Luxcario
'Humans are interesting.'
- Pronoun
- he
If you really want to hear funny things that teachers have said, read Roald Dahl's Boy, his autobiography of when he was a kid.
-
Welcome to The Cave of Dragonflies forums, where the smallest bugs live alongside the strongest dragons.
Guests are not able to post messages or even read certain areas of the forums. Now, that's boring, don't you think? Registration, on the other hand, is simple, completely free of charge, and does not require you to give out any personal information at all. As soon as you register, you can take part in some of the happy fun things at the forums such as posting messages, voting in polls, sending private messages to people and being told that this is where we drink tea and eat cod.
Of course I'm not forcing you to do anything if you don't want to, but seriously, what have you got to lose? Five seconds of your life?
Funny things teachers/ professors have said
- Thread starter donotlookatdiagram
- Start date
If you really want to hear funny things that teachers have said, read Roald Dahl's Boy, his autobiography of when he was a kid.
DarkAura
loves terra "brain cells? idk her" kingdomhearts
Does this have to be about teachers? Can it be about speakers at schools also? I'm gonna put it.
Ok, so on Tuesday or Wednsday, Joel Patton (Yes, the football player) came to my school, and heres are pieces of dialouge throughout it all.
Joel: Who here's a [Put the state I live in here] football fan?
*Over half of the people raise their hands*
Joel: Who's an Ohio football fan?
*About 20 people raise their hands*
Joel: Who's a Michigan football fan? (Michigan, being the rival to Ohio in football)
*Gunner raises his hand*
Joel: What's your name?
Gunner: Gunner...
Joel: Come on up here Gunner.
*Gunner walks up to the stage. People yell 'Kill Him'*
Joel: Gunner. (Says it in a real funny way)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Joel: I'm not gonna be like those people that say 'If you do drugs...if you drink,'
*I say 'You'll die'*
Joel: 'You'll die'
~~~~~~~~~~~
Joel: Now some people that were doing the Agree/Disagree thing were staying their groun with their friend, like 'We're not moving'. Thier friend leaves, and the other person is like 'We're leeeeeeving!' (<In a whiny tone)....Gunner (<Same tone)
~~~~~~~~~~~
*That dance thing, and one guy was dancing in it. The kid pulled the strings of his shorts and brought them over his neck and tied them, so they looked, well, like Urkel pants with overalls.*
*After the dancing* Joel: ....I don't know whether to be amazed or shocked....
Ok, so on Tuesday or Wednsday, Joel Patton (Yes, the football player) came to my school, and heres are pieces of dialouge throughout it all.
Joel: Who here's a [Put the state I live in here] football fan?
*Over half of the people raise their hands*
Joel: Who's an Ohio football fan?
*About 20 people raise their hands*
Joel: Who's a Michigan football fan? (Michigan, being the rival to Ohio in football)
*Gunner raises his hand*
Joel: What's your name?
Gunner: Gunner...
Joel: Come on up here Gunner.
*Gunner walks up to the stage. People yell 'Kill Him'*
Joel: Gunner. (Says it in a real funny way)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Joel: I'm not gonna be like those people that say 'If you do drugs...if you drink,'
*I say 'You'll die'*
Joel: 'You'll die'
~~~~~~~~~~~
Joel: Now some people that were doing the Agree/Disagree thing were staying their groun with their friend, like 'We're not moving'. Thier friend leaves, and the other person is like 'We're leeeeeeving!' (<In a whiny tone)....Gunner (<Same tone)
~~~~~~~~~~~
*That dance thing, and one guy was dancing in it. The kid pulled the strings of his shorts and brought them over his neck and tied them, so they looked, well, like Urkel pants with overalls.*
*After the dancing* Joel: ....I don't know whether to be amazed or shocked....
Ever
wants to play mafia
- Pronoun
- ve/they/it
*science teacher (Mr. Lee), Emily, Fran, Audrey and I are sitting at a desk at lunch*
Fran: Mr. Lee, are you single?
