The QUILTBAG Club (formerly the LGBT club)

[shy ♡]

It is. I've been waiting months just for this goddamn endocrinologist to get back to me after the months of therapy and. :| Blah.

 

[Jolty]

It's different wherever you are. It's more logical to assume that if you've known you're trans for over a year, you shouldn't have to go through that ridiculous 'real life experience'. (I don't support the whole year thing either way, honestly.)

yeah i've been going to a gender clinic for two years now and i'm still not on hormones and won't be until september at the /very/ earliest.
with my place they say you need to meet certain requirements and whatnot and then after the initial 3 appointments (which i have to do a second time because i got discharged last year), you can start """""the real life experience""""" and then about 3 month into that, hormones getto daze.

since it's now relevant
has anyone here ever lost friends over their gender identity or sexual orientation?

my best friend of 8 years cut off all ties with me yesterday because i recently asked him to call me by my male name. i no longer have any friends whatsoever in this town and i'm stuck here until september.

i still have to ask my mum to do the same (lol gender clinic requirements) but i'm shitting all the bricks over it. i have until 3rd of april which is my next appointment ugh

 

[shy ♡]

Honestly I've become tempted to just buy t off of ebay. -_- If I knew the right prescription, I'd do that. Sigh. Made even more ridiculous because t is actually free in israel once you get it prescribed. If that ever happens.

re: losing friends, I haven't. I'm so picky with friends to begin with, and... terrible at even making friends with the people I'd choose to be friends with, that irl I only have my sister as a friend. (she's a foster sister who was my best friend before that.) So... have not had that experience, no. :\

I'd suggest, with your mom, that you have her come to therapy sessions because it seems to be a lot easier for them to 'believe' it when told the whole thing from a therapist. (Apparently doctors know you better than you know yourself, as far as parents are concerned. :|) My mom did like, a heel-face-turn with her beliefs surrounding this after my therapist told her she basically has to for my sanity.

 

[Harlequin]

I don't think I've ever lost friends because of my sexual orientation, and if I have then they obviously weren't great friends to start with because I haven't noticed!

also, re: pubic hair: I'd rather my boyfriend didn't shave it all off, but he has to at least keep it a bit tidy. It gets in your mouth and teeth otherwise. It's purely a practicality thing!

 

[Saith]

Recently outted to my entire family and all my friends by my cousin.

So uh.

That was fun. :/

And uh. Yeah. Now lotsa people kinda don't like me. Most of them still do. It's just a bit of a nightmare though, because now I'm 'the gay one'. Which gets annoying when there's a hot girl and I'm all 'SHHHHHHHHH!!!' and also all the rest of the time too.
Although now it's okay for me to wear make-up so...???

e: Pubes: Nice on a guy, not on a girl. In the same way big boobs are nice on a girl but not on a guy. I mean it all depends of course on the presentation. A bloke with a fucking thatch of coarse black springy hairs is gonna be just as bad as a girl with third-degree razor burns on her snatch.

e2: I'm hoping that, seeing as this is the QUILTBAG club, you realise that I'm using 'guy' and 'girl' to refer to your identification not your assignment. Put away the knives.

 

[Vladimir Putin's LJ]

That's great! But I think you have to do that real-life test (where you live as your proper gender for at least a year) before you can get hormones? I dunno, I guess it varies by country, but that's how it went for me. Either way, good luck with your therapy, and just try and be really patient, it's definitely worth it in the end.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it! I'm doing my transition in Belgium, and the requirement in Belgium is that you have to have been feeling trans for at least two years. I've been consciously aware for much longer than that but obviously I can't prove it, but:
- I came out to my mother a little over two years ago and she'll verify it
- I've been seeing my psychiatrist for longer than that and we've discussed trans issues and she's willing to write me a letter saying I show signs of being trans
- If she drops the balls on that I have a back-up in the form of a friend's therapist who said he's totally willing to write me a letter saying I've seen him for two years (though I've never met him) to get around that law (because he's the nicest guy ever apparently???)

