The QUILTBAG Club (formerly the LGBT club)

[Saith]

Oh thanks but, uh, this isn't a happy realization.
I mean sure, I'm ecstatic about the future possibilities, but practically it's going to give me nothing but grief. I mean, I was... Happy(?) as a guy. Maybe not quite satisfied, and I do go through week-long periods of hiding in a sleeping bag in the kitchen, crying my eyes out becauseI'M UGLY AND NO ONE SHOULD SEE ME AND EWWWWWWbut I figured it was just a teenage thing, you know?
But after reading through the SA Trans-Megathread a couple months back, it made me start thinking. I mean, I'd known about transpeople for a while, obviously. But it had always been Something Other People Do, you know? Like being an astronaut or killing your father. I've got a bunch of trans-friends in real life (a club in Cardiff that I used to go to fairly frequently was a bit of a 'tranny hotspot'), and it's not like they'd kept how it felt a secret from me, but it still always felt alien to me. Kind of like reading this book called Filth. It's written in a Scottish accent, and I know it's a bad analogy, but still. It was like that. But anyway, after a couple months of, I guess, denial, I started thinking long and hard and realized that it cleared some shit up.
That time in comp when I cut my hair into a bob the day before work experience? I stood up in front of a class of kids my age, five times a day for two weeks, giving no shits about what they thought of me because it just felt so good!
The fact that when someone tells me that I have a 'lady-face', I can't even formulate a snappy response because I'm doing my best not to giggle. Even if it's meant as an insult.
When my sister's boyfriend, upon meeting me for the first time, said 'Oh wow, you look just like Arora but with brown hair and a beard!' (I'd been in Cardiff for three days and hadn't had time to shave. Or wash. Q.Q)
It explained these sorts of things, and helped somewhat to explain my self-esteem issues and the fact that I hate people looking at me. Also the whole crying thing.
Honestly, when I even think about maybe one day transitioning, I get all giddy, I giggle, and people give me weird looks. Which they should, because I suddenly get a weird look and start laughing for no reason.

But then it hits me. All the hardships. I come from a, uh, pretty conservative family. I think. I'm not sure. No one in my family is religious, and they all claim to be hippy-liberals and shit. Hell, my grandfather smuggled weed back in the sixties! But they still have their prejudices, and homophobia is one of them. Transgender comes under that umbrella to them, probably.
Hell, my cousin Cory, who I'm closer to than practically anybody in my family, had a conversation with me just last week about a girl in his hostel who was kicked out for being trans. The worst part is, he went on to say that he didn't understand it AND THAT HE ENDED UP CAMPING WITH HER AND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO SHOT THE GROUND AROUND HER FEET WITH A REAL HANDGUN TO SCARE HER OUT OF THE HOSTEL WHEN THEY GOT BACK. Fucking hell.

Anywho, he's the nicest, most open person in my family. Yeah.
Then there's the added costs and the fact that transpeople have a 70% unemployment rate and the fact that I'll only have enough courage once I'm independent, and to do that I'll need to abandon my siblings to my heroine addicted crack-whore of a mother and ugggghhhhh.

So yeah, sorry to be a downer (and sorry to write such a long post, too, oh my god), but that's basically how I feel.
I need a hug. Q.Q

 

[Dannichu]

*giant hug*

I'm really, really sorry to hear about your family and things, but huge props to you for figuring it out. Absolute best of luck with everything from here on :)

 

[Saith]

Thanks. :)
Ugh, I just hope I can even manage to swallow my pride enough to get a therapist.

 

[Valerunner]

>Cardiff

We need to meet up sometime if you're still in the area, especially before I move to Aberystwyth. I'll give you that hug you needed.

 

[Saith]

I moved to Bournemouth a couple weeks back, I'm afraid. :<
(It's actually a really nice place and really diverse and, strangely enough, rather... Open? Trannies walk the streets like it ain't no thang, and no one bothers them or anything, other than to ask the time.)

 

[Minish]

I moved to Bournemouth a couple weeks back, I'm afraid. :<
(It's actually a really nice place and really diverse and, strangely enough, rather... Open? Trannies walk the streets like it ain't no thang, and no one bothers them or anything, other than to ask the time.)