Mr. Lee: Yeah.
Emily: Are you going to date?
Mr. Lee: Yeah, I guess.
Audrey: Do you want to ave kids?
Mr. Lee: ...Yeah...
Fran: How many?
Mr. Lee: *awkward look* Uh, I don't know.
Audrey: Have you considered adoption?
Mr Lee: ...
Emily: He wants to go through the process
*Audrey, Fran and I start cracking up*
*Mr Lee laughs*
Me: Emily!
Mr. Lee: I like your thinking.
*more laughter*
And the other day he was wearing a pin. It said: "Practice safe snacks. Always use condiments!"
I love science.
Fran: Mr. Lee, are you single?
Mr. Lee: Yeah.
Emily: Are you going to date?
Mr. Lee: Yeah, I guess.
Audrey: Do you want to ave kids?
Mr. Lee: ...Yeah...
Fran: How many?
Mr. Lee: *awkward look* Uh, I don't know.
Audrey: Have you considered adoption?
Mr Lee: ...
Emily: He wants to go through the process
*Audrey, Fran and I start cracking up*
*Mr Lee laughs*
Me: Emily!
Mr. Lee: I like your thinking.
*more laughter*
And the other day he was wearing a pin. It said: "Practice safe snacks. Always use condiments!"
I love science.
Monoking
Let's all go to the festival!
My day has been made.
Cap'n Sofa
Cow Zedong
There are a lot of these, so I'll have to come up with highlights.
I posted this one in another thread but it deserves mention here.
Ted (history teacher): ...it's kind of like he was getting people to root for Team America.
Ben (student): AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
Everyone else: *shocked at Ben*
Ted: COMIN' AGAIN TO SAVE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DAY, YEAH! All of you: Watch that movie.
Michal (French teacher, who is female): *writing something on board, accidentally marks chin with marker)
Student (who I'm not naming out of not knowing them very well): Uh, you kind of...*points to chin*
Michal: Oh. *draws full goatee* I'm already engaged, doesn't matter.
Max (also a history teacher): Oh, I see (student) over there is asleep. Let's play a prank on him. Maybe someone can get something from the chem lab...? Nah, just wake him up.
Jamie (chemistry teacher): So that's ammonium. Do we need any more polyatomic ion practice?
Student: *in French accent* Yes, I would very much like that.
Jamie: Oh, it's "talk in a outrageous accent day"? *puts on thick French accent* NOW, WHO CAN TELL ME ZE CHEMICAL FORMULA FOR CARBOXYL?
I posted this one in another thread but it deserves mention here.
Ted (history teacher): ...it's kind of like he was getting people to root for Team America.
Ben (student): AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
Everyone else: *shocked at Ben*
Ted: COMIN' AGAIN TO SAVE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DAY, YEAH! All of you: Watch that movie.
Michal (French teacher, who is female): *writing something on board, accidentally marks chin with marker)
Student (who I'm not naming out of not knowing them very well): Uh, you kind of...*points to chin*
Michal: Oh. *draws full goatee* I'm already engaged, doesn't matter.
Max (also a history teacher): Oh, I see (student) over there is asleep. Let's play a prank on him. Maybe someone can get something from the chem lab...? Nah, just wake him up.
Jamie (chemistry teacher): So that's ammonium. Do we need any more polyatomic ion practice?
Student: *in French accent* Yes, I would very much like that.
Jamie: Oh, it's "talk in a outrageous accent day"? *puts on thick French accent* NOW, WHO CAN TELL ME ZE CHEMICAL FORMULA FOR CARBOXYL?
M&F
tikitok
- Pronoun
- any
That reminds me of one math teacher who'd whisper evil into the ears of anybody who slept in his class.
Other highlights by this teacher include pretending to use a make-up set he took from a girl that had been putting make-up on during his class and standing behind the director making silly faces while said director wasted class time for a lecture.
