Does "trans*" mean anyone who's not cisgender, or does it specifically mean someone who isn't cisgender, but who still falls within the binary? I've seen people use it to refer to a group of people where some of the group are outside the binary, but I'm not sure if they're using it as an everyone-who-isn't-cis term or if they're being wrong!
Also what does "genderqueer" mean, exactly? Can
that be used as "anyone who's not cisgender"? When I look it up I find a bunch of really really specific meanings for it that tons of people don't fit into, but I'm not sure if it should only be used for those meanings or not.
I don't like saying "not-cis" but I'm not sure if either of those terms are all-inclusive or not. :c
In reality I identify as female and go by female pronouns, but there have been times in the past where I've debated my gender identity with myself and wondered if I really feel like a female in light of the fact that I don't exactly act feminine very often, but nor do I act excessively masculine; I've wondered if I'd be more suited to third-gender pronouns. I guess in a sense I'm still debating that, much like I'm still debating my sexuality (I call myself 'lesbian' but I have a boyfriend, for instance; I've explained how this makes sense but it doesn't stop people from being confused when I first mention it), but I don't think about it often enough to have reached a conclusion; I'm content with female pronouns and that's all that matters to me.
It's your identity and you should be allowed to talk about your own identity, but! :c Can you do it in a way that doesn't perpetrate the very very wrong idea that the only reason people identify as not-cisgender is them going "hm well I don't follow stereo-types so I guess I must not be this gender!!" Tons of people act opposite in every way from the stereo-types for their gender and still feel very attached to that gender, and tons of people act exactly like every stereo-type but really really really can't stand being called the gender for those stereo-types and identify as something else! And tons of people fall somewhere in between those!
It's a huge struggle for people to get their identities recognized when everyone around them is fighting to tell them why it can't be true because of mean stereo-types! "oh, you can't be a guy, you loved dresses when you were little!" "but if you were a girl, why would you not watch romantic comedies? you're definitely a guy." "see, this is why you are definitely not a guy - a guy would never do this." "but you like cats." "then you'd like hunting, and you don't." "then what's with all of those action figures in your room." "if that were true, you'd get a hair cut." "um, no, I've seen you play video games."
I get
so much of that directed at me every day (and so do others who identify as something besides cisgender!) and it's horrible struggling to hide things I actually like and pretending to like other things just so that maybe someday someone will recognize that maybe, just maybe, there's the tiniest possibility that
I could know
my identity better than they do... (for a while I tried to convince myself that I was like this and that, too, because it had been so forced onto me that I
couldn't identify as whatever otherwise). I've been trying to cut that out because even if I forced myself to act perfectly like every stereo-type of the (traditionally) "opposite" sex, people will
still find a way to tell me I'm acting stereo-typically like the sex I happen to be (and at best I'd just get someone to decide I'm the "opposite" when I'm not a boy
or a girl). But even when I'm alone it can be really hard to admit to
myself that I like things, because everything is so stupidly gendered and thinking about it makes me feel dysphoric! I can't divorce the thing from how people would treat me if they ever saw because it's so forcefully pushed onto everyone who ever exists.
Even trans* people get caught up in it, fighting so hard to get recognized that they forget to be themselves and they push the stereo-types onto others, too. :c There was a really distressing article the other day with a question-and-answer session with a transgender person, where the people asked "How can you tell if someone is transgender?" and the person said "Oh, they'll always know from a very young age, and, also, they'll act like all of the other set of stereo-types from a very young age it will always be really obvious and everyone who meets them will know right away that they're transgender!" No!!!!!!! Then people who acted like the "wrong" stereo-types when they were little will always be denied the right to identify as whatever they identify as, and people who didn't know as soon as they could form their first coherent thought will be denied that right, too. :( I acted very stereo-typically when I was little and I didn't know for a long time that I wasn't cisgender (how would I have figured that out, assuming that everyone felt this way, always told that it was normal to feel dysphoria? I know that some people figure it out when they're little but some don't, too!), and I'll always pay for that! Because obviously people who aren't me know best how
I feel. But regardless of whatever stereo-types I follow or don't, I have a very very very strong feeling that I am
not cisgender! I don't care about stereo-types, it's just a feeling that's entirely unrelated to stereo-types! It just
is that way.