Hey, uh, could you maybe not use slurs like 'tranny' here? You might be comfortable with it, but most other people are certainly not and apart from being considered extremely obscene it's also a very common trigger. Please be more considerate, yeah?

 

[Adriane]

I moved to Bournemouth a couple weeks back, I'm afraid. :<
(It's actually a really nice place and really diverse and, strangely enough, rather... Open? Trannies walk the streets like it ain't no thang, and no one bothers them or anything, other than to ask the time.)

"Tranny" is generally considered to be an offensive slur, so please try to refrain from using it. I understand you don't mean any harm, but it's better that you're aware.

 

[Saith]

Sorry, I'm used to the SA thread. I'll try to refrain from saying things like that, here.

 

[Harlequin]

In relations to trans* and Cardiff, are you by any chance talking about Live Lounge? I've seen two absolutely fierce transwomen in there quite often. But also! I think just realising it is a good thing, even if you're feeling a bit down about it at the moment. I mean, if it leads to you being happier in the long run that's awesome, right?

 

[Saith]

Well I was on about 4Play myself. :) It's technically a gay-club, but it's such a great place that it's not just a gay club, if that makes sense?

And thanks, I'm pretty sure it's a good thing, too. It's just gonna bring me so much grief, argh.

 

[Valerunner]

Not if you don't let it.

I say just have fun with it. Enjoy your new life.

 

[Saith]

But... It isn't a new life.
It's just the realisation that what I'm feeling isn't just teenage angst.
I'm not going to grow out of it.

Again, sorry to be a downer to everybody. D:

 

[Harlequin]

Well I was on about 4Play myself. :) It's technically a gay-club, but it's such a great place that it's not just a gay club, if that makes sense?

And thanks, I'm pretty sure it's a good thing, too. It's just gonna bring me so much grief, argh.

Oh, okay, 4PLay. That's the one on the street with WOW and Pulse, yeah? I've walked past there a few times but I've never been in. I've eaten lunch at Pulse once, though! [I don't do many 'gay' things, gay people are scary. The gayest club I visit is Live Lounge, which is a straight club that for some reason is a haven for gays.]

It's going to be hard, yeah, but life is hard. If it wasn't this it'd be something else, and at least you know now so you can start doing something about it! I'm not trans so I honestly don't know what it feels like, but one of the things I've read is that everything starts to feel better once you're doing something about it. So. IDK.

 

[Saith]

Oh, okay, 4PLay. That's the one on the street with WOW and Pulse, yeah? I've walked past there a few times but I've never been in. I've eaten lunch at Pulse once, though! [I don't do many 'gay' things, gay people are scary. The gayest club I visit is Live Lounge, which is a straight club that for some reason is a haven for gays.]

Yeah, but I just liked the name. Here in Bournemouth I go to DYMK. It's not as good as other places (although it does have a bubble machine!), but the name is D.oes Y.our M.other K.now, and I think that's too cute. :3

It's going to be hard, yeah, but life is hard. If it wasn't this it'd be something else, and at least you know now so you can start doing something about it! I'm not trans so I honestly don't know what it feels like, but one of the things I've read is that everything starts to feel better once you're doing something about it. So. IDK.

Thanks man, and yeah you're definitely right. My girlfriend's been helping me out a lot, and I've done a couple things that are relatively unnoticeable, and other things that delve into TMI, and it does feel better. But there's always the knowledge that, well, fuck.

 

[Vladimir Putin's LJ]

Er, hey guys. I have a sort of situation that isn't that bad I guess but I'd like advice on it maybe if possible. This post is pretty long and a little TMI but I'll post a tl;dr at the end.

So as most of you know, I'm a transman, and I have actually come out to my mother about this, but she's convinced it's just phase. The thing is that I didn't want to hurt her, so I sort of downplayed my gender issues and said that it could be a phase, yeah, maybe, and I realize now that that was a huge mistake.

My mother is a very nice person, and generally open, but she did grow up during the far-right dictatorship in Portugal, so she has occasional slip-ups. She's not homophobic or anything, just a bit... out of touch, I guess. But anyway.