My engineering professor, who is from Brazil and speaks English as a second language, once remarked after someone hiccuped: "Now ... i know that when someone sneezes, you say 'bless you' ... what do you say after that? I will say 'bless you' anyway."
My calculus professor makes funny observations sometimes without any indication that it's a joke of some sort. One time he pointed to an equation and asked what its graph was. Someone randomly guessed "sphere"; the professor replied "you're half right", then, without any change in facial expression, revealed that "it's a hemisphere".
He also remarked once, introducing line integrals, that everything goes counter-clockwise except clocks and the sun. He's a very interesting fellow. I went to his office the other day to give him something and on his door was a picture of a collie and what appeared to be a scientific article about some professor's dog finding the optimum path to a tennis ball thrown into a lake.
My calculus professor makes funny observations sometimes without any indication that it's a joke of some sort. One time he pointed to an equation and asked what its graph was. Someone randomly guessed "sphere"; the professor replied "you're half right", then, without any change in facial expression, revealed that "it's a hemisphere".
He also remarked once, introducing line integrals, that everything goes counter-clockwise except clocks and the sun. He's a very interesting fellow. I went to his office the other day to give him something and on his door was a picture of a collie and what appeared to be a scientific article about some professor's dog finding the optimum path to a tennis ball thrown into a lake.
RespectTheBlade
rage against the dying of the light
shadow_lugia
Warning: May contain nuts
SquishierCobra
Banned
Nanabshuckle8
Bringer of Peace
At least 2 of my chemistry teachers have threatened someone in my class with butanoic acid. Apearently it smells terrible.
Alright, other than that, my biology/geography teacher grades 7-9 was hilarious, not because he was particularly funny, but rather because we misinterpreted about 90% of what he said. For example he once told us about how he not only hangs tallow balls for the birds in the winter, but also tallow sausages. Well, that was a given one, as it also was when he talked about making soda with his sodastream. He called it "squirt squirt" (that's a direct translation, but pretty accurate nontheless) and he said that it sometimes squirts all over the kitchen. We were perverts.
Now in the gymnasium I have some pretty awesome teachers. First of my finnish teacher (He was the greatest teacher I've ever seen, he made finnish funny! That's next to impossible, unfortunately, we only had him for one period, he was replaced by satan). He translated a part of a finnish song to something like "On the dull skates of memory, I skate towards you", and really, it sounded great in finnish.
At this moment I remeber my teacher in religion (7-9) who listens to Iron Maiden, the teacher, with whom the whole class just sat on their desks meditating, with the standard "Aooouuummmmm"-sound constantly ringing. He had a ponytail and was a great teacher. Going back to the perverted stuff, our teacher in civics/history (also 7-9) told us about how Honda had come up with a new model. In sweden they where just about to throw up some ads when they realised that the name literally meant Honda Vagina in swedish. This lead to an outburst of jokes between me and a couple of pals over the following 2 hours :D
Last, but not least my current economics teacher is...odd. And Awesome at the same time!! He's danish, which influences his english quite alot. Whenever he checks the presence he always follow each answer with a "Jups/Jeps!" He's very eccentric, constantly walking around in the classroom, interrupting presentations etc. Most notable of all he's constantly shouting. Not in a bad way, it's just like anyone would talk normally, only that he shouts. Not only that but he's actually a pretty good teacher as well. I feel like he's either teaching us economics or trying to get us to feel bad for being well-fed, rich, white, european teenagers. Probably both. Here's some dialogue about free health care:
Mr. Jensen (teacher): Imagine a compleately useless person, someone who's lazy as hell. Doesn't have a job, doesn't do anything. Should such a slob get free health care? Shouldn't it be so that those who pay get health care?
Philip: Well, force him to get a job, make him work.
Mr. Jensen: Okay, imagine a handicapped person, compleately useless, can't walk, talk or work at all. Should he get free health care, even though he can't do anything? Isn't there some other solution?
Philip: (half jokingly): Active death-help?
Mr. Jensen: Aah, that would be the fascist way, you know who else practiced active death-help on millions, Mr Fascist? Hitler.