So unless something horrible happens I should be able to dodge that bullet. Some therapists will claim that you'll have to see a gender therapist for two years but they are lying scum because there is no such law in Belgium or France (though France recently adopted the Harry Benjamin standards of care so they're probably going to start doing that stupid real life year test). I also kind of know I should avoid dodgy topics like the fact that I'm gay and so on but I'm confident in my male identity and I think the gender therapist will see that.
He is asking for some sort of odd stuff, like he wants to see my 'High Potential' diagnosis certificate (basically 'you have a high IQ but piss-poor decision-making and social skills lol' which is gr8) and he specifically wants to talk to my mum. But whatever.

ALSO trans people: I'm not sure what I should do in regards to coming out at uni? I've come out to all my friends on Facebook and they've been very good about it (except one asshole who said, quote 'lol you will always be a girl to me' and 'think of it this way, I will always call you Iris' which was lovely) and are using male pronouns and such, but since I came out I've added university people and I don't feel like doing a big coming-out thing again. Should I just do it once I get on hormones? They already call me Ivo because that's how I introduced myself but they use female pronouns :| I don't pass very well because although I think I have a fairly masculine face, my voice is anti-stealth and I have ridiculous hips. I've started doing exercise to lose weight in the hopes that it'll streamline my body but obviously that's not done in a day. Bleh. What did you guys do?

Saith: that's terrible :/ I'm sorry that happened, and that people are reacting badly... not sure what I can suggest, it's just a shitty situation. I guess you can always use it as an opportunity to look into physically transitioning, if that's what you want to do? Argh.

And Jolty we have a gender appointment on the same day :o I'll be sending you positive vibes. I know how much of a pain it is to come out to the difficult parent, I have no idea how I'm going to tell my dad. Probably just wait until I have the T in my hand and then do it, haha :v

e:

I'd suggest, with your mom, that you have her come to therapy sessions because it seems to be a lot easier for them to 'believe' it when told the whole thing from a therapist. (Apparently doctors know you better than you know yourself, as far as parents are concerned. :|) My mom did like, a heel-face-turn with her beliefs surrounding this after my therapist told her she basically has to for my sanity.

My mum explicitly told me she'd only encourage me after hearing from a therapist (siiiigh) so yeah, getting a medical professional to vouch for you should help.

 

[Jolty]

ALSO trans people: I'm not sure what I should do in regards to coming out at uni? I've come out to all my friends on Facebook and they've been very good about it (except one asshole who said, quote 'lol you will always be a girl to me' and 'think of it this way, I will always call you Iris' which was lovely) and are using male pronouns and such, but since I came out I've added university people and I don't feel like doing a big coming-out thing again. Should I just do it once I get on hormones? They already call me Ivo because that's how I introduced myself but they use female pronouns :| I don't pass very well because although I think I have a fairly masculine face, my voice is anti-stealth and I have ridiculous hips. I've started doing exercise to lose weight in the hopes that it'll streamline my body but obviously that's not done in a day. Bleh. What did you guys do?

i'd do it sooner rather than later, since the getting hormones part is pretty vague cuz we never know when exactly we'll get on them
and if you don't want to do a big thing again, maybe just next time someone uses the wrong pronouns just say something like "it's 'he' actually". when i was at uni i did something similar and most people were like "oh god sorry!" and that was all so...
I don't pass well either. ugh using the phone is a nightmare, last week I had to phone uni accommodation so I could change my payment schedule and when they'd done it for me they were like "ok you can tell Brandon to check his email, we've sent him the new plan" and I was like :| I don't think there's much that can be done though which sucks :( I've tried eating loads more to gain weight and try and make myself look bigger but it's not working.

And Jolty we have a gender appointment on the same day :o I'll be sending you positive vibes. I know how much of a pain it is to come out to the difficult parent, I have no idea how I'm going to tell my dad. Probably just wait until I have the T in my hand and then do it, haha :v

and i will be sending you good vibes in return!
I'm already out to my mum, I just haven't asked her to use my male name even though it's been my legal name for almost a year.