The thing is, I told her about two years ago and my feelings haven't decreased at all, if anything, I'm more convinced than ever that I'm not female. Apart from the superficial (but very important, of course!) things like wanting a male body (and subsequent dismay at the shitty bottom-surgery procedures, though there's been some interesting advances in the field and I'm pretty confident it'll get much better in our lifetime), there's just something in my mind that says I'm male.

I don't conform to gender stereotypes (I love baking and I enjoy sewing and musicals and all that), so it's not like I think I'm male because I don't enjoy offensively stereotypical "girl" things like shopping and what have you, but I just can't imagine being thought of as female by others the rest of my life. The rare times I've been called "he" didn't make me feel especially wonderful, they just felt right, in the same way that being called "she" isn't as horrible as it simply seems wrong. Does that make sense? I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I feel like everyone else is making a mistake when they label me as female.

Of course, the body thing is important too, not just because it's exactly what alters people's perception of me. The thing is that I see a lot of transguys say they want to be "pretty boys" or what have you, and that's great for them, but often they seem to want to look like Bill Kaulitz or Gackt, who are just unquestionably androgynous. I think it's wonderful that they want to be androgynous (though tbh often it seems a bit like they want to conform to the whole yaoi bishounen thing), but even that isn't really enough. When I see men, even if they're not conventionally handsome, I feel a sort of jealous twinge because I feel like physically, I got cheated out of everything. I can't imagine growing older with a female body; I can only imagine growing older as man and dealing with the problems that entails, like balding and kicking young kids off my lawn dangnabbit.

The worst part is that I wasn't especially dysphoric until recently, because instead of hating my body, I just sort of felt detached from it. I didn't really mind what happened to it, because I felt as though it wasn't mine, so I didn't really care when I cut myself (in a particularly embarrassingly emo moment of my life) because it wasn't my body. I didn't care that I was chubby because it wasn't my body.
But I've thought about it logically and I've sort of accepted the obvious fact that this is the only body I'll ever have, and it's making me increasingly uncomfortable. I have a binder and I realize I only really feel comfortable going out with it on, even though I hide it from my mother.

The problem with my mother is that she has this train of thought a lot of people seem to have and that I simply don't understand, which is that transitioning will somehow change who I am on a fundamental level. It'll make me finally be comfortable in my body, but it won't change my personality apart from probably making me more confident, but she seems to think it'll turn me into a completely different person. This makes it very hard for me to have a serious discussion with her because I feel like she thinks she has to say goodbye to her child, when it's still me. I don't get what the problem is, but I know it bothers her and I don't want to hurt her. She has stated she'll still love me whatever I do in the future, but. I feel bad about it. I feel like remaining female will make it easier for everyone, including me, and especially since I'm primarily attracted to men, but I'll never be completely happy.

TMI: even on a sexual level, even though I'm very interested in men physically, I'm kind of terrified of ever having a relationship because although I'd love to touch, I don't think I could bear to be touched. Or be naked in this hypothetical man's presence. The thought alone makes me squirm horribly.

tl;dr my mother attaches immense importance to who I am on the outside and I'm scared of hurting her by living my own life and physically transitioning to male. But I'll be going to university soon, and I feel like I shouldn't limit myself on account of my parents because, well, I'm going to truly start living my own life. But I don't want to hurt her.
So my final question is how I should broach this subject, I guess. I'm in turmoil but I feel like I can't continue putting up this fake front for much longer.

Also: I'm going to join my university's LGBTQ society, and I obviously don't pass as male yet (I look pretty convincing with a haircut and a binder but the voice is treacherous). Does anyone have any experience with non-passing trans people in LGBTQ societies? I'm asking because there's a worrying amount of transphobia in the gay community for some weird reason and I don't want to make my life harder than it has to be. I don't even have a set male name or anything, because I feel like I'd like my mother's input. Argh.

Sorry about this post being so selfish :c

Saith: I know how you feel about the whole "discovering it isn't a reason to celebrate" because I feel pretty much the same, but I think we should keep our ultimate goals in mind and use that to carry us through. Your situation sounds a lot harder than mine by a lot, so I feel really inadequate giving any advice, but I'd just like to wish you the best of luck and sympathy, for what that's worth.

