mewtini

:€

lol, hai, ^^
I kinda went on a programming spree. I have enough skills for a job now.

I hope things get better with your family. :< I'm a good listener if you ever need to rant, and good at keeping secrets if you wish to keep stuff secret.

I'm always up for a Y!Chat!

I see!

Fancy a Y!Chat?

Really? Huh, small world.

4ND N0W 1'M 0FF T0 51339, 600D 8Y3 4ND 600D N16HT

:]|

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You are quite the interesting ten year old.

-_^

...Okay, I can understand that. Although I still have to factor in the randomness.

G'night.

[continued from last message]

"Not taking your shit anymore, Life, I'm not taking it. Next time you toss that crap on me, and try to crush me like that, and get rid of me, I'm just going to march up to you and kick your ass freakin' in. You don't mess with me. You don't mess with something so twisted and broken and sad inside. You don't mess with the Darkness, or the Fire. Because that Darkness is always there, no matter what, and that Fire will burn you, it'll blaze so hard with my anger, Life. I will kick your freaking ass.

I look so small and so weak, a tiny insignificant creature. An incompetant Messenger whose messages are not heard. Kicked, torn, hurt, spit on, ignored, disrespected, lied to, silenced, betrayed, attacked, unloved. You look at me, Life, and you see something so useless, you think. You think I'll never amount to anything, and that's why you're trying to kick me down. Always telling me I'm just a stupid little house pet, and I should just stay there, and be forever a pet, because I'll never grow to my final form.

Hey Life? Guess what?

You can't break what's already broken.

Since the moment I first saw you, I was broken. All I've ever known are my pieces, not my whole. And I'm still picking them up, even when you try to scatter them constantly. All you ever do is abuse me, Life, you kick me down, and you turn the most important person to me against me. The only one who's been there the whole time for me, even when she's been suffering too, and even when she's been so confused this whole time and not known what to do.

Me.

The only one who's not given up on you. The only one who will never leave. And I haven't been giving her enough credit. It's all because of all the shit you've done, Life. It's made me abuse her like you abuse me, take out my anger on someone who doesn't deserve it. YOU'RE the one who deserves my anger, Life. And I shouldn't keep giving it to the wrong person, and giving her all these scars when you give me enough of them as it is.

I am strong.

I face horrors that people who seem stronger than me run away from, when I'm supposed to be weak. I take the balls and the initiate, and I say what needs to be said. Even if I said it a bit too late, even if I've been waiting so long to say it, eventually, I say it. I can hold back all my punches when I kick your ass, Life. But I'm not pulling back that last one.

And I used to think I was weak, because of you, Life. I'd hurt her, and I'd think she was weak and worthless. But I've seen so much shit now, that I know that's just not true. The fact that I'm even still looking at you right now proves it. I would've gone a long time ago away from you if I was weak.

So you keep trying your stupid shit. You keep doing that. And you keep bringing fuckin' Uncle Happiness 'round and cockteasing me with him, Life. I'm gonna love the one who really matters, and the one who really needs it. Eventually. When I learn how.

Until then, I'm gonna kick your fucking ass in. Like I've said again and again. But I say it again and again because I mean it. Fuck hope, fuck faith, fuck all that. I'm tired and I don't have the energy anymore. I feel nothing but emptiness.

All I have is the Darkness inside of my heart, and the Fire in my eyes. All I have are the pieces that still remain, and the pieces at my side. That's all I have to fight you with, Life. And you can laugh at me, and mock the fact that I've sided with something so ugly. But when you've reached the absolute rockbottom, when you're close to reaching the edge of sanity, and have been several times, then that's all you can do. All you can do is side with that which you've tried desperately to fight this whole time, to fight your real enemy.

I have sharp fangs, I have sharp claws, and I am an absolute monster. And I am because of you. And you know what? I love it. I love the monster that I am, and I will fight you without wearing that pretty dress that you always expect me to wear.

So what I'm just trying to say to you here is...

Don't you ever think that you can push down this red Messenger, you pretentious bastard. And don't you ever think that you can call me weak, stupid, or insignificant again without the consequences. I have power and I have strength. And most importantly?

Don't you ever make me fight her again and make me live with those two awful friends of mine Guilt and Shame. Because they're all I've ever known, and I really don't even want to be around them anymore.

Because I may be small, I may be naive, and I may be young.

But I am goddamn Arylett Charnoa Dawnsborough.

And nobody can take that away from me."

I hope that was helpful... I realize it was somewhat aggressive since... well, I think you can tell what kind of mood I was in when I wrote it. But yeah, I mean, you know, sometimes, you just need to give it a kick in the ass.

That's good to hear!

So that makes you unusual amongst people then, who are usually deterred.