My mum explicitly told me she'd only encourage me after hearing from a therapist (siiiigh) so yeah, getting a medical professional to vouch for you should help.

over here, the third appointment out of the initial 3 is for family to come along to so I'll probably ask my mum this time round. only my dad came last time and it definitely made him change his mind about things
i hope my mum will /actually/ come though because last time i heard from my dad that she did want to go and heard from my sister that she didn't blah why does she never say these things to me

 

[Minish]

e2: I'm hoping that, seeing as this is the QUILTBAG club, you realise that I'm using 'guy' and 'girl' to refer to your identification not your assignment. Put away the knives.

Then why is it only foul for an arbitrary set of people??

aaaargh I had a massive post the forum ate it. Jolty I've only had (mostly) queer friends, so! :c Thooough I do have a pair of friends who've fallen out over one being fairly clueless about how to be decent to a trans* person (I just try to avoid bringing up trans* stuff around that one :c).

I guess I did (sort of) ditch a friend for being really really transphobic? But she was fairly horrendous in several ways, so. Being picky about how decent my friends are leaves me with few, but I try not to feel too bad about that.

Good luck with all your transy things, guys!!

 

[Byrus]

I've never lost friends over being trans, mostly because I purposely lost contact with my old friends who knew me before I transitioned. Not pleasant, but I really didn't want to take the risk of coming out to them, especially in such a difficult phase of my life. The majority of the close friends I have now are from my trans support group, and I get on well with the people I work and study with, but I have no intentions of telling them.

My family were difficult at first, but they gradually got used to it, and it's not even a thing now really. So I think it helps to give your family time to adjust, and just keep reinforcing that you're completely genuine about your transition. And yeah, I agree that having them come to your therapy sessions is a good idea.

I've been debating with myself over whether I should try and meet up with my old friends or not, but I've been on hormones for three years now, so I just think it's going to be too awkward and risky. I just can't imagine how they'd react.

ALSO trans people: I'm not sure what I should do in regards to coming out at uni? I've come out to all my friends on Facebook and they've been very good about it (except one asshole who said, quote 'lol you will always be a girl to me' and 'think of it this way, I will always call you Iris' which was lovely) and are using male pronouns and such, but since I came out I've added university people and I don't feel like doing a big coming-out thing again. Should I just do it once I get on hormones? They already call me Ivo because that's how I introduced myself but they use female pronouns :| I don't pass very well because although I think I have a fairly masculine face, my voice is anti-stealth and I have ridiculous hips. I've started doing exercise to lose weight in the hopes that it'll streamline my body but obviously that's not done in a day. Bleh. What did you guys do?

That sounds tricky. Maybe you could try testing the waters a little and see what their opinions on LGBT people are?

I didn't come out to anybody at my secondary school or training course. I moved from my old secondary school and then was introduced in my new secondary school as male, which worked out well. Same for my course and job placement. I know it's a lot of hassle, but if you do get the opportunity to move to a new uni, I'd really recommend having a go at introducing yourself and presenting as male. A fresh start really does help a lot.

Also! Ask about hormone blockers. I don't think they're too difficult to get, and they help ease the dysphoria while you're waiting for T.

I've tried eating loads more to gain weight and try and make myself look bigger but it's not working.

I'm by no means an expert on these things, but I don't think trying to gain weight by eating more is a good idea. You generally gain more mass in areas you definitely don't want it, like your hips and breasts. One of my friends was overweight, and he had a lot of trouble getting a binder to fit his chest. Working out and gaining muscle mass is usually a good idea to try and make your body less feminine. Muscular female bodied people generally have very little breasts, and a masculine frame. But everyone's body is different, so yeah.

