letters, much less have a favorite. However, even if this pirate were able to read, it is unlikely that we would be able to find out his favorite letter without asking him, since pirates were primarily in existence two to four centuries ago. In addition, most people don't have a favorite letter, and so a pirate would probably not be an exception.

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.
"Long day?" the bartender asks.
"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.


Chuck Norris walked into a bar. He was greeted with much respect considering he was a talented actor.


A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse says "I have cancer."


Hey, the eighties called,
they were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.


Two parrots were sitting on a perch. The older one turned to the younger one and said "do you smell fish?" The younger one paused for a bit, and replied "do you smell fish?"
Their owner had been talking about fish.


A duck walked into a bar. Animal control was promptly called and the duck was released into a nearby park.
 
okay seriously

I got destroyed by all of these!

even the "What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?" :c
 
I enjoyed all of these, although the blonde electrician being a guy confused me because I read blond/blonde (and brunet/brunette) as male/female - not sure if that's actually how English works, but it's definitely how it does in French. I do enjoy jokery that works on sexist/racist assumptions (the black pilot one was also good) though.
 
Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
 
"Hey, Person One, want a Donkey Punch?"
"No, Person Two."
"See, if you said yes, I would've punched you, considering I'm an ass and all."
(Person One walks away)
(Beat)
"Oh wait."


I always wondered why that baseball was getting larger. Then I realized that it wasn't getting larger, but it was coming straight for my face.
 
Why did Susie fall of the swing?
She has no arms.

Why can't Michael Jackson skip rope?
He's dead.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A bear. The absence of teeth does not impact the species name.

What is black and always in the back of a police car?
The seat.

What do iPhones and children have in common?
They both stop working when they are thrown off buildings.

A black, a Mexican, and a white jump off a building. They die on impact and their loss is mourned for years to come.

What do a squirrel and piano have in common?
Neither of them are fish.

What do women and buckets have in common?
Neither had the right to vote before 1932. Buckets still can't.

Politics.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A highly unstable creature that will die shortly after birth.

More later.
 
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers."

Knock knock.
Come in!

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Set an alarm for a reasonable hour.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."
 
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