Seems like you got a lot on your mind then. Nowhere I haven't been, I once stood in a kitchen staring at a knife with intent. I wanted to get away too, because of how miserable my life is. But maybe you're like me in that way, maybe you don't really want to do it, do you? I'm not going to say what everyone else's already said; that's redundant. Life is an awful villain and it guns you down like that. It's not a happy place of sunshine, and there seems to be no reason to stay. But, I wrote something once, I think you might want to see it, since you like to read long things. I wrote life a letter ("her" is me, and I realize some of it doesn't make sense. some of it is like these elaborate metaphors I write from my poems, but you should be able to get the basics):

"Dear Life,

You thought you could get rid of me. You thought you could do your damnest and send everything in my way. Inner demons of hell and Darkness to the point where I'd sometimes stand in that kitchen staring and wondering how it'd feel. Crying every day, crying for so long. My tears have never stopped in this constant spiral of sadness, of gain and then loss, and then loneliness.

Thought you could give me a taste of the good stuff, didn'tcha? And then take it away before I could enjoy it. Constantly too. Teasing me with false hope and lies. And impossible things. When I've learned the truth...

Life, you're not gonna give me jack shit. I will keep searching for love, for the thing I've always wanted, and I will never feel my tank fill up. I'm a car, whose tank is always running on empty. Battered up old thing, destroyed and weathered, and everytime you take it to the gas station, the tank won't fill up. It's like an illusion. You see the little needle point to FULL one moment, and then... the next... it's EMPTY. And you try again and again and again, keep filling up that car. It doesn't work.

My tank will always be empty, if I keep relying on you to give me everything, Life. No matter how hard you try, and no matter how you all mean it, I will never hear your words. I am unreachable.

But I'm going to find her, Life. Oh, I'm going to find her, and I'm going to be her. Without your false hope for the future. Screw the future, I'm sick of hearing it, Life. I'm sick of hearing, it'll be better eventually! Sick of relying on those words, you bastard, when all you ever do is bombard me with shit and the occasional treat which you then snatch out of my shivering desparate hands. You kick me down cruelly, Life. You kick me as if you're so rich, and I'm so poor, a beggar on the streets. A beggar of love.

Everyday, you liked to play your sick little game with me. See how much I could take... see how much I could take before I started screaming and I ran to that damn kitchen to stare at those knives, tears running down my face. I remember that day. I was shrieking so hard, I didn't even want to see you ever again, Life. I wanted to get the hell away from you and your nasty negativity, your constant cruelty, and your constant tease.

I'm gonna use the misery as my power, not hope. Words of hope no longer mean anything to me after all these years, and I am devoid of it and fate. Instead, I will use the Darkness. I will enshroud myself in it, Life. It and the Flames. Me and that Maiden of Darkness, we're going to become one, just like she said. Darkness... and Light. I'll grab that misery, and I'll hug it myself. I'll grab those tears, and I'll wipe them myself. Without any of your stupid false hope.

That Maiden of Darkness and I will walk hand-in-hand together. And look each other in the eye.

Then I'll find her.

And at that point, you can keep spitting in my eyes all you like, kicking and abusing me like so many others have. Or maybe taking advantage of me and stepping on me like some doormat too. You might not even know you were doing that, like so many others had.

But I sure know as hell that I can't get rid of you, Life. You're that one bitch in my life that I can't just toss out like all the others who've sucked all I've had to give out of me. In fact, Life, you ARE my life. And like it or not, I gotta live in you. Even if you're draining all I can give, just like those bitches have.

If I did get rid of you, I'd be back in that kitchen. And then I would be nothing. And nobody. And nothing would mean anything anymore. And maybe this would all be over and I would never have to see your cruel smiling face again.

You can just stick it up your asshole though.

I've been through all your shit, and I'm gonna get so much more. I can feel it in my bones. I can feel this great wonderful stew of crap you've got waiting for me, you bastard. You've just started; I know you're capable of ripping from me everything I have left in the blink of an eye before I am rendered into a pathetic pile of emotions and nothingness."

In an alternate reality, this guy would have been called Indi!

600D N16HT MY FR13ND

:[|

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|_('_| (cake)

DANCE! *cheers Indigo on*

'_'

Sleep well, may your dreams be filled with cats that don't want to kill you. (Yeeeaah... I have some pretty messed up dreams.)

(I can see why. Try to ignore him if you can, if not take your mind off it with a good sleep.)

50 V3RY FUNNY

:!D

d_(^_^)_b

DANCE! *starts dancing badly*

~.o

Goodnight, then.

No, but it was so short-lived..

... He already left?

:D

:D

Yep.

;D

SO HOW YOU DOIN'?

Never mind.

*sweatdrop* ^^

I feel guilty..

That's.. nice :3