And this is a little something about -isms in general, from the same teacher:
Socialism: You have two cows, the state takes one of them and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You Have two cows. The state takes both of them and gives you milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The state takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The state takes both of them and shoots you.
Bureaucrcy: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one of them and spills the milk in the sewer.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
Extreme capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and force the remaining one to produce the milk of four cows. You are shocked when the cow dies.
Now don't go hatin' on me or him for some reason, he pretty much just found it on some random door when he was young. That was all.
Alright, other than that, my biology/geography teacher grades 7-9 was hilarious, not because he was particularly funny, but rather because we misinterpreted about 90% of what he said. For example he once told us about how he not only hangs tallow balls for the birds in the winter, but also tallow sausages. Well, that was a given one, as it also was when he talked about making soda with his sodastream. He called it "squirt squirt" (that's a direct translation, but pretty accurate nontheless) and he said that it sometimes squirts all over the kitchen. We were perverts.
Now in the gymnasium I have some pretty awesome teachers. First of my finnish teacher (He was the greatest teacher I've ever seen, he made finnish funny! That's next to impossible, unfortunately, we only had him for one period, he was replaced by satan). He translated a part of a finnish song to something like "On the dull skates of memory, I skate towards you", and really, it sounded great in finnish.
At this moment I remeber my teacher in religion (7-9) who listens to Iron Maiden, the teacher, with whom the whole class just sat on their desks meditating, with the standard "Aooouuummmmm"-sound constantly ringing. He had a ponytail and was a great teacher. Going back to the perverted stuff, our teacher in civics/history (also 7-9) told us about how Honda had come up with a new model. In sweden they where just about to throw up some ads when they realised that the name literally meant Honda Vagina in swedish. This lead to an outburst of jokes between me and a couple of pals over the following 2 hours :D
Last, but not least my current economics teacher is...odd. And Awesome at the same time!! He's danish, which influences his english quite alot. Whenever he checks the presence he always follow each answer with a "Jups/Jeps!" He's very eccentric, constantly walking around in the classroom, interrupting presentations etc. Most notable of all he's constantly shouting. Not in a bad way, it's just like anyone would talk normally, only that he shouts. Not only that but he's actually a pretty good teacher as well. I feel like he's either teaching us economics or trying to get us to feel bad for being well-fed, rich, white, european teenagers. Probably both. Here's some dialogue about free health care:
Mr. Jensen (teacher): Imagine a compleately useless person, someone who's lazy as hell. Doesn't have a job, doesn't do anything. Should such a slob get free health care? Shouldn't it be so that those who pay get health care?
Philip: Well, force him to get a job, make him work.
Mr. Jensen: Okay, imagine a handicapped person, compleately useless, can't walk, talk or work at all. Should he get free health care, even though he can't do anything? Isn't there some other solution?
Philip: (half jokingly): Active death-help?
Mr. Jensen: Aah, that would be the fascist way, you know who else practiced active death-help on millions, Mr Fascist? Hitler.
And this is a little something about -isms in general, from the same teacher:
Socialism: You have two cows, the state takes one of them and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You Have two cows. The state takes both of them and gives you milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The state takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The state takes both of them and shoots you.
Bureaucrcy: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one of them and spills the milk in the sewer.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
Extreme capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and force the remaining one to produce the milk of four cows. You are shocked when the cow dies.
Now don't go hatin' on me or him for some reason, he pretty much just found it on some random door when he was young. That was all.
sv_01
Witch of Light
One boy from my class asked the teacher why so many teachers are becoming unavailable. And she said: "There's a fly flying around this school, it bites you and you're pregnant."
Well, maybe she said it in this weird way because she had taken her daughter (who is certainly younger than us) to the class with her.
Well, maybe she said it in this weird way because she had taken her daughter (who is certainly younger than us) to the class with her.