EDIT- God, I always feel really nervous after writing these kind of posts. I'm generally pretty terrible when it comes to talking about personal things like this

 

[Saith]

Saith: that's terrible :/ I'm sorry that happened, and that people are reacting badly... not sure what I can suggest, it's just a shitty situation. I guess you can always use it as an opportunity to look into physically transitioning, if that's what you want to do? Argh.

Eh, the people who took it badly just needed an excuse to hate me. You know, because I'm such a loveable fella that until now, nobody had any 'reason' not to like me.
The thing that pisses me off most though is that my cousin was one of the few people I trusted with the information, and he acted like it was fine - which meant he was silently hating me for it, or specifically compartmented it away in his mind so that he could use it as a fucking weapon against me. Not to mention that he and I had a falling out over a month ago. He can really hold a grudge.

(Also y'all should totally look out for a massive anger-post in the coughing cupboard soon because my conscience has recently come back to life and suddenly I'm concerned about him)

Then why is it only foul for an arbitrary set of people??

It's... Not? It's just a personal preference, chill out. We all have an idea of perfect physical form in our mind - I just have one for male-bodied-people and one for female-bodied-people. Or... Male-identified-people and female-identified-people? I think I might be getting mixed up. :/

 

[Automata heart]

Eh, the people who took it badly just needed an excuse to hate me. You know, because I'm such a loveable fella that until now, nobody had any 'reason' not to like me.
The thing that pisses me off most though is that my cousin was one of the few people I trusted with the information, and he acted like it was fine - which meant he was silently hating me for it, or specifically compartmented it away in his mind so that he could use it as a fucking weapon against me. Not to mention that he and I had a falling out over a month ago. He can really hold a grudge.

(Also y'all should totally look out for a massive anger-post in the coughing cupboard soon because my conscience has recently come back to life and suddenly I'm concerned about him)


It's... Not? It's just a personal preference, chill out. We all have an idea of perfect physical form in our mind - I just have one for male-bodied-people and one for female-bodied-people. Or... Male-identified-people and female-identified-people? I think I might be getting mixed up. :/

well sweetie, their dicks. no one who is meant to stay in your life would care about something like this. your cousin sounds like he needs a talking to about keeping secrets.


on a different note, i have a TINY crush on a girl who i cosplay with. >__< i have a boyfriend (who i really really care about) and she has a girlfriend. but yeah. tiny little crush.

 

[Saith]

on a different note, i have a TINY crush on a girl who i cosplay with. >__< i have a boyfriend (who i really really care about) and she has a girlfriend. but yeah. tiny little crush.

Are you sure it's a crush crush, and not just a girl crush? (a girl crush is kinda like a man-crush but girlier)
The reason I ask is that if you're in a relationship that actually matters to you, then there's a chance you might just be mixing up admiration for someone else and attraction for her.
Either way don't sweat, it's just a crush.

 

[Flazeah]

Have you lot heard about this? St. Petersburg conservatives are trying to censor everything they think is gay in the city. It's not completely clear, but I think it extends to everything they consider queer.

Oh and pubic hair is fine. Can make things a bit less slippery when I do stuff to my boyfriend's penis, but eh, he tends to trim it.

 

[Michi]

Hello QUILTBAG, very real question here for everyone. Pubic hair or no pubic hair - which do you prefer on your sexual partner?

Can people who have never had a partner say what they would like? Because if so - moderate amount or more, but not crazy extreme.

I can't believe my first post back on TCoD is this... :P


In relation to my things inherently QUILTBAG in nature, I'm basically out to all my closer friends, about 20 people I think. :D I think I could come out completely as far as peers, since at my school there's no real problem with homosexual or bisexual people - that's probably all a combination of the large amount of people who are implicitly bi-curious or bisexual, the progressingly wider minds of the younger people here and around the nation, and our health teacher / volleyball coach being lesbian. I mean sure there's the couple of asshats who'll call you the "f word" or something for arbitrary things, but there would be no danger of actual intolerance. Especially not from (most of) the higher ups on the social scale; I've been making giant leaps in expanding my social circle, and almost everyone I know actually likes me, as opposed to thinking I'm weird or such as I had assumed they did. There is that one bitch who felt the need to loudly yell "FIVE" in Civics, which stood for "strongly agree" on a political views test, for two anti-QUILTBAG statements, but she doesn't matter. But I suppose I'll always be paranoid to some extent over the possibility of someone reacting violently, even with how I try to underplay it all and have a "yeah I'm gay, that's just how it is, it's not important" sort of attitude. Probably because of my major social anxiety and such.