 

[shy ♡]

Vlad: Your mom's opinion seems to stem from lack of information/misinformation, and a probable desire to stay that way. My mom is the same way and she doesn't want to change. If your mom does, you can find trans-related websites and have her read them, or once you join the LGBTQ group, go to meetings with her there.

As for trans-acceptance in the LGBTQ society, it should be accepting. Uhm, obviously I don't speak for every place, but I do go to two organizations and both are cool. One is specifically for trans-folk, one is just LGBTQ, and the LGBTQ-one is very accepting and all the people there, some of them have never met a trans person before, but they have the attitude of pure acceptance. Like, it's just a very, very open environment. Also, there was a trans guy that used to go there, idk if he still does sometimes, but he first started going there before he knew he was trans (or he wasn't out yet) and he hadn't decided his name yet, so - you could just say you haven't decided on a name yet, or. Idk?

 

[Jolty]

The problem with my mother is that she has this train of thought a lot of people seem to have and that I simply don't understand, which is that transitioning will somehow change who I am on a fundamental level. It'll make me finally be comfortable in my body, but it won't change my personality apart from probably making me more confident, but she seems to think it'll turn me into a completely different person. This makes it very hard for me to have a serious discussion with her because I feel like she thinks she has to say goodbye to her child, when it's still me. I don't get what the problem is, but I know it bothers her and I don't want to hurt her. She has stated she'll still love me whatever I do in the future, but. I feel bad about it. I feel like remaining female will make it easier for everyone, including me, and especially since I'm primarily attracted to men, but I'll never be completely happy.

my dad had the same view as your mum until kinda recently. one time he said "when you're going in for the operation, to me it'll feel like you'll be dying", like his daughter would get killed off and replaced with someone else...
I think probably every transgendered person has considered not transitioning to make it "easier" on those around them, but ultimately it's what makes /you/ happy that counts. you shouldn't have to make yourself miserable for anyone. :(
my own mum really doesn't want me to transition and will not call me by my male name (which is my legal name now) or use the right pronouns at all and is convinced i'll regret it because i'm so young but i'm doing it anyway. not out of spite to her or anyone else that doesn't "approve", but because it is what i believe is best for me.

TMI: even on a sexual level, even though I'm very interested in men physically, I'm kind of terrified of ever having a relationship because although I'd love to touch, I don't think I could bear to be touched. Or be naked in this hypothetical man's presence. The thought alone makes me squirm horribly.

ugh exactly the same here ;_; I don't think I could do anything sexual without being scared shitless and feeling awful until I've been on hormones long enough for them to make noticeable changes...
it sucks immensely because I have an absolutely mega libido. and a girlfriend who is genophobic.

Also: I'm going to join my university's LGBTQ society, and I obviously don't pass as male yet (I look pretty convincing with a haircut and a binder but the voice is treacherous). Does anyone have any experience with non-passing trans people in LGBTQ societies? I'm asking because there's a worrying amount of transphobia in the gay community for some weird reason and I don't want to make my life harder than it has to be. I don't even have a set male name or anything, because I feel like I'd like my mother's input. Argh.

I pass most of the time, but people just think I'm a lot younger than I actually am. you might pass more than you think you will
I didn't ever go to the lgbt society at uni, but I don't think you'd get people hating on you or anything. not over here, anyway

 

[Vladimir Putin's LJ]

Pathos: yeah, my mum will probably come around if I ever have the guts to momentarily hurt her for a better general outcome :/ I've actually found a leaflet for parents of trans kids online, and I was thinking of giving that to her.

Jolty: my mother will probably think the same thing, and what bothers me the most is that I genuinely don't understand that thought process. It's not logical at all. And my mum's pretty extreme about it too, she once ranted at me that just cutting my hair would change me. Whu?
I do probably just need to get a grip and have a chat with my mum, because you're right: I'm the one who has to live in this stupid body, so I shouldn't really limit myself for other people's sake.
And yeah pronoun-wise my mother once told me that she thinks it's normal to call a trans-person by their biological sex's pronoun if you've known them for a long time pre-transition so I don't really have my hopes up (though for some reason she's called me "he" three times in the past before correcting herself ?__? m-mutti what is this)

The sex thing is supremely frustrating :I I do hope hormones will help because it's really weird to draw and write smut and feel attracted to people and not be able to do something about it.