OH GOD
WHAT JUST HAPPENED
okay so in my band program at school my band teacher is necessitating the use of SmartMusic, a program where you play your instrument into a computer microphone in time with the music on the program and the thing grades you based on pitch/rhythm accuracy. We're doing assignments on there now.
My boyfriend doesn't have SmartMusic, so he comes over to my house to do assignments. Last time he was over we decided to troll my band teacher by signing up for freshman band on the SmartMusic program (neither of us are in freshman band) and doing assignments on it. We both sent in an assignment of us playing one of the pieces like 200 beats a minute (for those not in the know, this is over three beats a second, or PRETTY DAMNED FAST) and submitting it.
We were fearing the day when the band teacher graded the assignments and left comments because, well, it wasn't our band and it was super ridiculous fast.
Well he got around to grading all the assignments we turned in. On my account, on my recording of the super ridiculous fast piece, his comment was "y'all need to find some other way of entertaining yourselves beside sending me smart music submissions from a class you're not in at absurd tempi. Casey [my boyfriend] - dinner and a movie too conventional for ya? C'mon, you two clearly need some new date ideas."
WHAT JUST HAPPENED
okay so in my band program at school my band teacher is necessitating the use of SmartMusic, a program where you play your instrument into a computer microphone in time with the music on the program and the thing grades you based on pitch/rhythm accuracy. We're doing assignments on there now.
My boyfriend doesn't have SmartMusic, so he comes over to my house to do assignments. Last time he was over we decided to troll my band teacher by signing up for freshman band on the SmartMusic program (neither of us are in freshman band) and doing assignments on it. We both sent in an assignment of us playing one of the pieces like 200 beats a minute (for those not in the know, this is over three beats a second, or PRETTY DAMNED FAST) and submitting it.
We were fearing the day when the band teacher graded the assignments and left comments because, well, it wasn't our band and it was super ridiculous fast.
Well he got around to grading all the assignments we turned in. On my account, on my recording of the super ridiculous fast piece, his comment was "y'all need to find some other way of entertaining yourselves beside sending me smart music submissions from a class you're not in at absurd tempi. Casey [my boyfriend] - dinner and a movie too conventional for ya? C'mon, you two clearly need some new date ideas."
The Omskivar
chah, dude
Not my teacher, per se, but a teacher with whom I have become affiliated.
The director of the show I'm in at a school close to mine in a discussion we were having:
Me: You know, for being the titular character, I really don't do much.
Rattle (director): That's true. But what you do do, is very important. (Moment's pause) Heh heh... doo doo.
This man retires next year.
Another conversation with him concerning another student, Zach:
Me: Something's not right with Zach.
Rattle: Yeah, he's got something stuck in his brain.
Me: A penis.
Rattle (completely nonchalant about my random vulgarity): yeah, and his brain is in his ass.
Double whammy. Brain is in his ass and a penis is stuck in his brain, which is in his ass.
The director of the show I'm in at a school close to mine in a discussion we were having:
Me: You know, for being the titular character, I really don't do much.
Rattle (director): That's true. But what you do do, is very important. (Moment's pause) Heh heh... doo doo.
This man retires next year.
Another conversation with him concerning another student, Zach:
Me: Something's not right with Zach.
Rattle: Yeah, he's got something stuck in his brain.
Me: A penis.
Rattle (completely nonchalant about my random vulgarity): yeah, and his brain is in his ass.
Double whammy. Brain is in his ass and a penis is stuck in his brain, which is in his ass.
Murkrow
Says "also" and "or something" a lot
- Pronoun
- he
Today my stats lecturer promised chocolate to the first person who can answer his question.
I just worked out that the answer would have about 10,000,000,000 digits. Darn trick questions.
EDIT: actually, it might have a googolplex digits. :(
EDIT2: Actually I was right the first time!
I just worked out that the answer would have about 10,000,000,000 digits. Darn trick questions.
EDIT: actually, it might have a googolplex digits. :(
EDIT2: Actually I was right the first time!
Last edited:
1. Luftballon
Banned
- Pronoun
- it
what the question was?