Something I don't know how to handle is the family hurdle. I think my mom knows since she found *things* on my computer last year while I was at school and I came home to her crying and asking if she did something wrong and why I had it on my computer and if I was curious and such (I just sat and straight-face denied everything except the curious part). :x But since that day she never mentioned it at all, or even acted as if I weren't straight - I think the "just curious" act worked. There was one time where all the emotional pressures of everything in my life at that time caused me to have a breakdown and start crying, and four of her probably 50 questions to find out what was wrong involved gender or sexuity, but in that case I just kept answering her with "I don't know" besides the gender issues which I simply responded "no" to.

I had a long conversation with her on political views, recently, which covered about everything in the book for politics, including the QUILTBAG community. She is surprisingly open minded and thinks that QUILTBAG people are equal in every way to others. I think she would either say "oh, that's nice, if you ever need to talk I'm here" or "I already knew" if I told her I was gay, and wouldn't make a deal about it. I think my grandmother would take it rather well, too, and my dad has made tons of comments suggesting he already knows so I know be and his girlfriend would be 100% okay with it. Heck, his entire side of my family should be okay with it, since his aunt has had a girlfriend since before I even have any memories of her.

But, and this is really what I came here for, I have no idea how my mother's boyfriend would react - from how he acts normally I think it might be alright, but I have no real clues either way - and I'm a bit worried about how my grandfather would react. Would anyone here have any idea how to proceed, or should I just wait and just drop the bomb on everyone one day after I leave for college in a few years? I think that the latter would work out in the long run, perhaps even right away, but I really am stuck right now.

Sorry for the long post, but this is really the only place for me to dump all these things and have people who actually care a little and could help read it all. Any advice would be appreciated. :) I would try to give anyone else who needs help some advice as well, but as you can see there are some things I am not equipped to handle.

 

[Dannichu]

almost everyone I know actually likes me, as opposed to thinking I'm weird or such as I had assumed they did.

You make this sound like the two things can't happen at once :p I had a similar experience at school - I was one of the kids who probably should have gotten picked on, but aside from the very meanest kids who nobody liked much anyway, most people found my weirdness (love of Pokemon, lack of fashion sense, disinterest in boys, joy at everything) endearing.

But, sigh, I'm a big loser who hasn't told my family and isn't sure how to, either. My grandparents are all long dead, and I don't see my (small) extended family much at all. I've got two uncles who I haven't seen in 10 and 6 years respectively, an aunt who I really like, but she's a bit Daily Mail-reading and I have no idea what she'd think, and an aunt and uncle on my father's side who are cool. The uncle once mentioned 'lesbian' in a conversation listing 'cool things Danielle is', including 'feminist, Marxist, vegetarian'. A list I am reasonably sure was relayed to him from my dad, who I remember telling me it was okay if I came home and told him I was gay when I was young enough to only barely know what 'gay' was. My sister knows - she was delighted when I told her I had a girlfriend (and who said girlfriend was), and I think my mother knows and I'm sure she'd be fine with it, but for some reason she's the person I'm most nervous about :/

I really should tell my parents, though. I'm 22 years old, have known I'm gay since I was about 13, I'm with someone I love more than anything (who has told her parents about me), I adore my parents and they've always been there for me ...and it's just insulting to everyone concerned if I don't pull myself together and tell them.