Weirdly enough I pass more when I'm in southern Europe, like Portugal or Malta etc ?__? I guess since guys are shorter there being 1m70 isn't conspicuous.

Thanks for the input on the LGBTQ thing, guys. I guess I'm just a bit scared to tell people about my problem and then have them make my three years at university hellish.

This will probably sound insensitive, but I really want to know more about the process of transitioning from a female to a male body (or vice versa). I understand the whole dilemma of being male gendered but female sexually, but what are the current prospects for actual transitioning surgery? For example, how effective and realistic is the reconstructed penis - would it be able to respond sexually like natural male penises do?

Lorem, I don't think you need to be worried about being insensitive with a question like this, I think it's rather good to be interested! It's only annoying if you ask a random transperson about their specific situation without preamble (this has happened to me and it's a whole new realm of terrible). This next segment is pretty graphic for obvious reasons.
The surgeries depends on a number of factors and the results can differ greatly, though nowadays most of the top surgeries are pretty good. For top surgery, you have:
Keyhole, which is for guys with small chests, which leaves little-to-no scar tissue because iirc it only involves a cut around the nipple.
Mastectomy, which is the most common one, for the unlucky bigger-chested guys. Basically you cut a crescent under the breast, remove the stuff inside, then close. The nipples are also usually shifted so they look natural. The results are usually decent, though it helps to not have unnecessary fatty tissue around there. The problem is that more often than not, you do lose sensitivity in the nipples :/ they're just sort of cut off and move around so they don't have nerve endings.
Top surgery photos: Before and after
Before and after again
Buck Angel, FtM porn star and activist

Bottom surgery is pretty much completely terrible tbh. You basically have two options:
Taking T enlarges the clitoris considerably, and it can become a couple of inches long and even get erect (since the clitoris is made of erectile tissue). Some guys even report being able to engage in penetrative sex, though it's rare.
There's a procedure called metoidioplasty which releases the clitoris from surrounding skin to make it like a small penis. People usually get uretheral lengthening to enable them to urinate standing up, and some guys get testicular implants, which just serve to make it all look more natural.
The pros of this are an erotically sensate penis that can get erect, but it's pretty tiny.
Pictures: 1
2
3

The other option is a phalloplasty, which involves taking a large piece of skin from the arm and using it to construct a penis. It makes an average-sized phallus through which one can urinate, and it can become erect with a pump system (not sure how it works exactly). It also reduces the sensitivity considerably. Testicular implants are often used.
It's obscenely expensive though.
1
2

Although they keep looking and being better, very few transguys get bottom surgery because of how shitty the results are.
There have been some advances in another field, which is to pretty much grow a fully-functioning penis in a lab, which would be awesome if they got it to work for people. The way science progresses, I'm fairly optimistic about this being available for humans in the coming years.

 

[Byrus]

I'm actually in the process of talking to a FTM about bottom surgery options. The information about it on the net is pretty scarce to be honest.... This is really one of those "you're better off just talking to your therapist/surgeon/person who has gone through it things". I kinda wish more people would share their stories, but I completely understand why they don't.

Vlad, I can't help but think those photos aren't very recent ones. Transbucket is a great place for photos on phalloplasty (and trans surgery in general). (you need to register though) When you compare the results of ones done in the 90s/early 2000 compared to ones done recently, you can see a big improvement. This and this are good examples of ones done right. Obviously, the results aren't prefect and it's unlikely it'll pass as a biological penis, but the glans sculpting has really improved, so yeah, hopefully it'll keep getting better. The results my surgeon showed me looked very promising as well.

Also fuck, I had a great information sheet on how the whole pump system works, but I lost it in the mess of other info sheets I got. Interestingly enough, it's also used for biological guys with severe erection problems.

 

[Saith]

Vlad: Thanks! It honestly means a lot. :)

Uh but in other maybe good maybe bad news, I went to the cardiff Mardis Gras today. T was fun and I loved it, but I kind of accidentally came out. I was stoned, drunk and just pumping with the excitement of being at a festival organised specifically for QUILTBAG community, and when the girl on the stage started screaming shit about howwe shouldn`t have to hide, I kinda came out to all my mates.
It was baking ugggghhhh