Sorry if that seems like I'm ranting at you. :c There are just lots of people who will never get that, and even lots of the people who are trying hard to be inclusive and sensitive and open-hearted struggle to get that and sometimes never do, too. :(
Maybe it could be something like... "It's kind of confusing because I don't match feminine stereo-types, so I don't really get how I could identify as a girl, since I don't really understand how else people figure out their identity! But apparently I'm fine with feminine pronouns somehow anyway."
I had this idea for a lifelong 'experiment' of sorts wherein I would, upon graduating from college and entering the real world, promptly introduce myself to people by telling them that I go with the pronouns ze, zer, zem rather than female pronouns.[...]
I get that that seems safe and exciting for
you, but I think it could really cause a lot of harm. :c You'll never be able to answer questions people will ask you, and when you reveal to people that you're actually lying it will encourage the idea that being not-cis is a joke and a lie and no one
actually feels that way, and, too, you simply
won't feel all the horribleness that comes from trying to survive in a world where people insist on everything (I say everything because there are so many people who can. not.
stand even waterbottles being ungendered) fitting into their tiny boxes when they
don't fit and the sides of the box are suffocating them - maybe sometimes people would hurt you over it! But it wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be people denying that
you even exist... Cisgender people can raise awareness, sure! But they'll never ever have those experiences and pretending they do and pretending they can answer questions as accurately and from their heart as someone else could is dangerous! Does that make sense? :c
I think just experimenting with different pronouns without pretending an identity is fine, though! Maybe "I'm comfortable with feminine pronouns and I guess I identify as a girl, but I'm curious what I'd feel like if people used a different pronoun set for me can you try!" (well, there's the idea that being not-cis is just a phase and an experiment but you could say that you know people really really feel that way!)
also:
"I identify as a third gender and
Can you not use "third gender"! It makes no sense to randomly count genders when there are way way way way more than two (maybe infinite) and it sort of encourages counting genders and deciding these ones are okay and these aren't and things like that! Also it seems like it's a word that calls up images of a weird sci-fi thing that can only happen to creepy aliens and maybe that's just me who thinks of that but it's still kind of bad.
There are a few things that tend to strike me as annoying when it comes to trans topics, though. And this is coming from a non-cisgender. For instance, I think the idea mentioned in that trans-etiquette that "it's not our job to educate [anyone]" is stupid and counter-productive. Some of it is semantics (how can someone educate themselves without material produced by non-cisgenders?) but that's silly. But what is the point of telling people "God! You're so ignorant! Why don't you learn something about trans*!" and then not actually educating them? Like, on the spot? It seems lazy or rude or something. No matter how it makes me feel, I always go out of my way in order to teach something to people that are wrong or ignorant about transgenderism. Claiming no responsibility for the education of the ignorant will lead nowhere.
It took me a while to get that, too - but it
hurts being constantly treated like you're just a source for whatever rude questions anyone can think of, and then they just stomp all over your answers and say you're lying and wrong and disgusting
anyway and you can't just bend over backward trying to be nice to people who are hurting you on purpose all the time! Even if people are genuinely curious (and trying to be curious and friendly and open-hearted doesn't mean people can't say some truly awful and hurtful things while they're still learning), it really just gets to be too much! Sometimes it's all someone can do to go "something in what you said is really bad go read about trans* etiquette". Being not-cis doesn't make it someone's
duty to get hurt and trampled; marginalized people aren't magical beings that are put here to teach the poor privileged people, they're just regular people who want to live their lives in peace! You can't tell someone who's struggling not to have a break down every day that they have to go out and endure
more awfulness.
I
do think it can be really difficult for people to learn on their own, yes! And it's definitely super-great when someone has the courage to raise awareness and help to educate people! But you can't expect everyone to do that, and you certainly can't expect people to do that every minute! And there
are lots and lots of people who do try their very best to answer all the questions and raise as much awareness as they can - there
are places to get answers!
Even people who aren't cisgender don't necessarily get that right away - I didn't and I'm not cisgender, either! It can take a while! I'm generally more than willing to answer questions, but there are times where I can't, too, because it's too much. And I
really don't like answering some kinds of people, because some are just mean and hurtful and it's way way way too painful trying to force them to treat everyone as people. :(