I don't know if my long, whingey rant is of any help to you at all, but there it is. I can't think of any useful advice or anything, except that how much you want to come out is something to think about. I've not told my family before in large part because I didn't see why I should - people don't come out as straight, so why should I? Especially since I was never really seeing anyone while living at home, it was never a big deal and I never felt like I was lying to anyone. But now it does and, dammit, soon I'll do something about it.

Best of luck to you :)

 

[Minish]

I came home to her crying and asking if she did something wrong and why I had it on my computer and if I was curious and such (I just sat and straight-face denied everything except the curious part). :x But since that day she never mentioned it at all, or even acted as if I weren't straight - I think the "just curious" act worked.

I can really relate. I'm sorry. :c Well, my situation was a bit different, and it was a few years ago, but I remember one of the first things I did upon beginning to realise I wasn't straight was join a 'I support LGBT'-type group on Facebook, and instantly my mum ran into my room and started yelling and crying and it was so weird and horrible. I think I actually was like "yes please go away go away" to most of her questions, but just like you, she pretty much never mentioned anything about it ever again.

And, like you, she's surprisingly open-minded about most things?? I think even around that time then she was okay about people being queer, just also in the "well it's kinda weird isn't it" camp. I think that since your incident was quite a while ago, there's a chance she's been thinking it over even without saying anything or it being obvious. Really, I thought for years that she just blocked it out or something, but I realised a lot later that while she was still not great about it, her mindset had clearly changed.

Does anyone really do the 'dropping the bomb' thing? I would recommend just a quiet conversation. Definitely make it known that you've been a little worried about things and everyone's opinion. What I did, since my family just have some weird gossip system, is tell the person who I thought would be most okay with things (my mum) and just hung back. :P I never heard anything from anyone, but just assumed that my dad and uncle-who-I-actually-see (who are both fairly conservative) found out. They've never said anything, and I found that best.

Maybe you could be more explicit and ask her to let her boyfriend and your grandfather and things know? If they did have a bad reaction, they'd probably just keep it to themselves that way too, right? It depends what you're most worried about - their direct reaction, or it just being a secret any longer. If you don't mind so much about the whole educating them on things part, I'd suggest that. Good luck!!

Dannichu, stop being so cute. <3 You can do it!

 

[Flora]

You make this sound like the two things can't happen at once :p I had a similar experience at school - I was one of the kids who probably should have gotten picked on, but aside from the very meanest kids who nobody liked much anyway, most people found my weirdness (love of Pokemon, lack of fashion sense, disinterest in boys, joy at everything) endearing.

Same here; actually, a lot of kids on my retreat (and even those who weren't and wrote letters to everyone!) said that they loved how quirky I was.

Onto semi-QUILTBAG stuffs: I'm not gonna just be like "HEY EVERYBODY I LIKE GUYS AND GIRLS" but if anyone asks I'll be like "yeah, I'm bi." That probably won't happen soon because everybody just assumes I'm straight as an arrow (hahahaha that shouldn't be as funny as it is), but maybe.

ALSO MY FRIEND (and my sisters, but that's an entirely different story) KEEPS SERENADING ME AND WRITING/SAYING SEMI-AWKWARD THINGS THAT HONESTLY SOUND AS IF SHE LIKES ME OR SOMETHING AND I'M TOO AWKWARD TO TALK ABOUT IT. (my older sister finds this incredibly amusing for some reason; some of the serenading was going on while she was driving us to play practice and older sis just says "Rachel, your reaction is just great.")

I'm not just gonna go out and be like "HEY DO YOU LIKE ME OR SOMETHING" because I'm awkward enough as is xD

(semi-relatedly; my other friend's going through a "I get girl crushes but I don't want to sleep with them or anything I'm confused" thing, and as such I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one in my group who's somewhat on the QUILTBAG spectrum wooo)

 

[Minish]

Same here; actually, a lot of kids on my retreat (and even those who weren't and wrote letters to everyone!) said that they loved how quirky I was.

Sometimes I realise where I went to was probably actually an abnormally horrible kind of school. :(

EDIT: that said, I guess I have to always mention that the few friends I ever made were all queer and geeky (including one who also now identifies as non-binary), so. I guess it was oddly balanced? :D

 

[shy ♡]

9_9 story??

If anyone knows what shabbat entails, we sort of have dinner and lunch with neighbors, either at their house or ours. So we just had dinner at our neighbors and their 18-or-so-year-old son had friends over. My brother and I got into a huge argument because we're both the sort of people who don't care who we're talking in front of we just say what we think so we were very very loud and the whole table sort of went ... and stared at us... and it was about racism... and then my brother was like 'I'd tell homophobic jokes in front of gay people!!' and I was like gsdfgdf I'M NOT STRAIGHT AND I CARE!!! so. Conversation and its ridiculousness aside, that was apparently the first time my family heard me say I'm not straight? (And my neighbors and their friends too.)

So that led to, on the way home, my mom going on about me saying things and then leaving them dangling, my brother saying 'wait, I thought it was determined that Shai is asexual??' and then 'wait, if you were attracted to guys that would mean you're gay right...? ... Are you gay?' And my dad's just like, w/e w/e idc.

Mostly I don't say anything (or answer with like 'are you gay?') because I don't think it's relevant... The only reason I said I wasn't straight was because it was relevant to the conversation at hand. I mean I have rainbows all over my car, and I wear a rainbow wristband, so I'm clearly not straight, right. But uh... I feel like going over the whole conversation of 'no I'm not gay no I'm not bi no I'm not ace etc. etc.' would just be a pain in the ass when it really isn't important to anything. Right? :v Ehh... I don't need help with it, and it wouldn't change my relationship with them? So.

 

[Phantom]

I had an... interesting conversation with my mother on Tuesday. We were actually in the middle of a funeral procession.

Moar story?

My mom has always been pissed that I'm atheist, even though she's a rather terrible believer herself. She always brings up that she said it was the worst thing she ever did to send me to Catholic school, and that it made me atheist. I have to agree, but I had to explain to her the other reasons for atheism, the ass hole of a priest we had, the sexist nature of the church, the inconsistency of the Bible, the treatment of gays in the church...

Then she flipped a lid.

Apparently I'm only "bi" (she refuses to accept further, nor to accept the fact that I have a minor preference to women over men. I have no idea why I do, just weird like that.) because of the people I hung out with in high school. Apparently it was the cool thing to do and I did it to "fit in", just like, get this, my atheism.

I started laughing so hard when she said I was only atheist cause it was cool and I was just acting it. So fucking funny! I mean when I say I'm atheist, I am a strong atheist and I will start rants and jump in any religious argument I find because I CAN DAMMIT (:P)

Then I got upset. I told her that my atheism, true, has a part with how religion treats the lgbt community. But I told her that I miss Church. She shut up and listened, and it's true. I miss the music, the singing, the feeling that you're in something bigger, the safety of knowing, of feeling that you're safe. When we were in that church for the funeral I cried, not for the departed cause I barely knew them, but for the fact that I missed this, I might not believe it anymore. But the community. I remembered my church and how much I meant to them since I was the only altar server. How it felt when I helped others for church related programs and such. I explained to her that I lost a lot when I stopped believing.

Then she asked why then don't I believe? Save what I lost? I explained that if I were to act like I believed, go through the motions but not have the faith behind it, it would actually be an insult, sacrilegious, and not like I cared, but there felt like there would be something inherently wrong with that.

She said ok.

Then she started actually asking questions. Like, not being mean, but really asking questions and being curious. It as such a step forward. Then she started asking me about lgbt stuff, purely curious. It was such a step forward! Then she started talking to me about other stuff, like how I really want to be a teacher. She said I should try for it, when before when I said it when I graduated high school she was like "GRR YOU'LL NEVER MAKE MONEY IN THAT JOB HURR HURR".

That ounce of respect I had for the church in that I didn't want to be sacrilegious, it got to her. I don't know why.

It's a good thing though.